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sposaitaliana Posts: 138
Hey girls, Im not a regular poster on here, but I like to read the discussions. I'm living in my husbands country and we live 5 mins from his mother, so we see her everyday nearly. This has always been a problem for me because I don't want to see his mam everyday. His mother has said alot of hurtful things to me and this is 1 reason why I don't have such a good relationship with her. Now we have a newborn baby, and before we had the baby I told my husband that I was a bit nervous that his mother and sister would be so involved and telling me how to do things with the baby and he had told me no you don't need to worry, just my mum said she would like it if you called her when you need some help. Well as I said the baby is just a newborn and the other day his mum was on the phone to hubby telling him she would like to see the baby more often and he told her she can come whenever she wants to see the baby, and she replied with that she doesn't feel welcome when she comes to our house, and hubby told me probably one of the reasons is because I don't phone her and tell her to come. Now why should I have to phone his mother, he sees her everyday, they speak 3 or 4 times on the phone a day, so why do I need to phone her aswell. Its too much, going to visit her a couple of times a week for me is plenty but as far as hubby is concerned if his mother wants to come everyday then its fine, but hubby is starting work soon and he will be gone from 7am until maybe 8pm, so I would have to spend this time with his mother on my own when I don't want to. She has always said to me in the past ah you never phone me to ask me how I'm doing, but I have alot of brothers and none of their partners phone up my mam to ask how she is. I don't know many girls who phone up their mil's. There's no point talking to hubby about it anymore because we just end up aruguing. Even when his mother said some hurtful things he didn't stick up for me, he just let her say it. But he told me that later, when I wasn't there he would get onto his mam about what she said. But I think it would be better if he stuck up for me in front of his mam and not wait until Im gone. But I think the only reason why he would say anything to his mam is because I got upset by her remarks and would get angry at him for not saying anything to her. If i didn't mention it he wouldn't say anything to her. Alot of the time his mother is grand but she has her moments, I just don't like the way where she is so involved with everything and that we have to see her so much. If I was living in Ireland for sure I wouldn't go to visit my own mother that much, so why should I have to visit his that often?
Silent Bride Posts: 565
sposaitaliana, that's a tough one. Mums and their sons are so hard to get through to, especially sons who see no wrong in their mums interferring all the time, which is what this sounds like. I do know that it is important that your MIL sees the child and bonds but at the end of the day this time for you is so special and you have to do what you feel is right. What I would do is try to call to her house maybe twice a week, that way you can leave when you feel its time to go. If you offer an open invite for her to call to you, she may call every day and forget when to leave which is what you don't want. Maybe then if she called another day to you, thats 3 days a week which in my opinion is loads to see the MIL. You never know calling to her might help your relationship with her. But if she continues to talk bout you to her son after you making an effort, then Im sorry, what more does she want. Maybe the odd day if you have to pop out do do something drop the child to her for an hour. I know you always want to bring the baby with you, I did, but even go do something for yourself without baby. This might help her to stop complaining. Don't let it stress you out too much, remember this time with your newborn, you will never get back so enjoy every minute of it.
the winner Posts: 4148
Hey I'm going to have a fund raising event soo so we can all get enough money together to send our MIL to an island far far away from us.. http://www.weddingsonline.ie/discussion ... highlight= :D
NemoFish Posts: 2501
Maybe its a cultural thing - if you are living in Italy, maybe its the norm there that you are now part of the family and as such should treat her like your mother, and call her. try and find out from some other italians.
Mrs Beasley Posts: 589
Seashelly just took the words right out of my mouth - it sounds like a cultural difference to me. Perhaps your hubbie could explain to his mother how we do things in our culture and maybe rather that doing things to the extreme one way or the other, you could reach a middle ground and perhaps she could be a bit more tolerant, etc, etc? Ah MIL's.... I hope Im not as annoying to the person my son ends up with :-8
Chococat Posts: 1632
My friend had a similar situation with her DH. You should invite your MIL down one day when DH is not there to talk. Your hubby will sugar coat everything to spare her feelings & she may not even get the picture. You need to tell her that this is not how things are done in your culture. Tell her that she may not feel welcome in your home because you don't ring but that's normal in Ireland. Tell her that you feel that she doesn't like you given the things she said about you. Invite her when your LO is having a nap & when she comes down tell her baby is in bed so you & her can talk. Talk to her & send her on her merry way before LO gets back up. If she comes over to talk & doesn't get to cuddle your LO she'll see you mean business. My friend actually didn't put her LO down for a nap, she left him in his bouncer & told her not to pick him up because he was "in a routine". This pi$$ed her MIL off though. Don't sugar coat anything, say everything how it is or this situation will present itself again. If you don't want to do this then tell your DH what you want to say to her & tell him that he has to tell her or you will & you will not be so sweet about it. He'll probably sort it out if he thinks you will upset his precious mammy if he doesn't.
Welsh goddess Posts: 370
I really dont think this is a cultural thing because my FMIL is exactly the same. One of you said its boys and their mums and I completely agree with you!! My FMIL invited herself and 8 of her relatives around to my house 3 days after I got out of hospital. She completely tried to take over when the baby was born it was like she was trying to replace her son because he had got with me and moved out of her house. She said some nasty things to me to but would say them when H2B wasnt around so eventually I said it to him and he had a go at her. She lives 15mins drive from me and when our son was born she said to my H2B that I didnt make enough of an effort to go visit her (no consideration for the fact that I had a newborn baby and also a 6yr old daughter in school and a house to run!!) She is constantly interferring in our lives and I dont know how I havent killed her yet. Now its the bloody wedding that she wants to take over O:|
Chococat Posts: 1632
[quote="Welsh goddess":2d4hg9pf]My FMIL invited herself and 8 of her relatives around to my house 3 days after I got out of hospital. [/quote:2d4hg9pf] :eek I don't know how lucky I am. All MIL's are a pain but at least mine keeps her distance. :o0
Welsh goddess Posts: 370
xx - Sweetheart - xx you dont know how lucky you are. mine even invited herself on a weekend away that we were going on with the kids!! Then I had to organise accomodation plus we had to take both our cars and split up our family because she said she wouldnt drive cos she didnt know where she was going (either did I but I had to drive)!!!! O:| Then she wouldnt pay for petrol money
hagfromhell Posts: 2146
[quote="Welsh goddess":37stcvbq]xx - Sweetheart - xx you dont know how lucky you are. mine even invited herself on a weekend away that we were going on with the kids!! Then I had to organise accomodation plus we had to take both our cars and split up our family because she said she wouldnt drive cos she didnt know where she was going (either did I but I had to drive)!!!! O:| Then she wouldnt pay for petrol money[/quote:37stcvbq] del.....