Invasive FIL!

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BridetobeSep16 Posts: 7
Really need some advice here if anyone can help as I'm struggling to cope with it.... Basically my father in law keeps letting himself into our house while we are at work, uninvited, whenever he feels like it. when he started doing it first a few years ago i freaked out, my husband didnt understand the problem! then when he realized how i felt that it is a complete lack of respect and invasion of privacy - he said something to him, but obviously not stop. now he'll ring my husband beforehand to tell him he's going there 'cos he has an "hour to pass" or make up a silly excuse he's dropping something off. this could be 2 or 3 times a week. my husband doesn't understand how i feel because he let him know he was going there. i cant take it anymore, i cant relax as im going out the door in the morning wondering if someone will be in my house while im gone. also i'm thinking of the bigger picture - what if i'm pregnant in the coming future at home sick and hiding my pregnancy in the early days and he arrives in on top of me. also when im at home i dont want to be on the lookout waiting for him to come in the gate. ive never suffered from anxiety before but this has me in bits and i cant cope anymore. can anyone understand my feelings or do you think im being unreasonable? i know my husband doesnt want to hurt his feelings as he adores him but im sure if it was my mother or father he's feel different.
BuzzyBee92 Posts: 142
I think I know how you and your husband feel. When we first moved into our house my parents would come over a few times cause they had a key...I was ok with this cause they're my family and I love them but my husband wasn't comfortable at all, he would feel the same if it was his own parents. We were able to talk about it and have an understand, my parents can only enter the house with their keys if it's an emergency i.e the alarms gone off, house is on fire and they need to save our dogs. Hopefully you are able to have this conversation and everyone is able to agree on some rules. Worst case scenario if DIL can't agree, change your locks and have another emergency person.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Oh God.. It's a bit OTT alright... what kind of excuses does he have to be in your house so much? Is he just bored and trying to find ways to help his son out by doing a bit of DIY and stuff for ye? I can totally understand why you feel like your privacy is being violated, I would hate to be in that situation but of course I can also see that maybe there's a poor lonely older man who feels useless and is looking for something to do with his time.. and a son who doesn't want to be mean to him. It's a lack of common sense on your father-in-law's part that has caused this, any adult should have enough cop to know that you can't be constantly hanging around invading peoples' privacy but it's put you in a crap mood and your hubby in a crap position. I actually have a few friends in similar circumstances and it has caused rows between my friends and their in-laws / husbands. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to show you some support.. if your husband finds it impossible to confront his Dad and ask him to stop calling in so much, then I don't really know where that leaves you.. but I would like to say to you that stressing out over a lack of privacy in a potential future pregnancy situation is only adding to your anger and maybe you could try to not think about hypothetical stuff.. for all you know, your FIL might not be around, he might have found something to occupy his time etc.. anything can happen. I'm soooo not trying to make anyone feel guilty or anything but I'm just saying this from the point of view of someone who has no parents-in-law now - they both died within a few months of each other and it wasn't as if they were particularly old, so it was pretty unexpected... so now, even though I know it's easy for me to say this when I'm not the one being irritated, I just see things from a different slant. I totally get what you're saying, trust me, but I feel guilt now for the fact that my husband is so good to my parents, when I know for sure I'd never have been so patient with his!!! It is a tough situation and don't think for one minute that I'm saying you should suck it up, but I'm just saying maybe try to hold back on getting annoyed about what may happen in in the future and think about how you might better manage your stress over what's happening right now - maybe your hubby could spend more time with him away from your house so that your FIL still feels involved in his life or something like that.. best of luck with it! In-laws, eh! :)