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Not sure if I want kids - Page 2

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Ficidy Posts: 1753
I could have written your post myself. I'm the exact same so I know where you're coming from. Also not sure and I'm 32! Am waiting for the urge to hit me, but I'm not sure it ever will. Am sick of people talking about us having a baby too - they really don't have a clue. I'd say forget about it for now and see how you feel in 5 years time. Things might be completely different by then, they also may not be, but you need to tell himself how you're feeling. It's only fair. Best of luck.
april2010 Posts: 344
Hi do-i-want-kids I dont really have advise but i just ant to let you know that reading you post was like reading my own story, Im 28, i have 5sisters 1 brother and they are all older than i am and i have 8nieces and 1 nephew and he will be 21 this may so ive also been an aunt since i was 7 Anyway I have never wanted children ever and I just made it very clear to H2B about this I may change my mind but i cant see it to be honest, I have seen how much life changes and yes maybe you will love it but then again maybe you wont and at the min i know id hate it so ive told H2B that children will not be considered for at least another 6-7 years :) Dont be afraid to tell him you may be surprised by his reaction he may tell you he doesnt want them for a long time and well at that stage maybe you will be ready :)
maverick Posts: 58
Hi, just want to saw your entitled to your feelings regarding having children or not. When I was in my 20's I actually hated children. Everyone who knew me knew the way I felt. I'm not saying you don't like kids, you're just not sure you want them and that's ok. You do need to have a chat with H2b as you've said because it's his future children too you're considering to have or not so he has a major say in what way he sees his life panning out. Having read the above, I now have a six month old at the age of 36 and I completely love him to bits. He's my favourite person in the whole world. So it is possible to do a complete 360 in the way you think. I'm not suggesting you will or you should change your mind in the future. It's your life, because you need to absolutely be ready and want them because it's the hardest time mentally and physically and you need to be ready for the changes in your life they will bring. A friend of mine totally doesn't want kids and I totally support her decision. It's not for everyone and society shouldn't pressure women into having children if they don't want them. I just figured I'd probably regret not having them or least try to have them so I just said I'd give it go. I changed my mind when I decided to get engaged, I got married and was pregnant within a month of getting married so it all happened pretty quickly. I did always say to h2b that I wasn't sure if I wanted them or not, I was always up front with how I felt. I thought I'd be a crap mam but I'm doing pretty ok for a novice. There's no handbook or courses to take, like learning how to drive. Instinct just kicks in, and the most important thing to remember all first time mothers are full of doubts and insecurities and the vast majority are just learning as they go along. Sorry for the long post, just to say you may not always feel like you do and all you can do is be honest how you feel right now and see how things go. Best of luck with the wedding
zoesmama Posts: 2774
i really think you should talk to your h2b before you get married. just tell him exactly how you are feeling. i have a v good friend whose DH is v adamant about not wanting kids but she knew this from well before they got engaged and she was prepared to agree to that. i on the other hand was going out with someone before DH who used to say that he would never have kids. naively i thought we are young and he will change his mind but the longer we went out i realised he was serious. it was a deal-breaker for me. now there were other issues but that was the one that made me decide not to try to work out the rest. i asked DH v early on (prob too early on :-8 ) how he felt about kids and he is probably more keen than i am to have more than 2 at this stage. what i am trying to say is honesty is the best policy. tell him how you are thinking as at least that way he knows. in relation to your fears trust me we all have them. yes having kids is restricting but only as much as you allow it to be. we met a couple 2 years ago in Greece travelling round the world with 2 toddlers and loving it !! it can be exhausting but you will adjust. financially yes they will cost money but you don't have to go mad either. and as for being a bad mother some days i feel that i am but in my heart i know i am doing my best. good luck :xox
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
You just can't say your wedding vows to this man if you have any doubts in your head, yes it could be a deal breaker but if he wants to be a father then he needs to marry somebody with the same dream. I was engaged once before to a man who wanted children but I didn't so I had to walk away, I could not give him what he wanted to it could never be a match made in heaven. But what's meant to be won't pass you by, now I am married to a man who shares my dream, ok he has a 9 year old from a prev relationship and that wasn't in the plan but hey you can't help who you fall in love with but if anything it has made me happy to know that leading my life child free is the right decision for me & us. If you have your doubts you need to discuss them.
joker Posts: 2789
Children are not for everyone... However if you are having doubts about children and H2b thinks you do want children and you dont... Best to discuss it b4 you walk up the aisle...I am the same age as you... Have no intention to have children for at least 5 years and if it happens it happens, thats a risk we'll take... I want to enjoy my life as i'm only beginning to get one... you defo need to inform your h2b of your feelings... however i'm sure as time goes on you may feel differently!!
do-i-want-kids Posts: 4
Hi All Well I bit the bullet last night and told him how I feel. I explained that I thought I might want kids in about 6/7 years, and he was fine with that. But I made it absolutely clear to him that I have very strong doubts about having kids, and how at the moment, I dont want them, and that I'm afraid that that feeling will not change, and I may never want them. Unfortunately being the typical man, he could not understand why it was a grey area for me - he thought it was very black and white, and was saying - well why dont you want kids. And I said because I just dont feel like it, and I think you should only have children if you really want them, because otherwise its not fair. He couldnt really get his head around this for a while, he thought it was a thing that you either wanted them or not plain and simple! But I did explain there are alot of people who just arent sure. Anyway, we talked for a long time, and I just said, look - I'm saying that now I dont want kids, I may want them at some time in the future - but because I know you want them - I think Im better telling you now, that I dont want them, and may never want them - Is that a deal breaker for you? And he said no it wasnt, that he's marrying me for me, and that if it happens that we're married a good few years and I still decide I dont want children - thats fair enough. I made it absolutely clear about my feelings, and I'm glad he was so understanding about it. But I really hope that he's not holding out a feeling in his head that I'll change my mind, But then I actually dont and he gets hurt in the process. Thanks to everyone for their feedback - and I know I've said alot of contradictory things - but I'm just very confused. But I'm glad now that I've made my feelings known to himself.
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
Your did the right thingm at the end of the day you never know you might find out in the future that your actually unable to have kids, what would he do in that situation, he has to take you for you, anything else after that is a bonus. You don't need to have children to have a good healthy marriage, sometimes children can break a marriage and not be a good thing but only you know what's best for you :wv
Tarad Posts: 198
Hi do-i-want-kids just wanted to say I applaud you on being completely true to yourself and your H2B. From my persepctive I have never felt that I wanted children, I have doubted myself sometimes in that I questioned why everyone around me did and I didnt. I definitely think people should make a completely informed decision on having children and not for the sake of it or in the fear that one day you might regret not having them or to make their partner happy, its ultimately the most serious responsibility a person will take on in their life and if its not for you then its not for you but if it is then it is and people should respect that one way or the other. When I met my Hubby I told him early days how I felt and thank god he felt same, we also discussed possibility that either of us may change our mind but 8 years on this has not yet happened and we are truly happy. I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you decide in the future
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
Excellent post Tarad :wv It is better to regret not doing something then doing something and then regretting it, I would hate to have a child and regret it, my friend did and well it just ruined her life, she went into it thinking that everyting would be ok and it wasn't.