To add to the what the other girls have said, I would be worried about this situation. It seems to me that the money issue is a symptom of an overall lack of communication between you. Look at it this way, if you get married you're supposed to be partners, running a household together - would you run a business with a partner who never let you see the books and made you wonder constantly what profit they were making? Practical things like this need to be out in the open and you need to make a firm joint decision about them, otherwise they will be a continuous source of friction and distrust. It seems like you don't know your partner very well and that's not a good starting point for a marriage.
Also, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I got a very negative vibe from your whole post - what you say about him pursuing you and and about postponing the wedding all seem to be suggestive of a lack of certainty on your part (and maybe his part too). Are you sure you want to be with this guy? (regardless of the money problems)
OK Callalily I’ll suggest staying somewhere cheaper – I wonder what his reaction will be, he will not be impressed! And his attitude used to be the same as your H2Bs in that he wanted to spoil me (obviously this was just a temporary thing). I was beginning to enjoy it and never took it for granted because I always felt I was doing my bit in returning the treats (but of course not to the same extent). I think in our case its ridiculous to be arguing over money, Im not short of money and I don’t mean to put on the poor mouth here, I have a decent job and a reasonable standard of living but he is actually quite wealthy its just that the difference is huge and he never expected me to go 50/50 up til a little while ago.
Actually big smiles, you know I think you’re right about their insecurity that we are using them but isnt it insulting that this person who is supposed to know you and be madly in love with you thinks that you are out to rip them off. Its really sad and very disrespectful. Also my friends think that Im having the life of Reilly – little do they know. I think I will point out to him what disposable income I have cos maybe he thinks I have more than I actually do.
I shop in regular boutiques – nothing fancy and he buys all designer gear in London and Paris eg. he just paid 2.5k for a suit!! and when I buy something in River Island or something he’ll say oh what cheap sh*te so I cant imagine he’ll want to stay in a cheap hotel. But he’s gone so stingey that Id imagine he will suffer it rather than having to pay extra as he really has a bee in his bonnet about this issue. As you say May2008 there could be a deeper issue here but I haven’t a clue what.
Architec – something you said struck a chord. A friend of his (also wealthy) has a girlfriend who everyone talks about cos she takes him for a ride and never pays for anything and gets him to buy all her clothes and wont even buy a round of drinks. Now Im not like that at all but I wonder if my H2B is thinking I am cos hes always the most vocal in complaining about this girl.
Randall, its not that’s his circumstances have changes and has new outgoings and he would not be in any financial difficulty. He can well afford to buy anything he likes. He has a few investment properties and no mortgages!
Also Seoid you are right, I am feeling very negative at the moment and it was my suggestion to put the wedding back and he didn’t want to. And there is a lack of communication, like a typical woman I like to “talk” and sort things out and he doesn’t see the need and I find it hard to get through to him about lots of things.
[b:20r27kuq]So can I ask him straight out what he earns?[/b:20r27kuq] Id imagine it’s a big secret and he wont tell me in case I try to “rip him off” (his thinking not mind) even more and lose the run of myself. Sometimes he annoys me so much cos he acts like my saviour that he came into my life to save me from poverty and to take care of me. Bloody cheek!
Thanks Girls that’s very helpful. Lots of stuff to think about. I am actually feeling very uncomfortable about all this and am questioning the relationship and if I can continue to live like this.
His behaviour sounds really wierd to me, im in a different boat in that both myself and my partner earn roughly the same amount and so we do tend to just cut things down the middle, but as you said, you have been used to him acting a certain way and now all of a sudden he has changed his ways, i would definately think some open conversation re:difference in salaries and difference in disposable incomes might really make him see the error of his ways, and if there is some other underlying issue, it might come to light. I hope it all works out
with no guilt trip attached..
I like some others am in the opposite situation.. I earn alot more than my hubbie... which I am very concious off so I ensure that my expensive tastes doesnt mean he cant treat me or keep up with me..
I tend to allow him pick the places we go to and if I want to go somewhere nice I book well in advance.. Its not that I dont contribute more (I do) but I dont want him to feel like I am paying for him as hes a man after all and proud about these things..
We never have issues with money as most times we just pool together what we have, and if my contribution is more well and good.. I do pay more of the bills but I dont make an issue of it...
