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Money Issues - Update from earlier this year

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goldyp Posts: 26
This is an update to my posts of earlier this year. (Sorry not sure if I was supposed to continue on that thread and this isn’t going to make sense by itself) Well I stopped posting and basically nothing changed for a while, I was still going round in limbo and really nothing got sorted. We went away for a few days down the country in March and things were not quite normal, I was on edge. We had some small conversations over the next few weeks but I started to think that this was the end as I really couldn’t communicate with this person and Ive never cried so much in my life. About a month ago now we went out one Saturday to the beach. We just started walking and he asked what was wrong with me that I wasn’t a happy bunny and he knew I wasn’t happy with him. Well it all came out. I said there was a growing list of things that I wasn’t happy with and although I loved him there were so many things that were not right. Regarding the money I said I was fed up with his snide comments about him spending more and he said that he felt that I wasn’t doing my share and often left it up to him to pay for everything – which is not true specially since weve been 50/50. And in particular there were times when we were out with the gang and I didn’t buy a round, I said I held my hand up that’s true cos I might not have 30/35 quid spare but before the “change” he would not allow me to buy a drink so I felt he had set the scene initially and then changed it and I was just going along with how things had been. I pointed out how much I earn and what my outgoings are and that I cannot compete with his spending style and we are not on an even footing. He said it occurred to him that he was being taken for a ride and I got v indignant saying how could he possibly think that of me that I was really insulted. Anyways we then talked about holidays and I said I couldn’t afford five star hotels and he said that if I paid for flights he would pay for hotel so that means I pay 25% of the cost. I said fair enough. He acknowledges that he has a lot more money and that I only need to pay for what I can afford and that he will buy dinners when we’re out and I can pay for the odd lunch or something. Also there was the other stuff about how I think he’s disrespectful, that I feel he thinks Im stupid and he’s a superior being, control freak, anal and how I was really questioning this relationship as our personalities are so different and I don’t like how he treats me sometimes. I said I was really depressed and on edge and lately could only see this relationship coming to an end. He was shocked at this, said he knew I was in bad form but didn’t think it was that bad. He just denied everything – he isn’t disrespectful, he thinks Im a very clever woman, doesn’t demean me etc so he didn’t agree that he treated me badly in that way. He said he loved me and couldn’t bear losing me and we then started having a joke about how different we are. Maybe I just have to accept that, I dunno. By now Im in floods and cant stop crying from letting all the frustration out. So then we had a fab weekend, I felt like a weight had been lifted and everything has been hunky dory the past month. BUT…….. Now this week since Monday cranky HTB has returned the nasty one having a go about everything, my driving skills on Monday, how I didn’t take the clothes out of the washing machine on Tuesday, (I hadn’t put them in so didn’t even realise there was anything in there) yesterday he lost the rag cos when I was picking him up from the train I was at the wrong end of the street and he had to walk all the way back and he was very specific in his text to say where to meet him (I was actually at the near end thinking I was doing the nice thing to avoid him walking but he had obviously gone to the shop and come from the opposite direction) but I wasn’t told that. I said Im sorry I don’t take orders about where to park and I honestly thought I was saving him a walk by parking nearer to the station. This is not just him making a comment but really having a go and makes such a big deal of everything. Im quite laid back and don’t make a huge fuss if he does anything wrong, Im always saying to him don’t sweat the small stuff so I don’t understand the big deal and why everything has to be a fatal error on my part if things aren’t done his way. Q: Is this just normal stuff, just normal arguments and normal differences. So now this week Im all on edge again. Does anyone else have a relationship like this? I expect things to be relatively easy, but sometimes its very hard work. Am I expecting too much, am I being over-sensitive. My friends always say to me that its normal to have disagreements but I think its more than that but I really don’t know. HELP please. :o(
bosco101 Posts: 104
goldyp, I really feel for you in this position. I honestly have to say that from what you've described, I don't feel his behaviour is acceptable. I have experience of a similar situation to you, please pm me if you feel it might help. :action32
