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I want a baby, he's not so sure

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LizOL Posts: 6
This is something I can't talk to anyone about and it's causing me a lot of anxiety, I'm a very regular user on Wol but wanted to go anon for this issue. We're married just over 2 years now and we've been together a long time. We have agreed we both want children, it came up in our pre-marriage course and it is something we talked about very tentatively in the past. I feel we are as ready now as we will ever be and I am afraid to leave it too late in case we have problems conceiving, a number of my close relatives had fertility issues and I think the sooner we try the sooner we can get things sorted out, we are both 31. We have talked about starting to try for a baby and although he wasn't jumping up and down with excitement my husband agreed we'd start trying in 2010, then it was pushed back to Christmas 2010 and for some reason he has chosen March this year as the time to start. I KNOW he is apprehensive, I am apprehensive about it but he never discusses life with a child/children or financial issues, how we would manage anything like that. Any discussion about it is brought up by me and then it isn't mentioned until the next time I decide to bring it up. He is adamant he wants to have children, he is brilliant with babies and children but I think he imagines us at 40 or whatever with our instant family without acually taking steps towards getting there. We are in negative equity in an apartment so a common response is "where will we put the baby", I know it's not ideal but if we continue as we are we will be paying off our mortgage, living in the apartment when we're 60 still with no baby! My friends are getting pregnant and having children, it hurts when someone announces a pregnancy or even second pregnancy and they got married after us. I didn't get married to have children but we are together 12 years now so if not now then when? It came to a head last night when we were in bed, in the middle of the act and he wasn't wearing a condom, I suggested going with the flow but no he got out of bed to put one on because he's not ready. I'm thinking about it all day and he's happy go lucky not a care in the world. What should I do, should I leave it another few months, a year, 2 years until he's ready or should I have it out with him? Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long.
happyfamily Posts: 3323
HAve you both sat down and talked through his concerns? Maybe he's worried about how you will cope financially if you're on maternity leave or if you want to be a SAHM? It's a big responsibility for a guy and most guys would have a little panic. What reasons is he giving you?
LizOL Posts: 6
I am the main earner so I would probably continue working full time after maternity leave while he would cut his hours and work from home more often. He came up with this himself at the premarriage course actually and seemed happy about it so I don't think that would be off putting for him, I don't know if he's thought that in depth about it. His apprehension seems to be about our life changing forever, the baby's stuff everywhere (he hates my stuff everywhere and is a bit anal about cleaning). None of his close friends have had a baby yet so I don't think he sees how a baby will fit into our life together. I would rather get pregnant first and think about things like that after, I know we will manage and adapt. It's hard to talk to him about it, he gets really uncomfortable and won't really open up.
Daisywall Posts: 577
This would really upset and bother me too, so I think a big big open chat is the best thing. No-one is every ready financially to have kids , but everyone copes. lots of people have babies in apartments and while it's not ideal, if you're going to be there for the shortterm-longterm future he can't keep using that as an excuse a that would mean it would never happen. Chat is what is needed. good luck
happyfamily Posts: 3323
[quote="LizOL":3lbnpl5h] I don't think he sees how a baby will fit into our life together. I would rather get pregnant first and think about things like that after, I know we will manage and adapt..[/quote:3lbnpl5h] If he's a bit of a control freak then that's not the way he will think. He needs to get these issues straight in his head [b:3lbnpl5h]before[/b:3lbnpl5h] you concieve. I would tell him to think about the issue and that you will both sit down and chat about it on e.g. Saturday at 6pm. Write down any concerns that you think he might have and your solutions to them. At least if he sees that you've been thinking about potential issues and solutions to them he might be more inclined to open up. Maybe he's worried that you'll get a little obsessed with TTC and wants to keep his wife all to himself a little longer, maybe he's worried that you'll have difficulty concieveing and it'll turn out that his sperm is the issue, maybe at 31 he just doesn't feel ready yet and feels that you're forcing him into making a decision that he's not ready to make but he doesn't want to cause a big problem in your marriage by saying that he wants to wait another 2 years-he might be worried that you'll fly off the handle about it?
LizOL Posts: 6
[quote="Daisywall":2fnoykpc]This would really upset and bother me too, so I think a big big open chat is the best thing. No-one is every ready financially to have kids , but everyone copes. lots of people have babies in apartments and while it's not ideal, if you're going to be there for the shortterm-longterm future he can't keep using that as an excuse a that would mean it would never happen. Chat is what is needed. good luck[/quote:2fnoykpc] Thanks Daisywall, you've really summed up how I feel about it, I feel like people are watching and waiting for us to announce our "news" and I'm getting tired of fobbing them off with outright lies
Chubbums Posts: 699
:wv
Chubbums Posts: 699
[quote="LizOL":11z2ifby]Thanks Daisywall, you've really summed up how I feel about it, I feel like people are watching and waiting for us to announce our "news" and I'm getting tired of fobbing them off with outright lies[/quote:11z2ifby] Sorry for going off topic but I have to say this really annoys both me and DH O:| O:| O:| I wish people would have a bit of cop on and mind their own business! There's actually a guy my DH works with and him and his wife were going through IVF (nobody knew at the time) and all the women in the office kept saying "Oh when are you coing to have news for us?" I mean imagine how difficult it was for him going through the problems of TTC and having to listen to them women everyday O:| O:|
LizOL Posts: 6
[quote="happyfamily":3cnmi05f][quote="LizOL":3cnmi05f] I don't think he sees how a baby will fit into our life together. I would rather get pregnant first and think about things like that after, I know we will manage and adapt..[/quote:3cnmi05f] If he's a bit of a control freak then that's not the way he will think. He needs to get these issues straight in his head [b:3cnmi05f]before[/b:3cnmi05f] you concieve. I would tell him to think about the issue and that you will both sit down and chat about it on e.g. Saturday at 6pm. Write down any concerns that you think he might have and your solutions to them. At least if he sees that you've been thinking about potential issues and solutions to them he might be more inclined to open up.[/quote:3cnmi05f] He does like to be very organised about things so I didn't think of this before, I've asked him a couple of times do you want to have kids and he always says yes but not right now, when I ask when he says I don't know. He knows it's normal to be trying for a few months before getting pregnant. He even said we could be lucky and get pregnant the first month but when it comes to taking the plunge he just can't do it. I think it's a bit soon after what happened last night to talk to him about this, I'm still upset about it and won't be able to be coherent. I think he's quite a settled person and doesn't like things to change too much, he didn't propose to me either, I brought it up in conversation because I couldn't wait any longer and he agreed that it would be a good idea to get married (we were together 9 years!). He loved the wedding, loves being married but I wonder if I didn't start the conversation would we still be ticking along still not married.
LizOL Posts: 6
God Chubbums they're like twins! Especially the blowing hot and cold, yes I want them, not right now, some time in the future, but how will we go on holidays. I get comments every day at work, my colleagues are terrible but I laugh it off telling them we're in no rush, we're going to wait a few years or that their moaning about their kids has put me straight off but to no avail, my friends know better at this stage but I'm sure they talk about it and speculate when we're not there.