[quote="shera":5io19q5s]It is better to regret not doing something then doing something and then regretting it.[/quote:5io19q5s]
I honestly don't see how one regret is better than the other, IMO, unless it's the impact of this regret on a child that you're thinking of. At the end of the day, life is a gamble, no matter how few risks you think that you're taking. The most important thing is not the decision [b:5io19q5s]itself[/b:5io19q5s], but that both people are in agreement, and that the decision is a well-considered one, not based on fear - either fear of ending up elderly and alone or, on the flip side, fear of having a poor relationship with your child, etc.
Although both are easier said than done, at least we have the choice today to decide what we think is best for us. Having the choice might be a torment for many of us, but still, at least the majority of us have the choice, which is fantastic.
Do-I-want-kids, don't feel guilty for having doubts - many people feel the way that you do, & most eventually go on to be happy with their decisions (or so they say!), regardless of what they decide to do. Just remain honest with your H2B, & hopefully he will be the same. Best of luck.
Someone once told me that there is never a "good time" to have children, you just know yourself when the time is right for you to make the leap. Enjoy a few years of being married, travel etc, before making any decisions - you have lots of time before you even need to start thinking about it all.
Well done for having the conversation with him, at least now you know where everything stands and you have made your feelings clear to him.
I've always wanted kids, and even at 26 I probably would have jumped at the chance to get pregnant. But by the time it did happen (30 now), even I had a few weeks of sheer panic ... the cost, giving up my lifestyle and my freedom, our lives changing completely, the exhaustion, not knowing what to do!! I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about what is going to happen to me!
thank you everyone for your feedback and advice.
I do feel alot better having discussed it with him - I really felt awful when I said what I had to say.
I really hope that I become more definite about what I want to do, and I just hope to god that H2B doesnt get hurt in the process.
He was so supportive last night, but I really just hope he thinks about what I've said properly, I have a feeling he still doesnt realise that it could happen that I might not want children.
I cant say I didnt warn him though
For me my 4 nieces are my life but I will not be banking on them to get me a good nursing home, that's what my pension is for!
[quote="Ivy F":159jeahe][quote="shera":159jeahe]It is better to regret not doing something then doing something and then regretting it.[/quote:159jeahe]
I honestly don't see how one regret is better than the other, IMO, unless it's the impact of this regret on a child that you're thinking of. At the end of the day, life is a gamble
If you regret not having kids there are always ways to surround yourself with them be it friends or families kids or charity work. If you detest your own kids, there is not a lot a woman can do to get away from them without being villified
due to marry in sept and am 36 we both are and i have no urge to have kids said to my h.t.b. and he's feels the same, again if i get the the feeling we will but until then no babies. But would hate to live in regreat or wat if.... so we will see what happens wouln't just have them cause my clock is ticking either be for the wrong reasons
If you regret not having kids there are always ways to surround yourself with them be it friends or families kids or charity work.
For me my 4 nieces are my life but I will not be banking on them to get me a good nursing home, that's what my pension is for![/quote:31q6ukze]
Re. surrounding yourself with other people's children, etc, if only it were that simple! Yes, that's what we would just have to do, if IVF doesn't work for us, but I know from the TTC process that there are many couples desperate to have a child (some suddenly so) and for whom the company of other peoples' children has never filled their longing for children of their own. It's not up to me to say which regret is worse. But I can definitely see how the impact of possible regret upon a child is a concern.
As for the nursing homes that you mentioned, as expensive as they are, it costs far more to raise kids these days - pensions are the cheaper option! I don't think that financial security in old age is the main motivation for anyone in this part of the world to have kids. In any case, judging by the cost of nursing homes, I'd never be able to afford one for my Mum - she has her own savings, thank God!
As for my story, I've had years of adamantly not wanting kids, then a period (which felt much longer) when I could think of little else but getting pregnant. Now, I'm just determined to be happy with whatever fate (or in our case, science!) decides. But the last few years have definitely been an eye-opener for me when it comes to the complex emotions & experiences of others as well as DH & myself.
It's an interesting debate, though!
I know everyones is different though and it is a tough decision to make so unless like me it comes as a superise you would have to be sure it was what you wanted.
Im 25 and had a 2 and a half yr old son, It wasnt planned and I wasn't with now h2b long (only a few month)but we had known each other long before. I always loved my social life and was out 2-3 nights every week so I was in shock for nearly the whole pregnancy and wasnt happy at all at the beginning.
When my son was born though it changed my life completely for the better. I still get out once a week and the love you get from a child would melt your heart. I defo think if it hadnt of happened my accident I would of kept putting it off saying I wasnt ready so Im glad it just happened.
Also My great aunt just passed away recently and I found it very sad that she had no kids and her husband had passed away a long time ago and it was my mam and sisters that looked after her but me personnaly I luv the idea of having a few kids and then later on grandkids in my life when Im a lot older, big family christmasses family weddings etc. Also Im sure I'll get to do more things like travel etc when Im 40
[quote="shera":10l1zdm9]You just can't say your wedding vows to this man if you have any doubts in your head, yes it could be a deal breaker but if he wants to be a father then he needs to marry somebody with the same dream.
I was engaged once before to a man who wanted children but I didn't so I had to walk away, I could not give him what he wanted to it could never be a match made in heaven.
But what's meant to be won't pass you by, now I am married to a man who shares my dream, ok he has a 9 year old from a prev relationship and that wasn't in the plan but hey you can't help who you fall in love with but if anything it has made me happy to know that leading my life child free is the right decision for me & us.
If you have your doubts you need to discuss them.[/quote:10l1zdm9]
I agree with Shera, she just said it all
It might be best to have a chat with your h2b and see how he would feel about not having any. Take it from there... good luck hun and remember, you're not alone
I don't want kids either hun - there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, so please don't feel bad if you don't want them... anyhow, there's no need to make a clear and fast decision about it now so stop putting that pressure on yourself. You might change your mind... but you might not. I cannot see myself changing my mind, that's for sure