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I DON'T KNOW MY OWN MIND ANYMORE

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Anon 55 Posts: 7
Hi All Sorry for going anon but I was worried someone would know me. We got married this year and I love him with all my heart but I need a bit of advice. Its hard to know where to start! I have always been so sure of myself and my values and what I consider to be acceptable behavior. I always knew that my husband was not happy with me talking to other men and I suppose I accepted that when we got married. So much so that when a man talks to me in the pub I am frightened that he will see and be annoyed and as a result I am polite to a man who speaks to me but remove myself from his company as quickly as possible. I don't like admitting this but there have been a few occasions where men have spoken to me and my boyfriend (hubby now) became quite angry, the first time he physically assaulted a man (my husband told me he was making crude gestures behind my back). At that time we had an argument as I hate violence and I explained to him that I find violence unacceptable. The second occassion, a man grabbed my bum in a nightclub and my husband would have assaulted him except I intervened and reminded him that he had promised not to to get into a fight with a man who was behaving badly. On the third occasion a very drunk local man was chatting me up and I was politely telling him I was taken, well my hubby to be had to be reasoned with again. I suppose it sounds like it happens all the time and that I actively encourage it but that is all over a 4 year period! It is fair to say that I was not encouraging to any of these men on any of these occasions. However, I have to admit that I do enjoy male attention. I am confident in myself and the way I look, naturally I have my hang ups (e.g. waistline etc) as all women do, but at the same time, when I look in the mirror I am relatively happy with the way I look. At the same time I do like to know that other men find me attractive apart from my husband. And I suppose question number one is... Is that normal, do ye all like to know that other men find you attractive or am I lacking confidence in myself? But to get to the real reason for my post, there was another incident last night. I went home, which is a 90 min drive, and hubby was to come down home after me, well he phoned to say he was not coming as he was to tired. I was so dissaponted as this happens now and again and I think it unfair as I moved to his hometown to live with him, I feel that he should make an effort to visit my family with me. Anyhow, me and my sis went out and it turned out to be a really lively night as there was a do on in town (we live in a small county village), we met up with a couple of girls in town and at the end of the night we met some of my sisters boyfriends friend (her boyf was not out), they gave us a lift home and my sis asked them in for a cup of t (they were all drinking cept the designated driver) and they came in and they ended up having a drinks. It was a bit of craic but I didnt think anything of it. In the morning we were telling mum and dad all the craic and they thought nothing of it, they just loved hearing all the news!!! But when I went home and told my husband, he was really angry about it, and told me that a married woman should not act that way. To be honest, he has me convinced, this is his view: You went out and spent the night drinking with men, the men are only thinking of one thing, then you took a lift home with them, then you invited them in for a party and enjoyed their company and attention. They were only there for one reason. This is unacceptable..... and I supose thats hard to argue with!!! This is the way I see it: I went out with the girls, we met up with my sisters boyfriends friends at the end of the night, we got a lift home with them, she invited them in for t, I would have been just as happy to go straight to bed! I had a drink with them,I went to bed, they partied on. I used to know what was right and wrong and be so sure of myself but now I don't know anymore, did I behave badly? You can be brutally honest because I just need to know if I was wrong. In my heart I don't think I was wrong but I just doubt myself so much where my husband is concerned and also I have to admit that I do not really know my own mind anymore. A significant reason for my self doubt may be that he is not really interested in having sex with me anymore and therefore I wonder if somehow I am misbehaving because I want him to notice me or maybe just for someone to notice me. Don't worry I have du]iscussed the lack of sex with him, I haven't brushed that under the carpet, he assures me that it is because he is so tired from working so hard. I know this is a long long plea but I am trying so hard to be objective and state the facts not feelings, please give me feedback, I feel so lost.
