Marriage Crisis

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Buckley2017 Posts: 2
HI Ladies, I have decided to post here as I was reading some stories and I just feel I need a little support at the moment. I am aware many people will read my story and fee I am not worth a response and I understand that. So here goes. I have been married to a guy for the last 7 years, we have two boys age 3 and 5. Cracks started to show in our marriage about 18months ago or more. We had no sex life, very little in common and I was extremely board. He did not make me laugh; he had no interest in doing up our home and could not show emotion in any shape or form. I organised everything in our marriage, seeing friends, going places, doing anything in the home etc., he had his sports hobby’s, hurling, soccer, golf on a regular occasion. The last straw for me was I started a little business on the side and he gave me no support. My husband is a teacher as are many of my friends but he was constantly bringing the teacher home, to the kids and me. So I was unfaitul and I had an affair. It was not a full on affair as in we did not go anywhere together or do anything together it was just sex. He was a emotional support to me which at the time was ok as it got me by. In the middle of my affair, I sat my husband down and told him I was miserable, not happy in the marriage and I wanted out. He was devastated and shocked. However, nothing changed. We lived separate lives and did stuff with the kids. My affair faded out and my husband and I decided to go for mediation. We dropped out of that and decided to go for counselling. So at the moment life is hell on earth. We are killing each other, constantly arguing (not in front of the kids) we have tried a few things cinema, meal out etc. we have not had sex even though he wants to. I’m hesitant because he is being so mean and cruel to me at the moment I just can’t. We constantly argue over the kids, over money etc etc….he comes to me then at the end of an argument and tries to get into bed with me. He thinks if we have sex, it will bring us closer. He could be right but I want to sort the other things first and feel good about it. He says he doesn’t know what to do, he says he does not have a problem with the infidelity as we were separated at the time but he does have a problem with me breaking down the marriage and saying I was un happy… He is constantly in bad form, moody, doesn’t want to do anything, goes to bed at 10.30 every night, wont go near my family (yet I see his everyday) says he does not see any light at the end of tunnel and he can’t knock his walls. After a big argument, the other night I said that was it I could not be positive anymore or take it and he ran after me begging me not to give up and to try harder to knock his walls. Im so low at the moment I just don’t know what to do.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi Buckley, I don't really have much in the way of advice, but I don't think you're really looking for any, you just want to vent and be heard? Because it sounds like you both have tried, in your own individual ways, to remedy things, but something is just blocking the progress.. How did the counselling go? Did you love your husband at one time? I only ask because it sounds like you really don't now, sorry if I'm wrong, I don't want to hurt your feelings or sound like I'm having a go at you, I'm totally not, but it just sounds like the love is well and truly gone if it was ever there. I can sympathise about the teacher thing. My father was a teacher and from an adult's point of view now, looking back at my childhood, it was a much more stern and strict upbringing than anyone I know had and I realise now that he was extremely controlling, everything had to run according to his way of doing things. My mam was always a bit of a wallflower but now I think maybe she just gave up and let him take charge of everything. Times were different and marriages didn't break up much in their generation, so they stuck it out but I honestly don't think they should have. I don't know what your situation is but if what you're saying is really true and honest, and you're not bending the facts in your favour, it does sound to me like you've put in a lot of effort to try and make things work and it sounds like he's giving his job a lot of energy and then taking things for granted at home. I don't know what the solution is; I'm interested to hear if the counselling had any impact on either of you, because obviously that's the first thing that anyone would suggest you do.. the fact that you have, and you're still at this impasse is concerning.
Buckley2017 Posts: 2
Hi Casualbride, Thank you so much for your lovely reply. We are still in counselling we go every second week and its going ok. its a very slow process but it is helping us a very small bit. Yes I defiantly loved him and I think we both just fell or grew out of love. Don't get me wrong I have many friends and family members who are teachers but my husband is very controlling especially with the kids. sounds familiar to your dad. I have and I am putting in a lot of effort, I am no saint what I done was the biggest mistake of my life but I had my reasons for it. I wont give up yet on it as I do believe deep down that we may be able to solve things but maybe I am just living in hope.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi Buckley, Well I suppose the success rate of counselling can be a slow process by nature, but I wonder if it would help for you to go as an individual as well - I know there are cost implications but if you Google low-cost counselling, there are always agencies around that can help out. I only say that because I know how much it has helped me - to be honest, I'd never even thought about my own father / childhood etc until it came up in therapy and now I can see things a lot more clearly and the reasons I react to things a certain way have become really obvious, so therefore make sense to me and I can talk myself through things rather than just sitting there feeling like crap. I think we can all benefit from it, so I wonder if it would help for you to be able to talk things out and come to some reasons and rationale behind the way your relationship is? You might be contributing to the dynamic in ways that you're not even really aware of, and if you haven't given up hope, then that's a massive step in the right direction already, so maybe some time spent on YOU as a person, rather than you as a wife could be great. I really hope you can work things out, fair play to you for your commitment to it all and to be fair, your husband obviously still wants to keep your relationship going as well, so at least you are both agreed on that.
LauraAdams.77 Posts: 18
it was just sex? seriously? just sex? like if its just ok because its just sex...