Online cheating advice

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fontenay Posts: 186
A long time ago, my then boyfriend cheated on me online. There were extenuating circumstances in that i was caring for a sick relative at the time and wasn't really present in the relationship. He apologised profusely, said he loved me i forgave him and we moved on. We're married a few years now and when our third child was six weeks old i discovered him at it again. Basically caught him sexting another woman through an online chat site in bed in the middle of the night: he didn't realise i could see so i looked online and found his profile and confronted him. During our 'discussions' about what he had done he volunteered that he had done it again just after we got married too. I'm at a loss. I love him. We have three beautiful children together. He says he loves me now and has been very affectionate with me but in a fatherly way (kissing me on the forehead, sitting next to me on the couch...). We havnt had sex since our second child was born, his choice, apart from trying to conceive our third. It was horrible to be honest as he had told me after our second child that he no longer found me attractive or loved me like he used to and completely sexually rejected me so the sex for our third child was pure autopilot for both of us because i wanted another baby. I just want opinions because i dont know if I'm making too much out of the online cheating but its the breech of trust. I mean, he took a half naked pic of himself for his dating profile in our bedroom and used a wedding pic that he looked good in too. I love him. I know I'm a fool. He says he loves me too. If it wasn't for the kids i would have left when i caught him. I want to fix it and he says he does too but i cant imagine ever trusting him again or ever wanting to have him touch me kiss me have sex with him... It makes my skin crawl thinking about it and what he and this woman were messaging each other while i was pregnant and we had a new baby... I'm just lost.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi fontenay, I can't see you getting much advice on this that isn't "leave him". It sounds like you don't want to do that? I can't fathom what it's like for you, I don't have children, so it's probably different, but I absolutely would not want to be in that relationship. What would be the point of being married to someone who doesn't want me.. I'd prefer to maintain my dignity and self-esteem and leave rather than be with someone who says they're not attracted to me, and who acts like a horny teenager behind my back with whatever woman will give him a bit of attention. This is clearly normal behaviour for him, it's hardly likely to stop just because you caught him doing it; that happened before and it didn't stop him. It's really up to you if you want to stay married to him on the understanding that he wants to have sex with other women but not you. I can't see that changing - like, I can't see someone suddenly finding their partner attractive again after years of not feeling that way? There's a difference between a dry spell where one or both partners is feeling down or tired or whatever, and what's happened with you; your husband has told you he's not into having sex with you anymore. If you don't mind having a marriage based on companionship and stability, but not physical intimacy, then that's grand. There's no other way to look at it in my opinion, unless you maybe attend a sex therapist to see if there's something they can recommend for your husband to give things a chance to get the spark back.