Don't mean to be blunt but I also think you should give him the boot. I mean no valentines card or even acknowledging it. Were here for you whatever you do.
I don’t know why its so hard but one minute I think Im going to dump him and the next everything is great and I wonder how I could possibly think of leaving him. I keep going back to how it was up to a few months ago and think I can sort it and get us back to that point. If we could only get a proper discussion going – I mean Im no angel and am sure I drive him mad sometimes but I wish we could just get it all out and see if we can fix it.
Last night I was feeling so sorry for myself I wandered round the shops after work and got home late cos I didn’t expect he would be home til later. Got the surprise of my life to find him cooking a romantic dinner, bottle of champagne, bunch of roses and a soppy card saying how he loved me since the first day he set eyes on me and how his life has changed and he wants us to be together forever. I asked why he didn’t even acknowledge my card and he said he was out of the office all day and wouldn’t have got it. So of course I didn’t want to get into heavy relationship discussions last night and we just relaxed and listened to music and had a “normal” chat.
So this is what has me so confused.
[quote:bsic63if]Man is afraid of confrontation (never starts discussions even when something is blatantly wrong)
Man is unhappy
Man wants out
Man has absolutely no intention of having to do the breaking up if he can possibly avoid it
Man is making himself deliberately unpleasant
Man is picking fights and being in-your-face grumpy
Man is just hoping you will do the hard work of initiating the break up yourself.[/quote:bsic63if]
I totally agree with Callalily I think he's pushing you away. Could there be someone else just an idea I had since he works late and didnt acknowledge V day? Might explain his moods and distance, feeling guilty maybe?
My last boyfriend was moody like that, he would take a fit of not talking to me for days at a time, I put up with it for about a year and then told him I had enough, he either changed his attitude or I was off. Miraculously he got much better. Still turned into a weirdo in the end though. maybe you just need to have it out with him, air it all out, it might ease all the worries your having?
[quote:11cusygq]Last night I was feeling so sorry for myself I wandered round the shops after work and got home late cos I didn’t expect he would be home til later. Got the surprise of my life to find him cooking a romantic dinner, bottle of champagne, bunch of roses and a soppy card saying how he loved me since the first day he set eyes on me and how his life has changed and he wants us to be together forever. I asked why he didn’t even acknowledge my card and he said he was out of the office all day and wouldn’t have got it. So of course I didn’t want to get into heavy relationship discussions last night and we just relaxed and listened to music and had a “normal” chat.
sorry just saw that part
You are absolutely nuts to be putting yourself through this, this post alone has been going on for over 2 weeks, so how long have you been feeling like this and how much longer are you going to put up with it. TBH to me it sounds as if he is playing mind games with you. Pushing you to the brink and then being all nice and romantic to reel you back in. It is not a healthy relationship.
Also there is never a good time to have tis chat and if you are looking for it you are never going to have it. You need to say straight out we need to talk about money! They say a saturday afternoon is the best time to have one of these conversations (heard it on the radio last week), as during the week you have work going on, Friday night you have just had long week, saturday morning you have a lie in and are all fresh saturday afternoon.
H2B earned 4 times as much as me but there was never his money and my money from when we moved in together, even before, it was always our money and now, his work has seriously slowed down and i am at home with a baby and we have next to no money - but its still our money IYKWIM
Goldyp I am very sorry you are going through such a hard time with your relationship at the moment.
I am sorry to put a downer on your night last night but this to me is just another aspect of his controlling behaviour. He knows that by treating you to dinner, telling you what you need to hear that you won't know what way to turn. I don't know how you have not exploded by now. I think if he was my man he would have been locked out of the house by now for the shocking way he is treating you.
He has to be aware of how he has changed but doesn't seem to care either. You are letting him dictate what is happening. He was ready to talk last Friday evening which you asked for, you backed out because he was cranky and you hadn't the energy for a fight. This totally let him off the hook to carry on as he had been doing. And to make matters worse another equation then came into it over the weekend, accusing you that there was more than just friendship between you and your friend. How have you not just knocked that one on the head immediately. Sorry to sound as if I am getting at you but he has the complete upperhand in every aspect of your life at the moment and I hate to see it happening.
