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Following on from Am I being totally unreasonable? - Page 3

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Senorita Posts: 3413
[quote="ciara xx":3spdj1dg] Why did I commit to him? My whole life before me is looking very miserable and I feel as though I've no control of it. :o([/quote:3spdj1dg] You are in control. An engagement ring can be handed back ciara. [quote:3spdj1dg]You all are totally correct. I am so unhappy in this relationship[/quote:3spdj1dg] Do something about this now. Would you prefer to be married and miserable, or single and doing what you want?
Hins Posts: 940
[quote="ciara xx":244i1g5b]You all are totally correct. I am so unhappy in this relationship. He never used to be like this. I just wish we could go back to the way we were when we started going out - before we got engaged. Thinks were so much more happier. Great sex life etc... but now I'm not even interested in it cuz of the way he treats me. He always brings that up but why would I even consider having sez with him if he treats me like this. I don't know how to get through to him just exactly how much he is hurting me. He always thinks I'm exaggerating things and tells me I'm depressed and it's all in my head. I know I may be slightly depressed but the main factor causing it is our relationship. I'm sick of fellas always having the upper hand on me cuz I'm so quiet and can't stick up for myself. I thought this was the one. The relationship were I wouldn't get treated like crap. The one relationship where I would be treated with love and respect. How wrong was I? O:| :o([/quote:244i1g5b] You need to feel the pain and get out of this relationship, and then work on yourself and investigate why (or underlying reasons) that you are attracted to those who throw you crumbs to keep you hanging on who aren't available emotionally. Often those will low self esteem (and you saying you can't stand up for yourself indicates this) are attracted to those that treat them horrendously, but with a bizzare twist they're often the ones who are afraid also of commitment with a good person themselves. Because subconsiously we are attracted to what we mirror in ourselves and our own self worth so in effect people will go for and be attracted to those who are unavailable because it's 'safe'. Ever notice how those with a good level of self love and appreciation catagorically wouldn't put up with bad treatment? They don't because the attraction isn't there, and their inate attraction lies with good people. These 'good' people don't even focus on the radar with people with low self esteem because their inate feelings are that they don't deserve a decent relationship (we're just not tapped into it, because attraction is automatic), hence there's no attraction. Believe me your thoughts can be turned around with working on yourself and you'll probably worry thinking "But I won't be attracted to the 'nice' guy", thing is, you will. You just can't see it now because your thoughts haven't changed yet. When you work on your own level of self worth and esteem, the attraction shifts and no longer will you be attracted to the loser, as*hole, or no hoper emotional abusive man, but you'll attract those who'll treat you well and it'll be a whole different ball game. Trust me Best of luck
fulham_bride Posts: 62
We are only getting one side and I think the OP is probably not totally blameless... [quote:vjo1fkqn] So I tried explaining it and saying he did know it and asked did he not remember etc... He stopped me mid way and snapped and said no he didn't. [b:vjo1fkqn]I ignored it and tried explaining it again [/b:vjo1fkqn]and he went crazy. I was in the kitchen at the time and sort of looked at him and said why the hell are you shouting at me?[/quote:vjo1fkqn] This would bug me and I would probaby snap at my OH. Now while she talked about him shouting she never said that she was afraid of him so suggestions that he is about to snap and beat her are a bit outlandish to me. To me it sounds like this is a relationship that is probably over, its sounds like neither party is happy in it. I dont think thats necessarily a sign of a deep seated psychological problem in either party. [/quote]
Hins Posts: 940
[quote="fulham_bride":3gf4kvli]We are only getting one side and I think the OP is probably not totally blameless... [quote:3gf4kvli] So I tried explaining it and saying he did know it and asked did he not remember etc... He stopped me mid way and snapped and said no he didn't. [b:3gf4kvli]I ignored it and tried explaining it again [/b:3gf4kvli]and he went crazy. I was in the kitchen at the time and sort of looked at him and said why the hell are you shouting at me?[/quote:3gf4kvli] This would bug me and I would probaby snap at my OH. Now while she talked about him shouting she never said that she was afraid of him so suggestions that he is about to snap and beat her are a bit outlandish to me. To me it sounds like this is a relationship that is probably over, its sounds like neither party is happy in it. I dont think thats necessarily a sign of a deep seated psychological problem in either party. [/quote:3gf4kvli][/quote] Just because he didn't beat her, it doesn't mean it's not soul destroying. Of course it's psychological, everything we do is pscychological. The relationship is over but she has given clear indication that he's not the first person like this that she has gone out with. So what if she didn't answer him and ignored him. It's emotionally abusive what he's doing.
