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limerickgirl Posts: 10
Please help! Have been scouring through this for months now and been PM'ing one or two people about this issue to see if I can get some sort of comfort but my feelings wont go away :o( My lovely boyfriend proposed to me a few months ago. I was on a high... We are together 5 years and living together 2. I really wasnt dying to get married or in a big rush or anything but I honestly thought that he may never propose because of little things he has said over the years. I had started dropping a few jokey hints and low and behold, he proposed! I was on a high for about 4 days and then PANICK set in. I had been having fleeting doubts before we got engaged (often about how different we are and also he relies on me an awful lot. This happened mainly around the time of my period!) but shoved them to the back of my mind and was absolutely fine after a few hours (I have since discussed these issues with him) I panicked so much a few days after I got engaged that I was actually phsically sick several times. I told him how I felt and He was so good and understanding. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he was in no rush setting a date as long as he could be with me, we went for walks and did nice things together and I snapped out of it after about 3 days and wondered how I could ever have doubted us an felt so bad for doing so.... Now its 6 months later, I can be fine for weeks on end...thinking how much I love him and how I cant wait to set a date for our wedding and what a great life we have and then a niggling doubt enters my mind and I get all anxious and fretty all over again. I am afraid I don't love him enough to marry him. Im afraid that somethimes I get annoyed because he isnt like my friends boyfriends (doesnt like the same things/doesnt do the same things). I compare him to others alot in my head and feel terrible for doing so While our sex life isnt 'on fire'(my fault), I think is so cute, he makes me laugh and smile, I love being with him, he is so good to me and I am also so good to him. But now Im thinking is that enough? I dont feel flutters when he walks into a room...we are so different too and that also worries me alot. Does this mean I cant marry him? It has gotten to the stage where I am anxious about being anxious. When I am good, I am very good and I think about how happy I will be on our wedding day....I want to live happily ever after with him. Then I begin to think what a bad sign it is that Im feeling these doubts and what if I walk up the aisle feeling like this? What if Im married for a few years and completely fall out of love with him? (which has happened to me before) Dont know if this is linked at all but a member if my family used to suffer from severe anxiety and another is prone to being 'very down' at times. Maybe there is something at work in my gene pool here? Or maybe Im trying to use this as an excuse I cry and panic every time I think I might have to break up with him. I just dont want to do it to me or him. We are great together. I just dont know what to do. If I dont make it with him, I wont make it with anyone...coz, quite simply, I wont want to. Went for counselling a few months ago for 3 sessions and Havent gone back since as it didnt help. Please help. Am I in denial?
mrsdamcl Posts: 155
Just read your own post again and look at all the nice things you have said about him and your relationship. I think you are panicking because its a big step. When we got engaged i was fine and then at about Christmas i was getting so panicky about exactly the same things as you are. i just stopped doing anything about the wedding for a while and it all went away, as its getting closer now, i do get a little jumpy from time to time but I think its just nerves. I really feel that if you were not questioning yourself about such a big commitment in your life, you would be in a worse situation. As for comparing him to other people's boyfriend's, well you were attracted to each other for a reason and as far as other people's relationships go you only really ever see the good side as people tend not to broadcast their difficulties. Just try to relax a little and I'm sure you'll be fine.
Diddums Posts: 204
Limerickgirl I really feel for you, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now and seem terribly confused and worried. I'm not sure whether anything I can say will help but please try to remember that doubts are absolutely normal, and in some ways are a good thing. I would be far more worried about someone who hadn't looked at their relationship and the good and bad things before making such an important decision as getting married. I think though you may be so stressed that you are getting overwhelmed by hundreds of thoughts - is this good, is it bad - that you are doubting yourself and him completely. I think you need to break things down into simple fundamental questions. Don't try and think of things in terms of a fifty year marriage - think of things more along the lines of 'am I happy with my day to day existence with XXX, or would I feel better without him' and take the marriage decision out of the equation. The reality is that very little about your relationship changes fundamentally once you get married, the key ingredients should be there beforehand. The most important thing is - is he your friend ? Does he respect you ? Has he 'got your back' ? I think the answer is there in your post - you were so stressed at the thought of marrying him you were physically sick - and yet you still felt you could tell him that and he was understanding and considerate of your feelings, even though they must have been upsetting for him. That to me is the mark of a strong relationship and a good man. You say you are 'different' - yet you seem to have a deep trust. Don't compare him to friends' boyfriends - that is a trap of the worst kind. The reality is that you are the person who is going out with him, not them. What might work for them may not work for you. Yeah, it's nice if everyone 'gets along' and you can all do things together, but that is really just superficial. Would you prefer someone they like but when you go home at night you can't stand ? You talk about being 'different' - Where are you different ? Is it in tastes, interests ? Or is it in outlook ? You can have different tastes but as long as you are similar in certain areas (moral code, expectations, that sort of thing) the differences will be just fine. In reality most couples are 'different' - that is what makes us human. For what it's worth, I found some aspects of the pre-marriage course quite useful, in particular the area around the expectations people bring to marriage and relationships, which are usually founded in our own childhood and experience of other relationships. It may be worth trying to do this course early. Hope you an get through this - keep in touch.
