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how far would you move?

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hoareni Posts: 7
hello folks, bit of a long story so forgive me. my fiance is from northern ireland and i am from dublin, we have been commuting for many years during our relationship but now after 4.5yrs were trying to move in.problem is himself doesnt really like the south and i dont like the north.we agreed more or less to live in drogheda as a compromise for me to work in dublin and him to work in newry.however he thinks things are very expensive down south and wants me to move north.cheaper house prices, healthcare etc etc.i am upset cos he knows i dont like it there and am worried about being lonely etc without friends and family. have also recently started a new job in a graduate position which is going ok, not great or awful.i dont want to loose him as i love him a lot but im worried if i move up there ill be unhappy but if we break up ill be miserable also. how far would you move for your bf/fiance?
shobie Posts: 1437
To be honest- I would move to the moon and back if it meant the difference between being together or losing him. However, in reality it sounds like you have come to a good compromise over this and it is a wee bit unfair of him to change the goalposts as such. I would sit him down again and explain all your reasons for not wanting to move up north, let him do the same for down south and see if you cannot come to another compromise. I wouldn't dream of finishing the relationship if its truly the one for you. Good Luck.
Callalily Posts: 325
I agree with everything shobie said... I moved to London to be with my H2B. But then, it was at just the right point in my career where I could do that. My thoughts are: Stay in Drogheda, finish your grad scheme rotations in Dublin and try to enjoy being together, maybe with the proviso that once your careers have moved on a little bit you will look again at your living arrangements. Once your career has taken off a bit you will find it easier to move around and to settle and make friends at work, and I think if you did decide at that point to move north it would be easier. I also think commuting is not gonna be very easy in the long run but do you reckon you might try and get him to commit to being with you and being happy where you are for the time being, and say you will look at it again in a year or so?
Gonetopasturesgreener Posts: 3556
To be honest I wouldn't like to live anywhere where either of us had a long commute...and Drogheda would be a commute for both of you...it's just if you had kids and that (not assuming you want to or anything - that's personal). Then again I've never had to commute in my life, but it sounds like hell to me! If you really don't like the north that's fair enough...but it could be better than you think. You'll always make friends wherever you go. DH's line of work means that he could be in any part of the country most days...but if it happened that he got a job in the one place I'd rather live there than have him commute - then again he is the bread winner... I really don't know how to advise you. Personally I would move (although I'd much rather stay in the county we are as it's my home place).
starpad Posts: 244
i would move almost anywhere for my h2b, i am from the west of ireland, and i have moved to the southeast, where he is from, the drive home is 4 and a half hours on a good day, we live close to all his family, mine are far away, i have made new friends, and i am happy out its up to the individual i suppose, h2b said he would move west if i wanted to at any stage. its more practical to live in the south east right now :thnk
love struck Posts: 1125
hoareni I am the opposite to the others.. I havent and wont move.. We moved in to our first home together in an area close to my family.. Luckily his are not that far away, but that area would be cheaper to live in. Most people are saying they would move anywhere to be with their partner/hubbie what about them moving anywhere to be with you.. It is a compromise off course. So you both need to be fully happy. I am very close to my family and friends and when I have children I want to be near them as I will be the one at home for the first year or two. My husband is off course close to his, but hes happy to see them once every couple of weeks were I pop into my mam or sisters or nieces/nephews most days. He works weird hours sometimes, so if they werent close to me, I would be home alone.. I know I can make other friends but I like the ones I have, and yes we had to pay a little bit extra (and we are in the process of moving again and we the topic came up again), but he is willing to sacrifice for my sake... I think by moving to newry you have made a compromise.. I have travelled the country for my last few jobs Drogheda to Newry is not a long distance the new M1 is a godsent and in relation to you travelling the rail system to Dublin is very good..
hoareni Posts: 7
thanks for the advice, am actually quite surprised at the amount of people saying they would move anywhere, maybe im just totally selfish or something. im a very sensitive person and even at the moment i feel sometimes friends dont ask me to go places so whenever they do i jump at the chance as sometimes wonder why people dont like me?! when we first got engaged he said hed move to dublin but i suffered from depression and we ended up breaking up.then got back together and i promised id move north but after some time i changed my mind and decided i would be too lonely. drogheda looked like a great plan until last weekend. now also he wants to change his job from newry.he had been looking at places near drogheda but was disappointed when i wanted to buy an apt in a nice estate but he felt we should buy a hse in case we couldnt sell the apt in a year or so and wed loose our no stamp duty, reduced mortgage relief etc. he cant believe rent prices here > €1000 pm while up north you can get a whole house for €600. this has been going on a long time now and also my mother had said if i move further than drogheda she wont come and see me and she generally sticks to what she says.very stubborn woman
Callalily Posts: 325
Depends on a lot of things. I'm not extremely close to my family - we talk once a week or 10 days by phone, but we don't depend on each other. Besides, they have 2 younger ones to keep them busy. It's way easier for me to leave than it would be for Love Struck. When I moved, I had just left college so all my friends were moving away, either back home or on somewhere else for work. No one was staying put. And London was a very attractive place to move to! I could take my career anywhere at that point, whereas my bf's was pretty much going to keep him in London if he was ever going to make it. Think I impressed the inlaws by my willingness to move too! My MIL says that was when she knew it was for real, that I would move everything to be with him. However now that I am settled here and have fantastic friends, it would be very hard to leave. I think your problems go a lot deeper than location though... you don't want to lose the friends you have even though you think they don't really like you because they don't ask you out enough (why not ask them out for a change?), and your mum saying that to you is surely no reason to hand over control of your life!! In your position, I wouldn't go anywhere, bf or no bf. You sound, at the moment, far too fragile to be happy anywhere until you can be happy in yourself. Depression takes a looooong time to get over and casts a shadow for longer than you'd think. If you broke up over it the first time maybe being in close proximity is going to be a recipe for disaster. The two of you should be thrilled to move in together at last and working out ways to make it happen, instead of grousing about cost and location and finding ways to be negative about it... IMHO you are not ready to make a proper go of living together just yet. Just my 2c.
hoareni Posts: 7
i ended up going back to college to do a masters and had the best year of my life, now im back working im finding it difficult to enjoy it as much. i am very excited bout moving in with him, i think itll be great.my unhappiness is mainly to do with my parents unhappy marriage and constent rows in the home, difficult to be happy under such circumstances. when im with my bf i feel happier, a lot more relaxed and its lovely to see his parents getting on so well. but when we talk bout moving in and location it seems to bring out a different side in us both
Callalily Posts: 325
Ah, God, I can totally see your point now! When my parents had some troubles last year you could feel the black cloud all over the house, I used to go away crying, it's horrible how an atmosphere can affect you so badly. [quote:1usl3o05]when im with my bf i feel happier, a lot more relaxed and its lovely to see his parents getting on so well. [/quote:1usl3o05] This is the way it should be and I'm delighted to hear it! Hang in there girl, I'm sure things will work out well. Do you reckon maybe living with him full-time and moving north would be a better trade-off in getting you happy and settled than clinging onto tenuous friendships and unhappy parents? Maybe by being with someone full-time who makes you so happy, you'll be able to leave some of the unhappiness at the border behind you? Just a thought, like, but a change could be good for you. I know, I've just done a complete 180 about-turn from my last post, but this is about you and what makes you happy...