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
I'm sorry but your husband is manipulating you. You have not done anything wrong, you had a normal night out with your friends, he has a jealous streak that he needs to get rid of or else the outcome of this could be a lot worse, what would you do if he was violent towards you instead of the men who give you attention? Do women come and speak to him on a night out, how would you feel if they did, would he try and get rid of them as quick as you do? It seems to be that he doesn't want to share you with anybody else, this is dangerous. Your already starting to doubt yourself because of his actions and words. Sorry this is the start of an abusive relationship in my eyes :wv
Suebabe Posts: 553
I have to agree with Shera your H2b does not own you, your alowed to go out and enjoy yourself you cant live in fear of every man you meet 50% of the population is male can you not talk to any of them ?????? I think you need to speak to family or friends about this maybe your sister !!!Has he ever hit you???Once you feel like you cant act like yourself there is somethink wrong my advice to you is to leave now before you have kids or he makes you feel traped!! Big Hugs to you :xox :xox
Anon 55 Posts: 7
Hi Ladies, Thanks so much for the replies, I am quite surprised that you think I acted ok. My Bro and Sis think he is just being jealous but I did not say that to him yet. He will dismiss what they say as they are my family and he will expect them to agree with me. He also thinks my sister lives on cloud cukkoo land : ) I am sure he would not hit me, he is not that type of man, he would not physically assault me. Its still difficult to talk to him about this, as he has said that if I can bring men home, than he can bring a pile of women home too. He will not do this but is making a point. But it was not a premeditated thing- OOOH I'l bring men home with me tonite. It was just an impromptu thing. My family live in the countyside and bringing people in for tea, even at 2am, would not be considered unusual. I think he doesn't get that cos he lives in a large town. My parents thought nothing of it and nor did i till i got home. .
tootsy Posts: 779
[b:2xuc59hc]what would you do if he was violent towards you instead of the men who give you attention? [/b:2xuc59hc] where did that come from, just cos he's jealous don't mean he's going to turn violent with her. Now back to your questions, I do think he needs to get rid of his jealousy and sort himself out, he was probably cheated on before, would you try counceling together? I'm a bit jealious aswell and i feel like shit when i am like that and its not easy to get rid of it but i just try and remember that it me he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Your hubbie needs to make more of an effort in the bedroom aswell as this probably is adding to his frustration hth
Suebabe Posts: 553
Anon i have a friend that started a relationship in the way that you discribe and is now married she also said he would never hit her but he has and still is they have 2 kids now and there relationship is affecting the kids!!! It might just be a case of the green eyed monster but if he is slaging of the family its not a good sign,my friend is to scared to leave dont let it get that far please............ NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOU YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON MARRIED OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moet for me Posts: 1841
I was in a similar relationship in the past where I found myself second guessing myself and thinking what would boyf think of this situation and should I be going here and doing this and what would he say and to be honest it was awful. In the end we broke up for many reasons but the second guessing was definitely one of them. Simply put your DH doesn't trust you, if he did he would not question you on these things. This is his problem and not yours he has to learn to trust you. I would suggest he talk to someone and find out why he is insecure and sort out why he finds it difficult to trust. I certainly wouldn't pander to him trying to change you because you will find yourself walking on eggshells and spending your time second guessing yourself.
frillynickers Posts: 1765
It sounds to me like your hubbie lacks confidence,, has trust issues and is obiously worried about you finding another man, always too tired to have sex etc and unfortunatley he is taking this out on you. You need to sit down and talk to him about this, explain to him that his jealousy will ultimatley ruin your relationship with him. You cannot control the actions of your sister who chose to invite her friends to her house what where you supposed to do tell your sis sorry you cant bring them over because im married and cant be in the same building as another man when my husband is not with me. I would be worried that he will ultimatly take his controlling ways a step further and try to prevent you going out with your friends or try to start making you feel less confident about yourself. I had a boyfriend exactley like this, it started off innocently enough I just thought he was protective but it got way out of hand. One evening I went out for a few drinks after work with people I work with and was due to meet himself 2 hours later, anyway I was running late and when I didnt turn up in time ( I texted and told him id be late) he turned up at the pub I was in and pretty much dragged me out of the place in front of my work colleagues, after that point the put downs started " your not wearing THAT are you" "you shouldnt eat that" etc etc, this wore me down so much that I lost my self asteem, lost my friends etc. I saw sense in the end he wasnt going to change so I copped on and dumped him and now Im marrying the love of my life. Im not suggesting you walk away from you marriage but unless you do something about his controlling ways now your going to be stuck in a very un happy marriage because if he knows he can get away with it, it will only get worse over time.
Anon 55 Posts: 7
Thank you ladies for all your feedback, it has given me so much self belief back and I feel I can discuss this with him again tonight :xxx
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
[quote="sep_o9":is39xk21][b:is39xk21]what would you do if he was violent towards you instead of the men who give you attention? [/b:is39xk21] where did that come from, just cos he's jealous don't mean he's going to turn violent with her. Now back to your questions, I do think he needs to get rid of his jealousy and sort himself out, he was probably cheated on before, would you try counceling together? I'm a bit jealious aswell and i feel like sugar when i am like that and its not easy to get rid of it but i just try and remember that it me he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Your hubbie needs to make more of an effort in the bedroom aswell as this probably is adding to his frustration hth[/quote:is39xk21] Sorry I lost my friend to suicide who was in a relationship just like this, it happens thats why I asked the question.