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Not sure if I want kids

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do-i-want-kids Posts: 4
Hi All Regular poster here, but wanted to go anon for this. This has been on my mind for quite a while now, and I dont really know what to do. I'm 26 and have have been with my h2b for about 7 years. We're getting married early next year, and we've started getting the usual - Oh you'll be having babies soon. Now the thing is - I have a large family with LOTS of nieces and nephews (I was an aunt by the time I was 8). So i'm WELL used to babies, and they always seem to really like me - I'm always able to make babies smile and laugh and stop crying etc. Here's the problem - I've seen what babies do to peoples lives, they cost SO much money, take up so much time and effort. I've started to realise that I'm quite selfish, in that I dont know if I'd be able to handle no longer having my own live to sleep as much as I want, be up at all hours of the night, be constantly tired etc. Also, I dont believe its fair on children to have them unless you really want them - and I'd be afraid that I'd be a bad mother. I know H2B does want at least 3 kids - and I've said to him that I'd like 2. But as we get closer to the wedding date - I'm actually not sure if I really do want kids. I sort of feel like it wouldnt make a difference to me if we had them or not! I dont know whether to speak about this to H2B, as I'd be afraid I'd hurt him too much, and it could effect our relationship. Anyone else out there who feels the same? Or any advice to anyone?
Take 2! Posts: 403
i think you need to talk to him, my h2b has said he wants kids and i know if after the wedding he changed his mind i would be livid! Just talk to him and explain how you are feeling, maybe you just feel under pressure with everyone talking about it - you don't have to start straight away!
dita Posts: 960
O.k not every one wants kids and thats fine but seriously at 26 years of age off course things like the good life and time for yourselves means far more to you than kids do... I was exactly the same ..If Hubbie had wanted kids then I would have been saying a big no Its when your a bit older you start to realise that none of the material things that mean so much to you now really mean anything at all I'm dying for kids now can't wait for the day... Your mind is just not tuned into it now ..The fact you probably wanted them at some stage means you'll probably want them again... Don't be to hard on yourself ...and don't be worrying about it
October_2007 Posts: 937
First of all, like other posters have said you are quiet young so dont feel you need to decide now. Having said that you should make your feelings well known to you H2B before you get married. I have never particularly wanted children, Im 33 on my next birthday, married a year and a half but I made my feelings know to DH long before we were engaged. He pretty much feels the same, thank god but thats not to say we wont change our minds in a year or two or three from now..never say never, although I have zero desire right now.. We get people making comments to us the whole time - I just ignore them or ask them about their own sex lives!
myself Posts: 192
Are you 100% sure you don't want children? you are so young still, are you sure in 5 years you won't feel differently? I would discuss with your H2B. If you marry him, and then afterwards tell him you don't want children, he has grounds to get the marriage annulled in the church. Also it wouldn't be very nice to marry him letting him think that you want the same out of the marriage as he does, only to tell him later that you don't.
theoracle Posts: 7664
It is a good idea to discuss it with H2b if your feelings on the subject are quite strong, as this is only fair. However if you are not entirely sure it's a no, than tell him you are not sure how you feel about it rather than saying I don't think I will want any kids, as you are only 26 and might just not be there yet. My DH took many years to start feeling like kids and we had our first when I was 34 and himself 32, but now he wants a bunch (we are on no 3 right now), so you never know how your sentiments might change. Don't worry about other people, they do not live your life, you do.
do-i-want-kids Posts: 4
Hey All Thanks a million for all the responses. I'm not 100% sure that I DONT want children, and we had planned to wait a few years anyway. But I suppose as ye have said, I need to let H2B know now before we get married that I'm having doubts. I love him so much though, Im afraid that it might be a dealbreaker for him and he'll break it off. I know I'm young, so maybe later on the desire will hit me full force - I think my biggest fear is that its a dealbreaker for H2B, but I'm gonna talk to him tonight. Also, I'm afraid that if we do have kids in a few years time, that I'll realise fully then that I dont want them, and then I'll resent them. And that would just be awful for everyone concerned. At the moment my thoughts are about all the problems - what if I'm a terrible mother, what if we cant cope financially, how will I handle the complete exhaustion. I just cant seem to grasp the apparent joy that they bring.
BusyDee Posts: 8527
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theoracle Posts: 7664
All the fears you mention are completely natural and does not mean you would make a bad mother at all. Many of us even when they got a much wanted BFP were filled with feelings of dread and panic as to what does this really mean and are we ready for this change to our lives. I understand your fear of how DH will react, however explain to him all the reasons behind your thinking and your insecurities also. Hope it goes well for you.
October_2007 Posts: 937
Isnt it funny how we all have the same battles in our heads...do i want kids, do I not want kids, what if i have one and then realize i didnt want one, what if i never have kids and live to regret it...they way I look at its is never say never and whats for you wont go past you! Try not to worry too much now. Maybe leave it till you are hitting the 30 age mark and re evaluate again. Your so young chick, you've loads of time to decide. Sher Im 7 yrs older that you and I still cant decide!! :o0 :o0 I'm enjoying my lifestyle too much!