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FoxyLockz Posts: 2448
I know you said your husband would never hit you or be abusive towards you but If his jealousy is not sorted soon later down the line it could be more than his words that hurt you. I too was in a relationship like that when i was alot younger and that relationship ended really badly. It got to a point where he would ring the local pub where i was with the girls instrad of ringing my mobile so he would know for sure where i was, and who was i with. We went out one night an i bumped into a lad i work with, he was there with his fiance so the 4 of us got chatting away and yet at the end of the night i was accused of being "too chatty" with him...and i started to have very low confidence in myself and the month went on until i finally snapped! There could be a deeper reason for this behaviour, perhaps like the other posters said, he could have had a relationship where his partner cheated on him and has left him feeling vunrable and threatend which is why he's acting like this Some councelling for both of you could be on the cards because this type of behaviour shouldn't be heppening so soon after marraige. Your newlyweds you should be out there enjoying life both together and individually you should not have to apologise for it I went on a charity/football/boozy weekend in Belfast to play 7 a side ladies football about a year ago and there we mens teams there too (himself was at home)and i got in a pic where all the lads lifted my up and of course i had the big grin on my face and i forgot it was in with the rest of the photos and of course he saw it but he laughed it off and had a few jokey comments about it, now my heart was racing cause i though he would have a fit but he didn't On some level i think women do enjoy a small bit of attention from other men, i know i do. It's like a reassurance that "you still got it" but as long as it doesn't go too far where your making a spectacle of yourself and leading the other person on to a point where it's dangerous then i don't see the harm. From reading your post i don't think you were in the wrong at all, he's just seeing the sorded side becasue that what he wants to beleive. Definatley have a talk with him, try to get to a deeper side to see if there is a route cause for these types of reactions. You can't go through the rest of your marriage like this
LadyMary Posts: 1050
Your marriage wont last if you both dont sort this, i suggest conselling for you. He wont change unless he is told he has a problem, simple as!
MrsTiredbride Posts: 3397
Sounds very manipulative and controlling if you ask me
Cappuccino Posts: 124
I had a boyf in the past who was very controlling. It even took me a couple of years to end it with him, because he just wouldnt take no for an answer. The reality is that your husband is so possessive of you that he will needlessly hit someone else. To defend his own honour, I suppose. Most of the girls here are saying that your Dh is also insecure but I see nothing in your post to convey this. Many control freaks are the opposite of insecure, entirely! My ex was exceptionally confident. I know someone else in a controlling (though thankfully not abusive relationship) and her DH is also ultra confident. Your husband seems to be suiting himself an awful lot. It's all about what he wants, not what you want. I'm happily married for several years now but both my DH and I have crushes on one or two other people and if anything we have a right laugh about it all. We see our crushes on the street and giggle away like two silly kids. My dh would be flattered if some guy tried to chat me up! Recently a girl tried flirting with me and he thought it was hilarious. Your Dh really, really needs to calm down. Someone suggested counselling, I do think that's a good idea! Nip this in the bud now. You dont want to bring kids into the equation until this is sorted. Good luck!
pudge Posts: 192
Totally agree with tired bride. You sound like a reasonable individual, your OH sounds the opposite.
Me Julia Posts: 1352
that really sounds like my ex boyfriends behaviour. Now this is going back a few years to when i was in my early 20's but oh god help anyone who spoke to me..........he would start fights with anyone and being an ex marine was slightly nuts ( yes i know they are not all like that!) I ended up a nervous wreck, even tried jumping out of the car one night as i knew i was in for it when he got me home as some of his mates were being friendly earlier in the night and he got mad. The police were even called on a couple of incidents when neighbours saw him dragging me and kicking me in the street. It all began how you are describing. Yes i know we are not all the same and not all men who are jealous will go this far but it doesnt sound good what your describing. You dont want to end up scared if someone speaks to you! its not healthy. The man i married laughs if anyone speaks to me and encourages me to go out. its such a different relationship. I hope you sort things out.
