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should i leave....very long

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milliemac Posts: 4
it is really hard to write this but i am doing it in the hope of getting some objective advice.also in the back of my head i think that if i post this i might read it myself ,as if it were someone elses and it might knock a bit of sense into me.i know that sound stupid but i feel desperate. i am supposed to be getting married in 2 weeks and i am so very unhappy. i am lying to everyone telling them i am just a bit stressed with all the wedding plans.apart from one friend nobody knows there is anything wrong and worryingly i am able to smile all day mostly and cover things up.really i am racked with doubts but the real problem is H2B. I am pretty certain he has a drink problem . we met very young and have been together for 11 years .we have always had a very rocky relationship and when i look back now all the bad memories and all the fighs,of which there are so so many were related to his drinking. for years i have asked him to stop drinking and i have always met with denial on his part.from a very young age he always had a hold over me. even though he is a good person and extremely popular and well liked. even though he has made a few big romantic gestures over the years i have never felt like i am the most important thing to him.we have lived toghether for 6 years now and bought our house last year and things have gotten gradually worse. he is in the army and was away for 3 months last year and while i missed him and worried about him i felt like life was easier. i can honestly say i loved him with all of my heart,but now i dont know how i feel . i have been so hurt,over and over by his drinking. every time i would try forget it and start again he would start drinking again and every time it hurts more because you feel stupid for expecting any different.in a way i think now i am nothing but a big ball of bitterness. i know i nag him alot but all i have to do is come in from work ,and once i see a bottle of wine in the cabinet my mood drops because i know i am in for a night of sugar talk and nonsence.(i should explain that there is very rarely full bottles in the house as he buys them and drinks them on the same day). not to mention not being able to go to bed until he does as he can fall asleep leaving lights ,tv,gas fire etc on. i feel like i would love somone to look ater me instead of me always having to do the looking after.i feel like he is living in his own little world. anyway basically i have given him an ultimatum many times,which i think is a contridiction in terms . but he always promised me he would cop on.although never admitting he has a problem . about 4 months ago things were at rock bottom and i tried to finish it but he convinced me we could sort things out. however since then things have gone right back to the way the were,drinking most nights. i feel like we do not have a relationship anymore.our communication was never great but now it is just fighting. we do not have an intamacy as we are fighting all the time . it has been this way a very long time. i feel like i am in a lose lose situation. i have recently come to terms with the fact that he has a drink problem and i cant help him as he does not want to help himself. if i marry him i am letting myself in for a lifetime of pain. i know that as my life with him so far has been full of pain because of the drinking. i feel in a constant state of panic about marrying him in a couple of weeks. but if i leave him....and i cannot imagine doing that as i can not imagine hurting him,where do i go from there.i dont know if i am strong enuf to cancel a wedding. also i am an only child and i know my parents are obliviosly excited about the wedding and i dont want to embarass them by cancelling it.ialso everyone has outfits got,hotels booked etc.i dont think i am strong enough to leave. but on the other hand i feel so unbelievably drained from the last few years that i dont know if i can take much more.i dont know if i can forgive him much more. he has been barely involved in the plans for wedding but really wants it to go ahead.none of the planning has been enjoyable as it has been tainted by doubts and fighting . the rational part of my brain tells me that if he has not tried to stop drinking before the wedding,even under threat of me leaving, he wont stop once we are married. im sorry this is such a long rant. i just thought someone might have been here or have experience or just advice. i did talk to al non but really as i said he does not seem any where near ready to get help. i feel like i am running out of time thanks for listening
littlemisshopeful Posts: 6101
If you can PM me I will share an experience with you and I hope that can help you make a good decision for you.
anya Posts: 187
Your post is so sad and despairing. I hope you're ok, you sound like you have family and friends who will love support you no matter what. I think you know yourself what the right thing to do is, postponing or cancelling wedding would be preferable to divorce in 6 months in or worse a lifetime married to an a man who cant/wont take responsibility for himself or his actions. Talk to your mum and dad this weekend, talk to your H2B but remember with 2 weeks to the wedding he will promise sun moon and stars, you need more time than that to be sure he means it. Best of luck I will be thinking about you. x :action32
marquise Posts: 595
I agree with Anya. It sounds like you already know what the right thing to do is. Postponing or cancelling the wedding would be better that a divorce down the line or an unhappy life with this man.
happy angel Posts: 928
there is a support group for people who have partners who drink if u ring aa they will give u name and number go with ur head not ur heart i hope u are ok O:o)
joer Posts: 1617
thats really awful to read, you really do sound like you're at your wits end. I would think that to postpone the wedding might be the best thing, I'm sure family and friends will understand, give yourself and h2b some space and let him sit and have a long hard think about where he sees his life going
milliemac Posts: 4
thank you so much for your replies. yeah i absolutely do have brilliant family and friends particularly my best friend and i know whatever decision i make they will support me. its just the thoughts of embrassing my parents by calling it off is a worry. but not the biggest thing. i should have mentioned in my first post that we already postponed the wedding over a year ago for the same reasons. and we are back here now. last time we were due to married in italy and even tho was a few months before wedding we lost alot of money so needed another year to save. we told everyone we postponed it as some family could not travel. i know i am starting to look pathetic now. very aware of how stupid all this sounds!
milliemac Posts: 4
gramurray i have pm'd you
bride. Posts: 3014
postponing or cancelling the wedding would be so awful, it would take every ounce of courage you have but it might just be big and awful enough for him to finally get the message, it would be such a shock to him that it would make him realise how much he is hurting you. It sounds like the half hearted attempts at ending the relationship in the hopes of him getting help are seen for what they are by him, half ar*ed - he knows you don't want to leave and if he says the right things, you'll stay when maybe it is really actions instead of words that you both need. Think it through, you could be in for a lifetime of misery with him, it sounds like you already are and you don't have children yet. Maybe things can still be salvaged if you can be strong enough to really do something about it. If he saw you were serious about putting off the wedding, that might be kick in the ar*e enough for him to consider things more seriously and in the best case scenario you may not even have to go ahead with cancelling or postponing it.
brillbride Posts: 675
xx i