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Missus Lippy Posts: 5879
Only you can decide what you want to do ultimately but from the sound of your post, you already know the answer in your own heart. Also I am sure your parents would not want you to marry this man for the sake of their day out and would be horrified that you would think this as they would surely have your best interests at heart. What happens in a couple of years time if you have a family? Maybe you might be able to cope with his drinking yourself but subjecting a child to everything alcoholism entails is a different thing. I know it would be hard cancelling a wedding but I am sure a friend or close member of the family would help, it probably happens more often with suppliers than any of us know about. As for relations etc., they will get over it but you are what is most important now.
she Posts: 3298
Everyone is giving good advice to you so just want to say good luck with it all and hope it all works out for you, no matter what you decide :wv
Mrs Mia Wallace Posts: 869
Hi Milliemac, Some very good advice from the girls there. As a child of an alcoholic I can tell you that unless he can admit he has a problem things are only going to get worse. My mam stuck with my dad through it all but it was an incredibly difficult life for her. Thankfully he's been sober for over 20 years now but she had to put up with 20 years of drinking before that. I believe she did that because in her time there weren't as many choices for women as there is now. She loved him dearly but knew she couldn't help him so I believe if she had other options she would definitely have left him. You sound like you have great family support, I am sure they would be devestated to hear that you are about to enter a marriage with an alcoholic, much more so than they would be at you cancelling your wedding. You owe it to yourself and your family to at least postpone the wedding until something really changes for your partner. Would you think about printing out your post and showing it to him - it might help him to see things in black and white like that. Your post is very well written and doesn't attack him but it shows how close you are to breaking point. Perhaps if he reads it he might finally get the message. I sincerely wish you the best in all of this and I hope it all works out for you. Mind yourself!
jenny s Posts: 151
My heart goes out to you. I just want to point out that really what is happening here is your inner voice screaming at you to put the brakes on. One of the most important choices we make is our choice in a partner for life. That chioce has an impact on everything regarding your future - the good and the bad. I think you already know what you really want to do honey, be strong xxxx
secondtimearound Posts: 23
Hi Milliemac, This is my first post on this site but when I read your post i could see myself over 20 years ago. I married a man like your OH, i didnt live with him before i married him as it wasnt really done back then in small villages. He was even drunk on the morning of our wedding, unconsious by the middle of the reception. I stayed with him for 18 years, i was 19 when i married him. We had 3 children. Throughout the years i listened to all the excuses and false promises, lost friends, moved house, moved country even, on the back of these empty promises. But it just got worse, there was mental and physical violence and he wore away all my confidence and made me feel worthless and stupid. Like you I look back and any occassion was tinged with bad memories, christenings, first communions etc. Christmas was always a nightmare. Any excuse for drink. In later years I too would return from work to the empty drink cans, it was impossible to keep a drink in the house as it would be drank by him. Over the years i would issue the "final chance", he would leave, then promise to change swear undying love and i would give in, take him back and for a few days or more things would be fine, but about 5 years ago I decided enough was enough My children were also walking on egg shells all the time, afraid to be in the same room as him.And i also discovered he had been sleeping around for ages. Now I have just gotten my divorce after many court dates and a lot of money for a solicitor and a barrister. Please dont go down the same road I went down, I too had a good friend who actually begged me not to marry him at all, how i wish i had listened to her. On a happier note I am now engaged to a wonderful man who is really enjoying been part of all the wedding preparations.
littlemisshopeful Posts: 6101
Delighted for you secondtimearound. I hope you get the happiness you so deserve now.
secondtimearound Posts: 23
Thank you Gramurray for your good wishes. I am very happy now and my children also get on so well with my H2B. The oldest one says he is more of a dad than his "real" dad ever was. I look back though and wonder why i put up with all the heartbreak of my first relationship for so long, I think I was so stupid. And I hate to see anybody else about to make the same mistake I made
littlemisshopeful Posts: 6101
I suppose you have to think on the present now and be more grateful than ever that you and your children have met this man. You will probably love and appreciate him all the more. It must have been awful for your kids to be scared of their own father. My sister was in a similar situation, but they had no kids and the marriage ended after 3 years when he admitted it to everyone. Best of luck to you.
woohoo09 Posts: 630
ya poor poor thing it's easy for us to give advice, it's not so easy for you to make the decision. My friend was in a very similar situation about 6 yrs ago. she knew in her heart that htb had a drink problem, tried to call it off 6 weeks before the wedding. he promised her the earth, she believed him and 2 years later went through a very messy divorce. She now has the added problems of dealing with his inibility to be a good father, explaining to her child why daddy can't make it again this weekend. now, if you ask her, she'll tell you that altough she wouldn't give her child back for anything in the world, she would change her decision to marry him. I came out of an engagement a few years ago (for very different reasons granted) but the world didn't end, people were happy that I was looking out for me, and although my pride was dented, it was the best decision I ever made. I hope you are strong in whatever you decide to do. :thnk
t2c2011 Posts: 180
You asked for advices so here is mine: 1. call off the wedding NOW 2. go to see a counsellor ASAP for YOU not him (he's an adult, he can sort out his own problems) I had a similar experience and spent ages blaming my misery on him. Then I reaslised it was my life, my choices. He hadn't put a gun to my head. So why was I putting meself in such and unhealthy situation? Once I got some of those answers I was able to take my life back and decide what I wanted out of it. I haven't looked back since. If you want to PM me am happy to share my experience further.