But on the other hand, he's romantic and does like to treat me, so he often suprises me with flowers and weekends away.. Which TBH am delighted he makes the effort. I am a woman after all and like to be wined and dined..
In relation to knowing what he earns, I have always know this.. And I think this is important especially when you have kids, if I do decide to stay at home for a couple of months I would expect that I can get to his money when I need to
A lot of good advice has been given, I don't have that much to add to it. I've just read your first post again, it's a pity ye have been fighting so much - is there a bigger underlying issue and is money another part of it?
To be honest it sounds like something happened to change his behaviour but instead of discussing it with you he got all suspicious and just decided to change. I wouldn't ask him straight away what he earns, because I don't think the trust is there at the moment between ye. I would ask him to explain how did he go from insisting on treating you to insisting on 50/50? What happened in between? Maybe he'll realise that he should have talked to you about it before.
I agree with all the previous comments of just being open with him yourself and explaining that you can't afford to go 50/50 on certain things, including the supermarket stuff he likes, let him buy it himself. Maybe then he will be more open with you. Ask him about how he intends to marry someone who is earning less, and expect them to contribute 50/50 to an expensive lifestyle.
If he won't discuss this, tell him that you will just have to separate the finances altogether and spend only what you want to. If he wants to look after his own money, well then you make sure you look after yours, you're not married yet.
About the expensive lifestyle - unless you know what he is earning don't assume he can even afford this. He might be in debt for all you know. There are a lot of people living above their means even if they earn loads. Maybe now is not the right time yet but if I were you I would be aiming towards definitely knowing his financial situation before you marry him. You will definitely have to come to some sort of agreement about how money will be spent and what kind of lifestyle you want before you get married. Even whe ye are married and sharing everything you might not want to live that lifestyle that he is used to. It seems like a long way to go from where ye are now to be honest and ye won't get anywhere without communication. Money is a really tricky thing - myself and my husband get along great but I can tell he finds it hard to discuss money.
Nothing to add to all the useful advice you've been given, but just wanted to say it strikes me as very strange not to know what your fiancé's salary and financial standing are. H2b and I are very open about money, share all expenses, budget together, etc. We are on roughly the same salary. We would often treat each other to dinner, etc. or else we just split the bill, depending. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, what kind of partnership will it be if you don't know how your husband's finances stand? I'm not having a go at you, it just seems strange to me that you could be in this situation. Hope you can sort it out and wish you the best of luck.
I agree with all the girls' advice above, however in your last post something you said really stuck out with me - you said if you bought a top in River Island he'd say 'oh what cheap sh*te'. Now to me that is just downright disrespectful and is undermining you. I know it might seem like a throwaway comment to some but I just find that awful and I'd be very hurt if my DH said something like that to me, in that context and bearing in mind the other things you've said about him & money etc.
From reading your posts I have to say I'd be seriously questioning that relationship. Apart from the money issues, what is he like as a partner, is he loving/caring? Do you enjoy your time together?
Yeah that comment about the top stood out to me as well and I think that's what made me think whether he is living above his means himself. Is he living the expensive lifestyle because he really can afford it or just because he doesn't want to be buying "cheap shite"? A lot of people who turn up their noses at economising feel that they have to be flashy and be seen to be buying really expensive stuff, *whether they can afford it or not.*
Princess, apart from all the issues lately, it has been really good. It was one of those perfect relationships and everything that any girl would ever wish for, he just totally swept me off my feet. He is actually a good guy, hes caring and affectionate and I love being with him and we just have such a laugh. For a long time I was ecstatic in my relationship. That’s why there are things which are happening which are totally out of character from the person I thought I knew and I am totally taken by surprise by this money issue. I think we are just so different – different backgrounds, hes got an amazing career, I just have a job. I just wonder sometimes if he was on best behaviour for a long time to make sure he “got” me and now Im just seeing what he’s really like, I cant figure it out. A male friend of mine thinks that hes just relaxing now that he thinks we’re together forever and he can do what he wants but Im not taking this behaviour.
Hes definitely not living beyond his means. He just thinks everything is cheap cos he can afford to have a wardrobe of labels. Hes not openly flashy, he just knows what he likes and can get it.
A way of discussing his earnings would be to explain that you know he is on a higher salary than you and perhaps you should contribute to the shopping/expenses on a pro-rata basis.
But you need to speak to him on this and explain that if you are sharing costs he must be considerate of your means - tell him what you are taking home.