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curliwurli Posts: 3369
hi there, my fiance had a one night stand last july, we were due to get married this february just gone. he told me the following morning and i kep asking him did he do it, should we work things out, what happens now etc and he kept crying and saying he didn't know. so we broke up straight away, i got the keys off him, got my dad to bring him his stuff and cut contact. i was completely devastated and always had said that if this happened that would be it for me. a few month later it turned out that we had both moved 30 miles into places around the corner from each other (god damn fate :o0 ) and we bumped into each other in the corner shop. it was awful and great to see him at the same time (iykwim) anyway we started meeting up and kind of going on "dates" and talking a lot and eventually decided to give things another go. we are not yet back living together but we do see each other a lot and are planning to move in together when he gets back from 6 months working abroad in october. this 6 month trip abroad will also be a good opportunity to take some time out and see things objectively before we take the next step. i know it sounds weird but i do trust him 100% and am not worried that the infidelity will happen again. the biggest fear i had to overcome was that i wasn't sure if i could trust him to commit. we had a lot of problems that contributed (not that that is in any way an excuse) and i don't think it was as simple as him fancying a change or being bored with me. we have been going to relationship counselling and found it very helpful - in the last session the counsellor made him tell me the details of what happened that night (well not the gory bits but you get the idea) it was very hard to hear but it helped me understand the whole thing a lot better. i can honestly say that it doesn't get brought up in every row, if he does go out with his friends without me i don't stay up worrying that he is off with someone else. if that was the way things were then i couldn't cope with it, everyone is different and some people will never be able to let it go - i know my family are like that, my dad especially but for me, it is working out so far and i do feel we have both learned a lot and are stronger for it. not that i am happy that things happened the way they did but i think at least some good came out of it. sorry for the long and rambling post and i know it is unusal for people to admit to these things happening and some people will no doubt consider me a fool but i am living with my decision and so far it feels like the right one. hope it helps anyway
bangles Posts: 35
OP, I sent you a PM :lvs
whatwillIdo Posts: 3
bangles didn't get your pm curly wurly and mini mama sorry you have been through similar curly wurly hope you can work it out and looks like you are on the road. I think if we didn't have kids then we probably would have been finished too. I feel a bit resentful that when it happened we didn't have the responsibilities and the decision should have been mine to make if he told me. Feel guilty about thinking this way too because we wouldn't have our kids. Also because I have decided so early that I would try to work it out with dh that I haven't got all my anger out. I probably should have kicked him out and been on my own for a while to deal with things. mini mama yes he has told me its not someone I know or he has anything to do with anymore TG. I don't think I could deal with that. I have asked so many questions at this stage. Feel like I have been cross examining him. I still have doubts and tbh not sure anything he says at the moment will make a difference with this (perhaps a lie detector test O:| ) Had a talk with dh last night, still finding it hard. I am fine 90% of the time and we are getting on but all of a sudden it just hits me like a ton of bricks and it hurts so much. I never thought I would forgive something like this and tbh I am not sure I have it in me. :o(
curliwurli Posts: 3369
first of all you are more than entitled to ask him as many questions as you need to so soon after finding out. you need to feel that you can trust him to be open and honest with you and he needs to have the patience to allow you to get this "out of your system" for want of a better word. and of course you are going to feel resentful that you don't only have yourself to think about in this situation - I count myself extremely lucky that we had no kids or mortgage or anything like that and i could totally suit myself, I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for you. don't be too hard on yourself :action32 I also think that if you feel you need some time on your own to sort things out in your head then you shouldn't feel afraid to ask for that - is there any way he can stay somewhere else even for a weekend to give you a bit of space? I know i must sound like a stuck record at this stage but i really can't recommend couple's counselling highly enough, it gives you a neutral place to say your piece and also to get the other person's view on things, it also means ye are dedicating that hour or so to working on this together. I contacted MRCS and they gave me the number of someone in my area. hope you are doing ok, try not to pressure yourself into making any decisions either way. thinking of you xx
bangles Posts: 35
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Anonymous Posts: 24542
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