gillie Posts: 384
Limerickgirl... Im due to get married in less than 4 months time... and i get really panicky sometimes.... both me and my h2b are completly different... he dosnt have the same interests as i do either... but if i go off for a day doing something i like... he will still ask me how my day went and listen to me talk about it for an hour... and will laugh and smile at me... but we do make an effort to do things togther too.... I think being completly different and having different interests is great cause there is nothing worse than living in each others pockets.... and id never compare him to anybody elses realtionships as you never know what goes on behind closed doors and every1s realtionship is different... I thinks maybe you should try and relax and maybe get some herbal tablets to take for anxiety.... but honestly from what you said in your post you seem really happy...
Hins Posts: 940
Limerickgirl, not only could I identify with your post, but I could have written it almost word for word. I was with someone for 2 and a half years whom I ADORED in every way possible. I actually would have died for her as that's how much I loved her. It was almost maternal. It was always in around my period also where things went through this weird phase. I'd go through these extreme phases with her. For example for one entire week I couldn't get enough of her, and fancying her like crazy then the very next day it'd go from 60 to 0 out of nowhere and I'd feel no level of love for her whatsoever (romantic love or attraction that is). I'd get this horrible, horrible anxiety in my chest, you know those waves that just won't go away to the piont I couldnt even speak because the panic gripped me. I felt sick also and the more nice she was asking me what was wrong, the worse I became for the day because the sheer thoughts of hurting her almost made me want to kill myself. It was all quite irrational. I had what you had, that whole cute thing going on. She'd make me laugh, unintentionally with her little ways, and I was never bored with her, EVER!!! She loved me for who I was and we did everything together and she was my best friend but these 'phases' I got wouldn't go away. I rated the relationship on sex most likely in how things were. We'd be intimate say five days a week, sometimes twice a day, then it'd set in and the thought of her touching me actually repulsed me and in my head it was HER that repulsed me, not me having an off day if you get me. I'd then spend about three or four days feeling sick with dread and feeling almost trapped with her, me, us, and the feelings of these panic attacks that took over. Then it'd go and I could be all over her again week on week off almost. This went on for two and a half years and I moved to France with her as she went home to study (she was french). I was excited about the move itself but underneath it all, I think I knew it was make or break. I thought I was going crazy in the head and would ask friends all the time did they ever get this and they'd go "Ah yeah Hins, I get that with him all the time, he wrecks my head" but I don't think they quite knew what I meant. What I experienced was different than just wrecking my head. I fought so hard to cling onto any feelings for her. When the good days happened, I clung onto them in my head hence everything heightened, but then it'd go back to that horrible dread and I'd go into this deep, lethargic sickness almost. I was so terrrifed (very very literally) as I couldnt see a way out. What I did? (and this may NOT Necessarily apply to you, but I can only speak for me) I ended it. I won't lie either, it tore me into absolute pieces. I had to listen to her bawling her eyes out like a baby on the phone begging me back and telling me she loved me and I couldn't breathe for crying also. I realised so definite and so hard all of a sudden that I wasn't in love with her (at that point that is). However, she was sitting her masters and I wanted her to pass her exams as her career was very important to her. So hearing that she had gone on tablets for the shock of it all, I sped up the 'upset' phase for her and sent her straight into the anger zone. I made her hate me so she'd put that energy into her exams. It worked, she did hate me and I had to allow her to do that. I broke her heart and broke my own in the process with grief and thought I'd never get over it, I thought and resigned myself to live with this grief and guilt forever, but you know what? Even someone like me who's overly sensitive and a bit delicate sometimes, I DID actually get over it. I had to even get counselling as I spent the first two months of the breakup unable to get up off the couch. It took me a lot of convincing by the counsellor that all is fair in love and war and that I was not responsible for her heartache, nor could I help her and it was a simple case of 'that's life'. It was up to HER to get on with her life. Now it's different, she's with someone who she adores and visa versa, they seem very happy (going by her facebook page) and we send the odd (very odd lol) email to each other and she's blissfully happy with her life. That's all I wanted for her so that's good enough for me. I really really feel for you because I thoroughly understand what you're going through. It's quite an isolating feeling where you question what the f*ck is wrong with you. It even used to affect everything else I did, work etc.. Again please don't go by my post if you don't want to. It's just straight away I recognised me in what you had written. But your cirumstances might be different and I'm also sorry if it's not one of the 'nicer' replies. Pm me anytime.
