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If he hit you? - Page 5

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kittysue Posts: 1016
I would always say....go.... But....if it was you......would it be that easy to just up and leave...... Depending on how physical it was.......I mean.....what if we (the female) slapped him on the face for whatever reason......is that not a form of physical violence towards him??? I know men are stronger than women.......but is that not double standards? Now if there were children involved it would be a different story... ...So would you just discuss the issue and if it ever happened a 2nd time then leave...............???
Sandie Posts: 91
Graceface, I know what you're saying. I'm just so disappointed and it's been hard because although my entire family love him, if they knew what happened there would be war so i haven't told ANYONE. Gerbil, nothing like this has ever happened before. We have had a great relationship which is probably why i'm just finding it so hard. Kittysue, i'm just not finding it that easy to walk away. I'm probably being an idiot but we're going to sit down and talk things through later.
scotswedding Posts: 2829
As kittysue and others have said I would say go but then wonder if it would be so easy if it was me in this situation... I have told my OH that if he ever did that would be it even though I have absolutely no reason to think he ever would. If anything I am more violent than him... :-8 I can understand somewhat your husbands reaction to the slap if he was extremely agitated. Had he actually realised that he had hit you accidently before this though or did he just think you had slapped him for no reason? I think also that I would be more concerned by what ensued with him punching a hole in the wall...
lin007 Posts: 297
[quote="Ditz":31m471ve][quote="Valkstar":31m471ve]Break his face and then leave >:o([/quote:31m471ve] Ditto, except I'd be kicking [b:31m471ve]his[/b:31m471ve] ass out the door.[/quote:31m471ve] Id be the same and it would be him gone and i wouldn't be letting him back I don't think i could ever trust him again
Sandie Posts: 91
[quote="scotswedding":24htvws3]As kittysue and others have said I would say go but then wonder if it would be so easy if it was me in this situation... I have told my OH that if he ever did that would be it even though I have absolutely no reason to think he ever would. If anything I am more violent than him... :-8 I can understand somewhat your husbands reaction to the slap if he was extremely agitated. [b:24htvws3]Had he actually realised that he had hit you accidently [/b:24htvws3]before this though or did he just think you had slapped him for no reason? I think also that I would be more concerned by what ensued with him punching a hole in the wall...[/quote:24htvws3] No, he hadn't realised. He just thought i slapped him for no reason.
architec Posts: 1306
Sandie, I've read most of the posts, and I have to say that while I agree in principal that a partner should leave once they've been physically violated, I also agree with Kite and others who raised the point that it's not such a black and white issue. A lot depends on the situation, what actually caused the 'slap'. However, I have to ask you, do you trust your partner now? If not, do you think you could trust him again? You had a row, was it about something serious, such as infidelity or lies, or was it a scenario that a small row got out of hand and he was controlled by his temper? I think that too many women 'raise the bar of tolerance' as GF so nicely put it, and what you accepted once is not going to be reason enough to leave if he does it a second time. And that's how victims of serious domestic abuse get sucked in. It's not brainwashing or emotional control: you allow yourself to be treated in a certain way, and it steps up gradually until you don't realise the violence you are receiving. I don't know if yo should leave or not, as I think that's a decision only you can make. However, I have a couple of suggestions that may help you out a little. 1. Tell you family. So what if there is trouble over it? He deserves it. He has brought this upon yourself. You say your family love him - well, it's maybe no harm if they know who this guy is capable of being. If he gets worse, you will be in a better position to leave, it won't be a bolt out of the blue for your family, and you'll be less likely to want to keep it secret. 2. I suspect (I may be wrong) that you want to keep it secret from your family as you are ashamed of what happened. Do you blame yourself? Please don't. He shouldn't have hit you about the face - a really nasty act, and if your face is still sore, he must have punched you. you didn't deserve that, and you shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to go to your support network, ie your family, to ask them for help. 3. Telling your family will alert him to the fact that the game is up. They may give him a lot of grief over this, so he should be on best behaviour for a while. However, it's no guarantee that he'll stop, or that if children come along, that he won't hit them. 4. Look at his father. Does he seem a violent man? Are his parents on good terms? Is his mum afraid of the dad? Are his siblings? A lot of this behaviour is learned at home, and becomes the norm and thus is 'acceptable'. Best of luck.