Anon 55 Posts: 7
Well we have just discussed things and my husband wants to finish things, he thinks that if i cannot see what i have done wrong then there is no point to carrying on. I did concede that i understand were he is coming frm and that I am sorry for upsetting him but that it was innocent. He says that he does trust me and let me do what i want, which is true in that i can go out whenever i wish with my friends. I am v unsure as to what to do next as I feel that the only way to rescue the situation is to say i am wrong. It is difficult as in a sense i wonder am i wrong, if he brought girls back to our house after the pub, i would not be impressed and that is the comparison he is making, however i just dont feel it is that black and white. He says he is not controlling in that i can do as i please and it is difficult to argue with that. Second round of advice please.... things are not looking good for us! It is so hard as i do not want to walk away from our marriage and i do love him wiht all my heart. I looked up counselling and the nearest place i can find is about 90 mins away, however, if we need to go down that rd i am willing. I am going to phone a friend and see what they think. My bro and sis think i did nothing wrong but my husband says that they would support me whatever i do... which is true!! I kinda feel that we are both wrong to some degree. HELP : }
Cappuccino Posts: 124
Following your discussion with your husband you have already backed down a little, I can see it in your post. Control happens in many ways and it does seem to me like he is controlling your mind. I cannot see how it would be right for you to say he's right and you were wrong, this is a big issue. It's one of those things that will shape your future together. You did nothing at all wrong and yet he is still making you feel guilty. Don't make the comparison of him bringing girls home, because this is more than that. You didn't cheat on him. You have never run after some girl who tried it on with your DH and tried to hit her (or have you??!?). Just regarding what you said in the first paragrapg, "He says he is not controlling in that i can do as i please and it is difficult to argue with that", I disagree...... You can't do as you please if you can't make friends with men outside of your marriage. That cuts out half the population for you! No-one is allowed to dictate such a thing to. Most of all, you should not let anyone dictate such a thing to you. Who you make friends with is your business. My DH has more female friends than male friends and I certainly don't know all of them but so what? I don't need to keep tabs on him. Your husband is controlling your mind now and you do need to get help with this. Call Relate or Accord (or similar, im afraid i dont know of any others) and ask where you can go that's closer than 90 minutes away. I actually go 45 miniutes for cognitive behavioural therapy and I find the trip well worth it. Again, best of luck......
MrsTiredbride Posts: 3397
Anon 55 I would advise that you contact the likes of Accord or some other agency that offers marriage counselling as soon as you can. Both of you need someone to listen to both sides of the story. All we're getting here is yours and perhaps some independent advice could be worthwhile from someone that hears both sides. I cannot see his problem with you being the company of both men and women. I do feel that he's trying to control you to a certain extent and you are the only one that can say whether or not my assessment of the situation (from just your point of view) is true. The decision as to what the both of you should do is in your hands but if this is worth fighting for then marriage counselling is the next logical step. ... unselling/ edit - Sorry realised with your post that you have contacted someone for counselling. Read back what you wrote in your posts and see what advice you would offer someone in the same predicament.
frillynickers Posts: 1765
Hi Anon, Have to say I think the fact that he suggested ending the marriage proves he is trying to control you, this is a tactic of scaring you into falling into line with his way of thinking which is most definetly a form of control. Also him saying its as bad as him inviting women back to your house is the same is most definetly an unfair comparrission, you did not invite these people back you r sister did and you do not have control over this, what did he expect you to do get a taxi back home which I think you said is a fair distnce from your parents house. Your hubbie is not seeing your point of view at all and counselling is definetly the only way to go, have you suggested this to him, if so what was his reaction, I would think he will most likely say no as any other sane person would agree with the advice and response you have recived from the posters in that he is too controling. Say it too him, that the fact he is suggesting the marriage should end proves their is a problem and if he loves you he will agree to marriage counselling. If not I think you should call his bluff and say you need time appart (trial seperation) he obviously said reak up cos he knows you dont wnat this, by calling his bluff you can show you are not going to back down and agree with everything he sayd or does. Oh and another (sorry for the rambeling) although he pointed out that he lets you go and do whatever you want which is true on one hand but on the other hand he questions who you are out with, and you know you are "not allowed" to speak with men, and I would imagine when you do your probably terrified he'll find out.