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4 months married-have we lade a mistake - Page 3

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Ladylotus Posts: 266
Hi there, I too like lots of the other girls had to send a reply of my own after reading this. I was toying with even writing this or not but I think it migh thelp? I was in a relationship with someone for about a year before I met my current fiancé. It was loneliness really that got me with him and it was on the back of a very serious previous relationship break-up. I was single for ages and just wanted to go out with someone. I wasnt attracted to him but sex was great and so it went on.... I remember once he got serious about buying a house together and having kids etc I started to freak out. I tried to talk to him and break up with him on numeros occasions but like you, I thought he was such a nice guy and I tried to do it gently so as not to hurt him. I knew he had very strong feelings for me from the word go but I never told him I loved him back when he said it. Anyway my point is, I tried and tried to tell him about where I was so as to not lead him on and to ne honest but he wouldnt listen. He kept telling me that I would grow to love him and would hint about not being able to live without me etc and to be honest I was fearful that he might harm himself? Anyway I finally got tired of him being so needy and jealous and kind of felt he was using the fact that I thought he was so nice as emotional black mail against me so I finally was able to shake him off. Anyway, he turned out to be a complete psycho and hounded me for years! Following me etc and I eventually just had to move house so he wouldnt know where I lived. It was a scary time for me to be honest. I'm not saying that your husband will turn out to be like that or anything but I know that if I had have broken up with him sooner, it would not have come to that. I hope you can work things out. If it is just your inner demons that need to be addressed then go, take time out and talk to someone. Some-one objective, a stranger? A professional stranger equiped and trained to advise? Maybe you need to put everything into perspective. Listen to your heart and be true to you! Dont blame yourself for everything and you are NOT a bad person! I felt I was when I was in that situation but it takes two. He knows and you have tried to tell him so half of the onus has to rest with him too. If you want to talk further to me, please feel free to PM me or whichever but do please reach out and find answers for yourself. Best of luck Hydrate... :thnk
Comorgo Posts: 75
MeSB Posts: 3785
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The Contented Little Mummy Posts: 600
[quote="honeybun22":3asu5069][quote="RECENTLY_WED":3asu5069]If you really love him and he's your best friend and you enjoy doing things together and you live happily together and the only component that's missing is that you're not attracted to him physically, could you not work on that?? I don't think you get a fantastic marriage including friendship, great sex, the whole package, without a shedload of work at it. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself by just expecting that you should always feel very attracted to each other and have a great sex life? Could you go to speak with someone together? I've seen that Accord www.accord.ie does 'Marital Sexual Therapy'. But as they're a Catholic agency I'm not sure how wild that would be :o0 :o0 There's also www.mrcs.ie and that's non denominational. Good Luck :wv[/quote:3asu5069] i 100% agree, i read in this forum alot and i know what im going to say will get critism. but i think that people find it so easy to say walk away there is no such thing as a 100% perfect relationship everyone has problems be it sex, money, fighting whatever. relationships need work from both sides and if you love you him enough you will try to put things right if you cant well you no the answer to that. I would defo try councilling before making a big decision.[/quote:3asu5069] Recently wed and honeybun could not agree with you both more.
blonbrun Posts: 5
just pm'd you
Mistified Posts: 2680
[quote="Comorgo":gz5xpb7y]HYDRATE...this is long and I do apologise.... I wasnt going to reply simply due to not wanting people to figure out who I am as im sure some of my friends are on this but after reading some of the replys you have been given I thought you might benefit from what I have to say... I was due to get married last year to the most amazing man ever but about 6 months before the wedding I started having doubts. I started going out all the time without him and I was having a ball. I wasnt eating, sleeping, barely functioning and my work was really suffering. I was so so so confused, I did love this man but as you said I didnt think I was attracted to him anymore, some days Id look at him and think... oh my god what am I doing...do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is more like a brother to me and that totally freaked me out. I spoke to h2b and told him about my fears and as shocked as he was he had a feeling that I wasnt 100% happy. He told me that the decision was mine and that he would stand by me no matter what. At this point I should have realised what a treasure I really had but nope not me...I couldn make up my mind...my weight plummeted, I made myself so sick with worry that in the end I had no choice but to call the whole thing off. My parents were great, they offered my great advice when I did actually confide in them and it was them that helped me decide that I was better off not getting married. I had planned on staying with h2b and hoped that without the pressure of a wedding we would work through it and for a few weeks it was good but the spark still wasnt there. In the end we both decided that it would be better if we broke up. That was hard, we were both upset but it was for the best. I moved in with a friend and we lived like teenagers for a couple of months, out every night...really lived the single lifestyle. After about 6 months when out on yet another bender, I bumped into h2b in a night club and OH MY GOD, the sparks were un-natural! He looked amazing, dressed in all new clothes, new haircut, had obviously been working out etc... we got talking that night and arranged to go for a drink later that week. We chatted and laughed about old times, we FLIRTED which was a first and we just generally had a great time. This became a regular occurance and I was really enjoying myself, it was like meeting him all over again only the attraction was most definatly there this time. I got very sick a while after that and he litterally nursed me back to health and that sealed it for me. We went to paris just before christmas and he proposed all over again. We are now planning our wedding for april next year and I cant wait to become his wife. It feels totally different this time and I know that Im 100% certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My advice to you is, talk to h2b but make him listen to what you are saying. Whatever you do make sure you confide in some close friends or family, you really will make your self sick if you keep this bottled up. It can work, if you love him then you need to start "dating" again and the spark will soon be back. I can only tell you what happened to me, I just hope you can relate it to your situation and it helps. xx[/quote:gz5xpb7y] Wow! That's a wonderful story! It could be a movie or a book, with a happy, soppy ending!
Flick.Nov08 Posts: 61
Hyrdate, Just PM'd you
Ladylotus Posts: 266
I totally agree with you Mistified! Comorgos' story is a refreshing and romantic tale of how love can prevail! I love this story....
cupcakebabe Posts: 2232
I think you owe it to your marriage to at least try and work it out. You have only been married 4 months and i dont think from reading your post that you have actually tried. Maybe you should go to a counsellor yourself for a while and then the both of you go together as a couple. You must have felt some attraction to him from the start otherwise you would not have been with him or got engaged to him.
HYDRATE Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for the advice....the good and the hard to hear.its a complex issue,not just an attraction thing.Ive re-read all the replies,maybe I will go and get some professional advice as a lot of you suggested.When I said I need him its in an emotional way I suppose as other wise Im so self sufficient you wouldnt believe.I have a low self esteem that he always boosts so I guess Im a bit selfish too.The self esteem thing stems from years with a totally self destructive man,then when I met OH and he was so kind and attentive and caring I fell for that as it was something Id never known.I could go on and on but as one of you put it ,I really do have to "deal with it" and I will.I was great to get the advise and the pm's and also to have someone to talk to about this as at the moment theres absolutly no one else. :thnk