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emotionally dependent FILs

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MissTeak Posts: 7
thanks for all the replies
Mrs Beasley Posts: 589
To be honest, this is something that will only get worse the older they get, as they will really need his help and yours too.... could you move so that you live closer to them? I know its a bit drastic, but it would solve the problem of you being alone so much. Don't mean to be pessimistic, but what happens if/when one of them dies - the person left behind will need even more help and support. Its a terrible situation, but one that almost all of us have to deal with at some point or another. Its a shame the brother doesn't share your OH's generous spirit, at least then they could share the "burden", so to speak.
gerbil Posts: 3528
my parents are in their late 70s as is DH's. I have to say i wouldn't live 400 miles away from my parents, we choose to live 5 minutes away as DH's dad has a large family around him but my parents rely on me mainly. We travel up and down the motorway to visit DH's father as much as possible too, and whenever any of them has a scare, or need to be brought to hospital or need looking after we both do it. That's what happens if your parents were good parents, as I'm sure your H2B's were, and they looked after us when we needed it - now they're old it's time to return the favour. I wouldn absolutely sympathize with your DH about this, I don't think there is any question that he should drop everything and go help them when they have medical difficulties and are elderly. It's hard on you being left while he visits them but the only solution to that is either go with him, or if that isn't feasible, move closer to them. And also, be happy that your H2B is sich a good and loving son, becuase it's a good indication of the kind of husband and father he'll be.
MissTeak Posts: 7
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gerbil Posts: 3528
it's very understandable that you miss family and friends and i get what you're saying about moving. But two things spring to mind if you don;t mind me saying.... the first is that when people are living close to one person's family but not the others it can feel as if one family gets everything, and resentment can build up... even though rationally you know that it's because your own family isn't there it can still be hard. the other is I wonder how old your own parents are? I ask because for example, my parents "could" get a train. They are capable of it, but it would be stressful and would fluster them and anything going wrong would be much more stressful for them than for younger people. It can be hard to understand how elderly parents find things difficult to cope with until you experience it. My own parents are extremely active, still work at the fmaily business, still get out and about but there are things you just don;t let them deal with on their own, even more so if their not well. It can just be hard for friends to even begin to understand when their parents are under 65 and mine are over 75 - it's a huge difference.
Crostini Posts: 1105
i thought he ounded like an only child. but you mention there is another brother. perhaps it's time for them to work out a rota and take turns as to who goes to the parents each time. moving closer is a bit drastic.
MissTeak Posts: 7
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gerbil Posts: 3528
anontomoan, it really sounds as if there are two problems - one is the obvious fils situation and the other is the underlying one, of your situation with H2B, living in his country, being alone and his refusal to compromise. I think that is unfair, definitely. Would you feel better about him tending to the parents if the other things like living in the capital, having friends around etc were fixed? People often take what they can get away with - we all do it. If it were me I would talk to him about the entire situation and spell it out; show him how everything is related, his trips home and you being lonely and stuck. I would personally let go of the whole looking after his parents thing and just accept it but as I say, I'm in a very similar position with my parents. But I would certainly stand up for myself about where we live, how long we live there and quality of life for myself. He really has to compromise on something. I hope you don't mind all the advice and questions - I really hope it all works out for you! :thnk
MissTeak Posts: 7
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ceedy Posts: 67
You are only human and the feelings you have are normal and ok. If you go kill them, then no it's not ok anymore! Basically, I think if they are in their 70s, and not very well... don't take this the wrong way but, can you put up with it for the little while that they will be around? I know this might sound weird, but they won't be around for the REST of your married life, and you'd not really want to be seen to be whinging to your intended about his care for his parents (as overly caring as it may seem) when they could be gone before you know it and you might regret having said a word. Can you not go with him when he dashes off to see them? I do understand it's a right royal pain in the rear that you can hardly get a moment that isn't dominated by the 'sick parents' routine but unfortunately, blood is thicker than water as they say and he feels they need his attention, or he feels he needs to show them this attention and care. I know you can't stay biting your tongue as they head into their 100s! But, what else can you do? You don't want to be the 'bad guy' so there isn't much you can do but go along with it? Is he easy to talk to? If so, try a gentle word. If not, just bite the old lip, IMHO :wv