I have been through something similar and an ex would have been letting on that he was jealous but really it was just another way to control me and my behaviour towards him. I would become submissive and sorry over nothing. But also with my ex he didn't actually have any money, spent every penny he had on crap of one sort or another but for some reason I was still trying to please him and spent many a night trying to work through our money and relationship worrries with him as if I was the cause. I eventually realised that he wanted to have an unhappy relationship. It was all he knew growing up and had no idea how to make one work. Even the arguments were him trying to control me. I eventually got out of course.
All I can say is to add to what others have posted about discussing everything with him first. He is relaxed now and probably thinks that whatever is going on with you (because you know in his head it is you and not him) is now over because of his show of romance and love last night. Send him an email today, tell him to be home at a certain time, do not let the TV get turned on or even the music, right down you main points starting with the changes in his attitude to money, have your examples to hand as to what he has said and done. Then if it was me I would be moving on to the dismissive attitude he has had towards you lately and then finish with the nonsense about your friend last weekend. Do not let him decide if he wants to talk to you or not. You need to tell him, not the other way around.
I really truly hope this all works out for you. Take care of yourself.
Do yourself a massive favour and dump him before he turns around and has the satisfaction of dumping you. With this guy you don't know what he will do. Your time on this earth is too short to be letting this guy play you.
You've tried very hard to talk to him and he has refused. Now he thinks he's won you over by cooking for you like you were a child or something. He has no interest in actually fixing the problem.
Next time you feel he's being nice and everything's great - remember - it is only on his whim. Don't fall for it. Even if he's great to you sometimes, he is switching it on and off as he feels like it - he's not there for you when you need him and that means that he may as well not be there at all.
I think you would be a lot better off without this guy. Don't bother with him anymore he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to even be told what's going on as he has never told you what's going on. He deserves to be just left - you can do it - you are within your rights not to even telling him you're going! Which is what I think you should do if it means that it's finished sooner rather than later. If you keep trying to talk to him you'll be trying a long time. Willingly wasting more of your time being played. Sorry about the tone of my post I'm just really angry.
If you leave him and then he says he's sorry just ignore it. Even if he is genuinely sorry it doesn't matter, he can't have a normal relationship you will still end up in the same boat if you leave and then go back.
Wollies, thank you all for the great advice, you have no idea how much you have helped and Im so stuck in a bad mindset at the moment that I do not trust my emotions, thoughts or feelings. I am actually boring myself with all the stupid details and as you said Mammy Bean this post has been going on for more than two weeks with no resolution - problems actually started last October. I feel I am blinded to what is obvious to everyone else. I need to reiterate that I am not a stupid woman, I am (generally) a happy, confident, outgoing person with no self esteem issues. I put a high value on myself and know that I deserve the best in life as I am willing to give 100% to receive the same back. I am not a victim and have never been in this position before, I am not a serial offender when it comes to relationships repeating the pattern of being treated like rubbish by men. I can spot them a mile away but this man got me hooked and the behaviour changed after a year or so and for some stupid reason I am having difficulty in dealing with it. Don’t worry I am going to sort this but in the meantime Im not going to bore anyone with any more details, I know its all getting a bit tedious and Im even beginning to lose patience with myself! Thanks all.
NO NO NO NO
please dont tke what i said the wrong way i certainly didnt mean that you were boring people. I was trying to say that you are going through the mill for some time now and it isnt good for your health. I am so sorry if i offended you.
If anything i think you should keep posting here as seeing things written down can help put things into perspective as do others peoples opinions and their advice
goldyp we are here to help you whatever you decide. We are just giving our opinions. We want to help. Let us know what happens. maybe he just needs the scare of losing you to realise his behaviour. Just talk to him and sort it out. As another poster said write down all the issues you have discussed and talk to him about them. Best of luck. We are hear for you.