October_2007 Posts: 937
Goldyp, I dont really have any advice for you but i think he's bang out of order. This sounds a lot like hard work to me and its definitely not normal in my opinion and no you are not being over-sensitive. I think he's being controlling and a bully. Is there a reason why he's suddenly turned in to Mr Mean again? Has he a stressful job and maybe taking it out on you? Might that be a possibility? Do you think some counselling might help you too. Or even if you just took a few days out for your self - go away with a friend, leave him to his own devices to think about things. Hope things work out for you :thnk
livadia Posts: 351
goldyp, He's a bully who gets his "jollies" out of making himself feel superior by making others feel like they are not worth a damn. No matter how much time, effort, money and feelings you've put into this relationship, get out. Things will never change -- he can't cope with life any differently. You don't deserve to be beaten down in this way. Take charge of your life and move on before you don't have a shred of self-confidence or dignity left. Livadia
Miah Posts: 2738
Goldyp I think some of the replies here have been a bit harsh. I think you're just on edge because things were so bad before. You're kinda left feeling a little more sensitive to any argument and you're thinking that he's going to go back to the way he was. But what you described above just sounds like nagging to me. My husband is a ferocious nag :o0 He follows me round the house giving out when I don't switch off lights behind me and he nags about other stuff as well. But this is normal behaviour. I just do one of two things - either laugh at him or tell him to stop nagging. It can't be all moonlight and roses all the time. Those who said her partner was a bully, don't you think that's a bit of an over-reaction? Do none of you get nagged occasionally?
scotswedding Posts: 2829
[quote="Miah":22xgbknb]Goldyp I think some of the replies here have been a bit harsh. I think you're just on edge because things were so bad before. You're kinda left feeling a little more sensitive to any argument and you're thinking that he's going to go back to the way he was. But what you described above just sounds like nagging to me. My husband is a ferocious nag :o0 He follows me round the house giving out when I don't switch off lights behind me and he nags about other stuff as well. But this is normal behaviour. I just do one of two things - either laugh at him or tell him to stop nagging. It can't be all moonlight and roses all the time. Those who said her partner was a bully, don't you think that's a bit of an over-reaction? Do none of you get nagged occasionally?[/quote:22xgbknb] [img:22xgbknb]http://www.myparentconnection.com/forums/images/smilies/goodpost.gif[/img:22xgbknb] Agree. Agree. Agree. If a man was posting on here saying his wife was on at him about doing the washing or picking up after him or not being in the right place I don't think we'd call her a bully. My OH is a nag. He's a perfectionist, I'm not. If he doesn't do things the way I like it I tend to leave it and appreciate the effort he made. But he likes things so and if they're not he says it. I try not to let it get to me but occasionally I do and it reminds me of parts of your post. I do think as Miah said that perhaps you're a bit more sensitive to it now and that would get you down a bit. In reply to the last piece of your post, yes relationships are hard work. Lots of people don't want to admit to falling out, disagreements and all that...even on here in their anonymity. And yes there are the people who never disagree or row and make us feel like it is all too much work. The thing is to focus on the good stuff you have. If you have to think about it a bit too much and the bad stuff way outweighs it [taking into account of course that everyone has a stage or two like that] then maybe you have a lot more to think about...
goldyp Posts: 26
Its just that it really affects me. Should I switch off and ignore the comments, should I not get wound up about it? I don’t know how to deal with it. Sometimes I think it is like bullying and he’s trying to control the way I do things, to make me do everything the way he would like. That’s not going to work, Im very much my own person but I really think he’s affecting my confidence. Miah I really think its more than nagging, I could probably laugh that off but he takes this really superior attitude about everything. Things are great for a while and then all of a sudden he gets really cranky and moans about everything I do and that goes on for a week or two and its really like two different people. He also withdraws a bit and is less affectionate. I mean last weekend we had a fantastic time and all of a sudden he starts moaning at me on Monday morning and it has been everyday since. Its like his mind is elsewhere but he doesn’t have a stressful job and doesn’t work long hours or anything. Prob is he’s not going to change and either am I. Im not a little woman trying to fit into his idea of what his perfect woman should be.
