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jessiemc76 Posts: 18
Hi all, This is my first post on here and having read some others I know at least I am not alone on this one. I am due to get married later on this year. Quick background, I have two kids and my partner has none, we hav been together for five years and all was ok until about a year ago. We have not been getting along and constantly fighting over nothing. He went away for a friends stags and we were not talking then either. Ok so I have noticed some changes in him, he snaps for nothing and makes it out it was my fault for saying it the wrong way, like hello!!! So sex has dried up (literally) it has been 3 weeks and before that longer again. His phones is a lot more active and he recently put pin code on it although he told me the pin but i would rarely go near his phone anyway.One of the boys he went to stags with was here recently and seemed awkward around me, at the time i thought nothing of it but tonight it kinda bugged me. Now to note, his work takes him all over Ireland sometimes and recently the stags county has been visited a bit more (could be coincidence but thought id mention it). He has become so mean when we fight and literally is so hurtful i wonder can i forgive and forget again. Also, saving or the wedding is going ok but the money he has said he saved suddenly isnt there and yet he said every time he was smashed it was due to the saving. So i told him to check his bank etc and he got very frustrated like I was actually wanting to check it (which i wouldnt) and guess what, he caused row again and it was my fault cos i sounded acusing (dont get me wrong i dont take the blame or be sorry as i know i wasnt wrong). Anyway all of this has slowly but surely pushed me away and I cannot continue to live like this, I am not even looking forward to the wedding. So I am calling it a day. They say go with your gut and having been in a situation before where i did and everyone thought i was wrong and it turned out i wasnt, I am gonna go with it. My instinct is saying he has been with someone else and his guilt is causing him to turn on me for some bizarre reason. Took a lot for me to trust again and now I feel like i should have istened to my gut then too and walked away lol!!! I am sorry for the long winded info but i needed to tell someone and get it off my chest cos as soon as i say it out loud to a friend etc it will be more real and i could be totally off the truth but i am following my instinct> Any advice will be gladly appreciated. Thanks confused girly xx
katonah Posts: 29
hi there,i am sorry to hear you are going through this it sounds like you have a lot on your mind im sorry i dont know what advice to give to you but just wanted to reply,its very hard to say when your not in the relationship itself you sound very strong though at the back of it all-even though im sure you probably up in a heap with worry-maybe he gets narky cos he doesnt like being questioned-he could be stressed about money and then when he,s being questioned that might add to it so he snapps-men are definatley strange when they arent in good moods-im wondering why you say you should have trusted your gut?what makes you say this?sometimes when we have been hurt before espically with cheating we can be over suspicious in the next relationship and think that we,ll spot it happening again like we feel we should have before which can lead to over analysing-i hope you dont think im being to opinionated am just trying to see can i help-but i would def tell him to loose the pin-he,s not 12 years old there aint no need for that and i would also tell him that if he wants to keep me he,d better quit drinking the savings money on stags cos thats the money for the wedding that he wants to have in order to have me in his life forever-if he,s still wanting to get married-you know better yourself what you want and you,ll know wether its right or wrong i wish you the best of luck and please dont feel alone we all go through tough times like theese believe me O:o)
LJMom Posts: 1100
Hi jessiemc76, Sorry to hear you are going thru this. I think as you say you know in your gut that somethings not right. Chances are if you are not happy either is he so why not sit down tonight when he gets home, put kids to bed & tell him you need to talk. Dont mention the stags (at first) just say you are not happy you know he isn't etc & you need to know what hes thinking as you cant go like this for any of ya even the kids as they sense an atmosphere and I know Im always on a shorter fuse with them when hubbie & I are fighting. Anyway you never know it could be just a bad patch but you know something isnt right. Im sure if he has the oppurtunity he will explan & maybe the stags is just a coincidence & nohing happened but i definitley would not go in accusing him unless he says something. Best of luck let us know how you get on :action32
happyfamily Posts: 3323
Hmmmm. I think you're making the right decision. I'd be very worried about money just vanishing-i mean surely his finances are your business too? Sounds like he might be seeing someone else?
jessiemc76 Posts: 18
Hi All, Thanks for your replies. There is definately something not right - and i have been cheated on before and all the signs were there but i chose to ignore them. He is a very honest person usually, like so much so he gets himself in trouble for being honest so these changes are very unusual. And the phone has NEVER been an issue til now. We were at a wedding recently and one of his friends gf was very off with us (at the time i thought it was the couple rowing but now i think she was not comfortable around me). We have been rowing for over a year but last 3 months just worse. Calling me awful names in front of my kids and all (and not nice ones). Also, i know he is not spending money on silly things so where is it going? He also has a very good job so no need to struggle. I googled signs of cheater and all my signs were there, sad i know but i always say "if in doubt google it lol!". After all the signs and the realisation that he probably has been unfaithful, the pure way he has treated me is enough to walk away from. He actaully roared at me the other nite and said "im glad i did the dirt on you" now he has been mean enough with his gob alone so ive had it. I know I cant go on as I will never trust him again, the doubt is there and thats it, i have been there, tried to trust again but couldnt do it. I'm not sitting here angry and bitter either just for the record, i will nver be like that again, im quite strong and know ill come out the other side. I just cant believe firstly that he would do this and treat me badly and secondly that it has happened again. I must have a sign on my head saying "cheat on me please" :weep Little sad today tho, just the thoughts that it is the reason he has been so horrible and the shame if and when people find out O:| Even tho i no longer wanna be with him, its sad and hurtful and making me a little teary (pmt at mo too!). LJMom - I have tried talking to him, we even had a weekend away and discussed why we were fightin, nothing has changed, straight back to snappy etc. He is just so angry all the time and snappy and horrible to live with. Im far too disheartened and tired from all the trying but im not gonna live life watching every word i say incase it pisses him off, thats no life either and its hard work. Also every time we have made up and back on track, things just didnt feel right, all the little things a couple shared, he doesnt do. I just have to face it and move on and dry me teary eyes :o( Thanks again for all ur support, gonna talk to him tomorrow and get it over and done with once and for all and change my future plans and cancel the wedding bookings :o( will update xx
Ilovetoast Posts: 2267
Best of luck.. this cant be easy 4 u!
jessiemc76 Posts: 18
HI All, Quick update - he denied it said he cant believe i thought that. He said thats it is all my fault cos i always put him down and bully him. Now if u heard the way he speaks to me in front of people you wouls wonder how the hell he thinks this! I will let remarks go in front of people so as not to cause a row as he can be quite argumentative regardless. So his version of putting him down is telling him he is lazy - and yet it is the truth. He wants a mammy figure to live with him, he doesnt do washing, drying or ironing and moans when asked to put ironing away! He doesnt cook, AT ALL. He doesnt change beds do the shopping, polish, mop, clean bathrooms or even clear presses out. He does fill and empty dishwasher and hoovers. Thats it. Never takes initiative to do anything and when asked he says "whats wrong with you doing it". Everyone tells me I am too soft but its easier than rowing. I also decided to bite the bullet and confide in a friend. She is the friend who is always honest even if its not what u wanna hear!She said there is no way I put him down and treat him bad. She said i am too soft and from what she sees I am right. U know how u doubt yourself and think is he right but she cleared it up for me. Either way, things arent right and maybe he just wants out and wont admit it. I havent the head to keep trying to work it out. Ill end up unhappy and worse off if it carrys on. It is a shame but life throws obstacles at us all and we get over them eventually. Thanks again for all support and advice xxxxx