strawberry shortcake Posts: 9094
gosh hard one, do agree with some people in saying that its easy and probably the right thing to do saying kick him out but if you find yourself in the situation its a different story. Sandie maybe tell him you need time apart to think things through makes sure HE's the one who leaves not you. This will probably scare him, i see where your coming from with your family sometimes you feel its easier to leave things be, you do what you feel is right. Hope it works out let us know how you get on.
Delish Posts: 4176
[quote="architec":t7qymnoe] 1. [b:t7qymnoe]Tell you family[/b:t7qymnoe]. So what if there is trouble over it? He deserves it. He has brought this upon yourself. You say your family love him - well, it's maybe no harm if they know who this guy is capable of being. If he gets worse, you will be in a better position to leave, it won't be a bolt out of the blue for your family, and you'll be less likely to want to keep it secret. 2. I suspect (I may be wrong) that you want to keep it secret from your family as you are ashamed of what happened. [b:t7qymnoe]Do you blame yourself? Please don't. [/b:t7qymnoe]He shouldn't have hit you about the face - a really nasty act, and if your face is still sore, he must have punched you. you didn't deserve that, and you shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to go to your support network, ie your family, to ask them for help. 3. Telling your family will alert him to the fact that the game is up. They may give him a lot of grief over this, so he should be on best behaviour for a while. However, it's no guarantee that he'll stop, or that if children come along, that he won't hit them. 4. [b:t7qymnoe]Look at his father[/b:t7qymnoe]. Does he seem a violent man? Are his parents on good terms? Is his mum afraid of the dad? Are his siblings? A lot of this behaviour is learned at home, and becomes the norm and thus is 'acceptable'. Best of luck.[/quote:t7qymnoe] I really agree with all of this. It must have been a hard slap if you could feel it some time later. A slap in the face is very bad, it's like treating you like a bold child and it's a control thing. I am no expert and I really don't know what I would do, but I think you need to tell someone, maybe even just one person in the family. Definitely go for some professional help to someone independent, if you call a woman's help line they will point you in the right direction. Do not allow drink to become a factor, it's only an excuse (an excuse that should not be tolerated) Most importantly don't allow yourself to feel ashamed, this is not your fault.
Mama2 Posts: 1230
I know this a controversial view point but I always say H2B would only ever get the chance to hit me twice. We're together 10 years and he has never raised a hand to me. In fact the very idea of it is so alien that it's laughable.I think that if he hit me for the first time now I'd be very slow to walk away. I genuinely believe that if he did I'd stay and give him the benefit of the doubt. After all of this time I know that it would be completely out of character and in exceptional circumstances. I think counselling would be necessary to see how we ended up in that position. But if he ever did it again, I'd walk without listening to apologies. At that point, I'd believe that it was part of who he was and came as part and parcel of being in a relationship with him. I think that's the time to walk. and for the record, don't be ashamed of telling people. I've seen violence in a relationship first hand and I know that the worst thing is keeping it secret. It will eat away at you.
gerbil Posts: 3528
[quote="Sandie":1eezlb5x] Gerbil, nothing like this has ever happened before. We have had a great relationship which is probably why i'm just finding it so hard. .[/quote:1eezlb5x] would it be accurate then to say this is the first angry row you've had? the first time you've been shouting at each other or really rowing ? maybe then the situation where you "crossed" him simply didn't arise before and what you are seeing is his reaction to a row. or his reaction if drunk in a row. Sorry, it's very hard even to guess not knowing either of you, i guess I am just saying that maybe either ye have a pattern of aggressive rowing that has escalated now to this, or you have as you say never had a bad, aggressive row and maybe you just haven't seen this side of him before, and this is the way he reacts if he feels angry or if he is rowing when drunk.. Either way it's worrying.