livadia Posts: 351
[quote="Miah":ybn292zn]Goldyp I think some of the replies here have been a bit harsh. I think you're just on edge because things were so bad before. You're kinda left feeling a little more sensitive to any argument and you're thinking that he's going to go back to the way he was. But what you described above just sounds like nagging to me. Those who said her partner was a bully, don't you think that's a bit of an over-reaction? Do none of you get nagged occasionally?[/quote:ybn292zn] [quote="scotswedding":ybn292zn]Agree. Agree. Agree. If a man was posting on here saying his wife was on at him about doing the washing or picking up after him or not being in the right place I don't think we'd call her a bully. My OH is a nag. He's a perfectionist, I'm not. If he doesn't do things the way I like it I tend to leave it and appreciate the effort he made. But he likes things so and if they're not he says it. I try not to let it get to me but occasionally I do and it reminds me of parts of your post. I do think as Miah said that perhaps you're a bit more sensitive to it now and that would get you down a bit.[/quote:ybn292zn] No, I don't think calling Goldyp's H2B a bully is harsh. Both of you seem comfortable having husbands who nag and pick at you -- you both say you just let it roll off your backs. Goldyp is clearly not comfortable with being being treated like she doesn't have a brain in her head and can't do anything right according to her H2B. He knows that his behavior upsets her, vows to change his tune, and within a week, he's right back to his old, nit-picking, demeaning self. The fact he has a history of Jekyll/Hyde mood and behavior swings is also not a good sign. Not only is it extremely exhausting to deal with, it's classic abuser behavior. Looking forward to a lifetime with someone like that IS NOT appealing to everyone, and Goldyp has every right to feel lost, confused, hurt and worried about whether staying with this man is for the best. I understand why she's concerned 100%. Livadia
Doggysmile Posts: 188
It sounds like he loves you but has a temper control problem. You know that feeling of frustration, flash of uncontrollable temper when you bang your head on the door of a cupboard, that kind of inability to control. Probably deep down he knows hes being totally unreasonable but cant stop himself losing it at you over stupid things. I do this EXACT thing with my mum, Im totally unreasonable and mean at times for no reason. For example, if Im tired and hungry and she puts pepper on my soup when I hadnt wanted it, its seriously not a big deal but for some reason my annoyance makes me act like an asshole to her. Maybe because I love her and know that nothing I do will make her not love me....no excuse for my shitty temper but Im just telling you that I know that uncontrollable feeling your H2B seems to have in relation to the things you do. Its totally his problem and theres nothing you can do to avoid it because you are never doing anything that merits his asshole reaction. So having said all that my point is that there is no dispute that he loves you but I dont think he will stop taking out his frustrations on you even if he tries. Can you put up with that? I know that I would never marry my mum (you know what I mean) because I hate the way I feel when Im mean to her but at least I dont see her everyday so 99.9% of the time I dont get like that with her. If I was living with her, Id probably be a jerk far more often and make her miserable too. If you decide to stay with this man, you will have to realise that hes unreasonably mean to you at times when hes frustrated about whatever and theres nothing you can do to control that except let it go off you like water off a ducks back. If you can accept and ignore his behaviour, maybe it can work. However, i hate to say it but I wonder if in my case with my mum and in his case with you, is there a problem with respect....I dunno, I cant figure out why my mum brings that nasty side out in me when i have never ever even had a twinge of that snappy, unreasonable feeling in relation to anyone else, even if Im with them 24/7 for a month. I hope this doesnt upset you but sometimes people are just not quite right for eachother, nobodys fault, just I know that my darling brings out the best in me and makes me always want to be good and kind no matter what. No previous boyfriends have brought my patient and nice side out so well so thats why I think we are right together. Good luck with the decision, if all else fails, give him a solid kick in the ass, you sound really nice and deserve to be treated nicely back.
mammybean Posts: 10364
Goldyp i am sorry things have gone back to the way they were. At the start i was thinking he was bang out of order etc then i rea what miah and scots wedding had to say and it kind of made sense. You know he may not even realise he is doing it. I think you need to nip it in the bud and say to him that he is doing it again and you cant live like that.