fulham_bride Posts: 62
I am afraid that I had actually missed the part where she said that she was afraid that he would hit her. [quote:3dpu9yvl]Of course it's psychological, everything we do is pscychological.[/quote:3dpu9yvl] I have no idea what that means. I just dont necessarily think a load of psycobabble about how the OP needs to 'feel the pain' and become a 'good' person is helpful. She said that they were happy and he used to treat her well so I am assuming that she didnt see this side of him when she was falling in love. I dont know enough of her history to presume to tell her if she is or is not destined to keep falling in love with 'bad' men unless she changes her thinking. Maybe she just needs to gather her courage to change her current situation and the next nice guy she meets wont have a Mr Hyde to his Dr Jekyll. Maybe its not her fault for falling for loosers, maybe its his fault for having a temper that flares up when he is under stress.
Hins Posts: 940
[quote="fulham_bride":2r0z1eu0]I am afraid that I had actually missed the part where she said that she was afraid that he would hit her. [quote:2r0z1eu0]Of course it's psychological, everything we do is pscychological.[/quote:2r0z1eu0] I have no idea what that means. I just dont necessarily think a load of psycobabble about how the OP needs to 'feel the pain' and become a 'good' person is helpful. She said that they were happy and he used to treat her well so I am assuming that she didnt see this side of him when she was falling in love. I dont know enough of her history to presume to tell her if she is or is not destined to keep falling in love with 'bad' men unless she changes her thinking. Maybe she just needs to gather her courage to change her current situation and the next nice guy she meets wont have a Mr Hyde to his Dr Jekyll. Maybe its not her fault for falling for loosers, maybe its his fault for having a temper that flares up when he is under stress.[/quote:2r0z1eu0] Then you obviously misread my post. I said she needs to work on herself to change who she's attracted to which will lead to her going for good people. Yeah Fulhambride, they usually DO treat you well when you're going out at first. That's typical of people who groom out those who are vulnerable. "Changes her thinking, gather her courage"....pretty much what I've said originally except in more detail.
fulham_bride Posts: 62
[quote:3k0hv0za]I said she needs to work on herself to change who she's attracted to which will lead to her going for good people. Yeah Fulhambride, they usually DO treat you well when you're going out at first. That's typical of people who groom out those who are vulnerable. [/quote:3k0hv0za] I dont get it - how does she know who is a 'good' person and who is pretending to be a good person. How can changing herself help her tell? I also wouldn't dare to presume to call the OP 'vunerable'. If I were her I would find it insulting. My initial idea was to suggest that her problems might not be as insurmountable as she thinks. That she is not listening to him, he is not listening to her and perhaps they would be better of just going their separate ways. I still think that would be my advice. Maybe she can see a pattern in her behaviour and choices that suggest that she has issues with specifically chosing men she knows will treat her badly. Personally I would never put it on myself to ascribe those issues to her based on one comment that she has had bad relationships in the past cos really who hasnt?
roma2011 Posts: 1208
Well either way, I hope she's ok. She had another thread on here about his behaviour and I think she is certainly better off without him. But certainly no amount of us advising her is going to make a real difference at the end of the day - it might encourage her to make changes but she is the only one who can decide to make things better for herself and actually do something about it. No point in any of us arguing over who is giving the best advice! :thnk :thnk
KayeG Posts: 152
Ciara, I so feel for you but I totally understand what you're going through. Its very easy to say grow a backbone etc but not so easy when you are one going through this. I wish I had an answer for you but all I can do is send hugs and love. Why do I say this? Cause Im in the same boat! We went to the pub last night for the footie. I wasnt in the greatest of moods as I found out earlier that BIL is planning to take H2B to Tokyo?? for a 7k stag. H2B doesnt know yet. Think its really out of order cause here we are saving for the wedding and he does this! No gripe with H2B since he doesnt know! Anyways H2B just keeps having a go that Im trying to ruin his night and gets angrier and angrier. He starts calling me an arsehole when i got up to go to toilet when he was wanting to go to bar?? So I left him in the pub. He came home and just lost it. I had gone to bed and he came in and started shaking the bed etc. He never hit me and wouldnt I know. But how can he say he loves me. I used to think I would never put up with this behaviour but when you are in the situation it seems so different. He is a good man but he cant see his problems and alcohol is usually a major factor. I want to help him but how can I make him see?? My heart goes out to you Ciara, I hope we get through this no matter what decision we take x x
Anonymous Posts: 24542
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