limerickgirl Posts: 10
Thanks for your replies girls. I had a lovely day with him today but the 'nigglies' literally came and went from hour to hour. Hins, thanks very much for your reply also. Have to say it hit me very hard (it completely panicked me actually!) but I need to hear all sides-I know that. U may think Im in denial and maybe i am. I just dont know what to do really. One thing I have to say is that he never ever repulses me. No matter how I am feeling (but especially when Im bad) all I want to do is to hug him and kiss him and smell his lovely smell. Every thing that I find funny/sad//stressful/silly etc every day-I store in my head to tell him when I get home. Since these feelings,we have found ourselves ringing each other 3 and 4 times a day while at work just to chat which we never really did before. But maybe thats wrong too, maybe Im only clinging to him. Just dont know how to sort my feelings. Before our engagement, I would say that about 95% of the time I was very happy. We havent been too hot in the bedroom in the last 2 years or so. That did bother me and made me question myself alright. Once a week ish is all that we were managing. As I said, my fault, but since these feelings have been happening Ive made a bit more 'effort' and we both have been enjoying ourselves and things have improved greatly there! When I am good- I day dream of our wedding, our first dance, our honeymoon, moving house and more than anything- in the future I would love a little baby with him When I am bad- I feel like Im fooling myself, how can I be thinking of these things when I have these doubts, how can I set a date for a wedding when, sometimes, Im not 100% sure. Then I get upset at the thought of not experiencing the above things and I imagine breaking up and I just get so sick at the thoughts
funkychunky Posts: 205
[quote="limerickgirl":3p0dmoru]Thanks for your replies girls. I had a lovely day with him today but the 'nigglies' literally came and went from hour to hour. Hins, thanks very much for your reply also. Have to say it hit me very hard (it completely panicked me actually!) but I need to hear all sides-I know that. U may think Im in denial and maybe i am. I just dont know what to do really. One thing I have to say is that he never ever repulses me. No matter how I am feeling (but especially when Im bad) all I want to do is to hug him and kiss him and smell his lovely smell. Every thing that I find funny/sad//stressful/silly etc every day-I store in my head to tell him when I get home. Since these feelings,we have found ourselves ringing each other 3 and 4 times a day while at work just to chat which we never really did before. But maybe thats wrong too, maybe Im only clinging to him. Just dont know how to sort my feelings. Before our engagement, I would say that about 95% of the time I was very happy. We havent been too hot in the bedroom in the last 2 years or so. That did bother me and made me question myself alright. Once a week ish is all that we were managing. As I said, my fault, but since these feelings have been happening Ive made a bit more 'effort' and we both have been enjoying ourselves and things have improved greatly there! When I am good- I day dream of our wedding, our first dance, our honeymoon, moving house and more than anything- in the future I would love a little baby with him When I am bad- I feel like Im fooling myself, how can I be thinking of these things when I have these doubts, how can I set a date for a wedding when, sometimes, Im not 100% sure. Then I get upset at the thought of not experiencing the above things and I imagine breaking up and I just get so sick at the thoughts[/quote:3p0dmoru] Limerick girl, take the engagement out of the equation altogether... where do you see yourself in say 5 years time? Are you in a lovely house with him and baby? if your answer is yes then i would say its nerves! I had to ask myself the same question not so long ago, broke up with my fella of 8 years and as much as i cared for him, loved being with him, i just wasn't completely in love with him and i felt that we both deserved better. i was panicking about the wedding too, and feeling one minute that he was my soulmate and the next i didn't want to be with him. i was happy enough, we could have stayed together because that was the easy option! i would seriously sit down and think about it long and hard, you said you have been physically sick? Listen to your body, something isn't right and until you figure it out, this is not going to go away. I hope you figure this out, i really do, i really feel for you! x
mini mama Posts: 834
Have to agree with funky chunky....i too had to ask myself this question some time back and ended up breaking up a 9 yr relationship, we had a very affectionate but brother/sister type love ie we both wanted to look out for each other but we really had no real big love or chemistry....we worked so hard to keep things goin but in all honesty we wasted 3 yrs more of our lives trying to fix something which couldnt be fixed....maybe its worth talking to someone as there could be issues that you have to deal with that may be nothing to do with your fiance or then again the anxiety may all be down to settling with one person and wanting to make sure that your 100% sure of him etc....its a hard one but i hope you find your answers :xox
limerickgirl Posts: 10
Thanks again for your replies. Having a really bad day today. So panicked and sitting here crying :o( Know I have a lot of thinking to do...but thats all Ive been doing for months now but it isnt helping. This is so hard. Yes,ive been physically sick about this-I know my body is trying to tell me something. Funnily enough though,I havent been sick about the idea of marrying him-Ive been sick about the idea of having to give him up. I know it would be a massive mistake to marry him and not be sure. I also know it would be a massive mistake to let him go without being sure. I don't want to lose him. I came out of a long relationship some years back because of lack of chemistry and the whole brother/sister type relationship so i know that side of the story only too well. It was so so difficult to end it but i was 100% sure I had made the right decision. This doesnt feel the same but Im petrified of it ending out the same way :o(
Hins Posts: 940
Limerickgirl, my heart goes out to you, it really does... I know that feeling. It's like the thoughts of living without him is killing you. I got that too. But what way can you not live without him? Do you mind me asking, do you feel he just fills something for you? It's a hard thing to ask to yourself but are you in love with him or do you strongly love him? There is a difference.