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is this normal behaviour from a guy?

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sweetpoppy Posts: 78
I've been seeing a guy since last May. I've known him for 2.5 years where i dated him briefly and then discovered he was seeing someone else, we weren't too far into anything so stayed friends. He even set me up with another one of his friends, who turned out to be a complete jerk and went around spreading tales on me, which were all untrue. The problem is the guy i'm seeing believes what he said and uses this to throw at me at every given opportunity, and how this hurt him soooo much, (Bearing in mind he was seeing someone else at the time too, and we were just friends). He has cited this as the reason he doesn't want me going out with him and the "lads" as he would just find it too awkward being around us, which is fair enough, but my problem is that after being together in a relationship since last May, not one of his friends knows about me. If we go out its always to places where no one he knows will run into us. At the start of the relationship i could appreciate this but at this stage now, i'm wondering why he is keepiing his relationship with me secret from his friends. He has been out with me and my friends, and knows all of them at this stage. He doesn't get why i'm so upset about this. Also it seems to be one set of rules for him and another for me, its fine for him to have female friends but if i have male friends then i must be sleeping with them. Its fine for him to ignore phone calls and messages from me because he is busy, but if i'm busy and delay i'm being rude and obviously gone off with someone else because i've gone off radar. He spends nearly half the week with me over at my house, and i don't doubt he cares about me, he's always there for me when i need him. I'm at my wits end, i love him to bits, but i can't deal with this and yet again we have had another falling out because he can't deal with me having feelings and being upset. We keep breaking up and having arguments and then as he says himself he lets me get over my rant and i'll be grand again, but its still there always niggling away at me, purely down to the fact that the first time we dated briefly he went out with someone else as well at the same time as me and i can't shake that. But in all the 2.5 years he has spent nearly every day over with me, and when i tell him its all over he always starts working his way back into my life again. I am so hurt, upset and confused i don't know what to do, shut up and accept or step away and move on?
gottabfp Posts: 5641
No its not normal behaviour, now all i know about your relastionship is what you have said in your post. This guy has something to hide. If he sees a future with you then he would have bitten the bullet and brought you out with his mates. Is he going to keep you hidden forever. My first thought was he is seeing someone else. He sounds like a right player, saying all the things to keep you happy. You deserve better than this. He should be as mad about you as you are about him.
Anahita Posts: 1161
Hmm I might understand him avoiding this friend when he's with you at the start but he needs to get over it if he sees a furture with you. Do you ever go to his place? Have you met his family? It does sound like he's hiding you to be honest and I hope it's not from another woman. I wonder is he so suspcious of you because he has somehting to himself? This is probably not what you want to hear and I'm sorry you're in a bit of a shitty situation but you have to look out for yourself. :action32 You need to have a good chat and not let me think you are having another "rant" again and will get over it. Push him for answers.
sweetpoppy Posts: 78
I've tried talking to him numerous times about how i feel and everytime he flies off the deepend at me and won't even listen to me, thats when he starts throwing stuff at me about the friend of his that i went out with and how i didn't care about hurting him then. I have been to his house lots of times and have met his mother, I've also met his two sons once. I remember asking him once why he had never introduced me to any of his friends and was told it was because i'd probably sleep with them too, which is complete and utter nonsense, but because of stuff his friend spread around about me, thats what he now thinks.
happyfamily Posts: 3323
You poor thing. Firstly this really isn't normal at all. And if he loves you he'd believe you that these stories the other guy spread aren't true at all. You deserve respect adn recognition. I know it's so much easier said than done but you really need to walk away. Either it'll be over and it'll be soo so tough but you'll be able to move on to a healthy relationship OR he'll get a wake up call and realise that he needs to have a proper relationahip with you-not this sordid secret relationship. I wich you all the best and I hope you can be strong enough to get yourself out of this horrible situation one way or another PS just read your last post-my OH would never say such a derogatory comment about me. How dare he suggest you'd sleep with all his friends :ooh If that's what he thinks of you i'm really sorry but he doesn't love you
Anahita Posts: 1161
Ok, he is a complete and utter unreasonable a**hole. How dare he say you might cheat on him when he was the one in a relationship when he met you! So what if you dated his friend, you were SINGLE!! He knows you have no intention of doing anything with any man, he's using this to control you. Get out now!
sweetpoppy Posts: 78
Thanks girls, definately time to go with what my head tells me, even though my heart is fighting it, but if he truly cared about me then it shouldn't be an issue with him and he should trust me. He never will and it will only continuously cast doubt and lack of trust into our relationship. Why is it that every guy i meet treats me badly and ignores my feelings, i seriously need to get the doormat off my back to stop being walked over. O:|
happyfamily Posts: 3323
Fair play to you girl. I don't think our reactions and advice surprised you and it sounds like you're ready to stand up for yourself. The sooner you ditch this guy the sooner you can meet your prince charming that will treat you like a princess :xox
teatimebride Posts: 754
[quote="Skinnymini":59a4oj4r]Ok, he is a complete and utter unreasonable a**hole. How dare he say you might cheat on him when he was the one in a relationship when he met you! So what if you dated his friend, you were SINGLE!! He knows you have no intention of doing anything with any man, he's using this to control you. Get out now![/quote:59a4oj4r] +1, some of what your were saying reminded me of me when I had my 1st serious bf at 18. He was very controlling, manipulating, jealous etc. Of course it took me a long time to realise this!! I had very low self esteem and didn't think I deserved any better TBH, it's not great still but I am very lucky now to have a H2B who adores me. Putting his jealous comments and behaviour aside, he doesn't trust you and trust is very important for relationships to survive. And, I'm thinking you don't trust him either? He needs to get over this and stop throwing it back in your face. If he believes the rumours his "friend" made up, then he can't think much of you, sorry to put it so bluntly. From my own experience, a guy that I had once kissed and who had previously asked me out made up a silly rumour about me. It wasn't a deal breaker for my OH but when I found out I went a bit mad (not at my OH, angry at the other guy) and I told my OH that it wasn't true and he immediately believed me and set his mates straight on it. If he is cheating, I dunno but I'd love to catch him out or have him caught out by the other woman. But that could be just my evil mind..... >:o) Must be so hard for you tho hun, you seem to be smitten with him but look after yourself first. XXXX
sweetpoppy Posts: 78
I know, i tried to explain that what was said wasn't true, but he is so cautious and has as many trust issues as me that he still doesnt' believe me, after all why would his friend lie?? ahhhhh!!!! And as for not going out with me in places where people will see us, I can appreciate that but as for not telling any one he is seeing me so that as far as they are concerned he is still single, no not good enough, as far as i'm concerned i'm being left home and kept secret so that he can still head out with the lads and flirt with whom he likes and for it to be acceptable to the lads because as far as everyone else is concerned he is free to do so!!! God when I was in my teens and twenties it wasn't as hard as this!!