I really don't know where to start.....am a regular user on this site, but can't talk to anyone I know right now about whats going on, so have resorted to posting here......
Last week I found out I was six weeks pregnant. It came as a total shock as i'm on the pill, but had messed up my pill accidentally. We are married and in our early thirties. When I told my husband he did not take the news very well - very worried and afraid and lots of 'this can't be happening'. to be fair, so was I initially.
We want children and had a plan to start in two years or so. both of us have very good jobs and work very long hours. We were both aiming to get to a certain stage in our career and financially before starting a family.
I was quite scared and afraid to begin with, but slowly, the idea of a baby is just wonderful to me. Yes i know it's hard work, yes i know that my career will suffer, I know there are a million things ahead which may pose a problem but am willing to go with the flow and see what happens. after all, we're married and love each other and this should be a wonderful surprise that we both get our heads around and then prepare for.
What i have not been prepared for is my husbands talk about 'our options'. I.E: to have this baby or to have a termination. I can't even bring myself to consider a termination. so for me there is only one option, which is to have this child that we have made. I allowed him to rant and rave and get it all out for the first few days thinking he would come around to the idea, but he really isn't! He told me this morning that he can't see any way out other than a termination, as the baby is not in the picture right now and career wise and financially. We're are not loaded, but are doing well in our jobs. So finances....i see this as a weak arguement. With regards to careers, yes, mine will take a slight battering as i work in a very male dominated environment and thats something I'm prepared to consider. But for him....? He is convinced a baby changes your life for the worst - look at all our friends with kids he said - they are all really stressed and anytime we see them they just go on and on about how lucky we are and kids take over your life completely.
I responsed that yes, this is true, but none of our friends who have children would ever change having them - they love them too much! It's just things you say when you have kids and you are talking to your child-less friends who don't understand, isn't it? Because we don't understand nor want to hear the stories of baby johnnys first words or how he did something funny today etc etc - our friends with children save all those stories for their friends with children who understand the joy in all this!
Anyway, i'm rambling now - bottom line is I am heartbroken and can't even speak to my close friends as this is so big..........................what happens when couples are in this situation? Do I stick to my guns and have the baby anyway only to have him resent me in the future? Do I consider a termination and then if i have one, hate my husband for it? (I know in my heart right now that I couldn't terminate my child).
I would really appreciate any help with this please, as I can't talk to anyone about it at all.
Have you ever been in this situation and then had the child and then had your partner regret any of these awful thoughts once he saw his child?
Do you know anyone I could talk to confidentially?
is a website you could look at. It really is a decision only you and your h2b can come to...................to be honest, if you go ahead with the pregnancy I cant see how he would resent you, everything changes once the little baby arrives, he will fall in love with his child.................I really dont know what to advise only talk as much as you can to h2b and tell him how you are feeling, tell him what you said to us here, i hope it all works out ok. Everything happens for a reason.
Thank you both very much.
That website is very helpful.
Feel like I'm completely on my own...I suggested he speak to a male friend with children, but he won't. says that once he speaks to one person who knows us, there is no going back. and a male friend with a child will only see one point of view.
I'm not knocking your advice at all - I so appreciate it. But it helps to talk about it, even if it is on a forum,
happy bride 08
Monika for what it's worth I thought I'd share a friend of mine's story...
She and her (then) boyfriend got pregnant and he insisted she had a termination. Roll on over 10 years and they are now married, and have been TTC for well over 5 years, and are now past their "peak" fertility years - it's not looking great for them apparently, and I know it's a massive strain on their relationship.
Best of luck, I hope you get the support you need whatever happens, but it sounds as if you've made your mind up.
I have the most beautiful precious child of nearly a year old. Thing is I wasnt even sure I wanted a child. I was indifferent to be honest and could have happily gone on the way I was for ever and a day. Having the holidays and the nights out and the nice clothes. And you know I got a huge shock because baby appeared a lot sooner than I expected. It took me and us about three months to settle into the idea. And I didnt have a very nice pregnancy, was very sick and tired and grumpy. And then he appeared and my world transformed. In a moment i became complete as did my husband. Nobody had told me the joy that there would be, they just talked about the hard work and the sacrifices. Believe me you could work in a career ( a high powered high pressure one like the one I was in) and you would never get the wonder that you experience by looking into youre childs eyes. A career is nothing. Within an instant i had given up the hard driven pressurised but very well paid joy and there has never been an instant of regret.
I would be concerned if you went ahead with youre husbands wish in this. I dont think you will forgive him especially as he can and probably will change his mind in a very little time. he is panicking I think. Please dp not llet this decision be determined by fear of loss of what you have now because you gain so much more.
From a Mammy in love
can't read this and not reply.
we were married 4 months when i found out i was pg with DS. it was not in the plan and was a complete surprise for both of us. i remember i took the pg test while Dh was painting our bedroom and was so shocked to see a BFP. i had not told him at all that i suspected i might be pg. so i told him and he did not react well - initially!
he went on (for 2/3days) how it was not in the plan and what would we do about x/y/z that we had planned over the next coming months/year.
now he never suggested that i have a termination but he was not happy. it was only when that weekend when we were supposed to be going to his parents for the weekend and i refused to get in the car that he finally said it was ok.
our DS was born and honestly DH could not adore DS more than he does. we have been ttc #2 for a year now with a m/c in May and DH wants #2 probably more than i do at this stage.
talk to him. properly. tbh if we didn't have DS now that we are having problems ttc #2 things would be a hell of lot harder.
having just read the previous post (after i posted) i completely agree. i was (and still am albeit part-time) in a high powered career. but my focus had totally changed. DH is still in the high-powered career he always was.
best of luck hon
I am very pro choice, I think that a pregnancy will always alter a womans life more than a mans so you do what you feel is right for you. If it was the other way round and the woman wanted a termination and the man didn't I would still side with the woman, it's her choice.
If you want to have this baby then have it, I can't say that your husband will come round because there is a chance the he won't and you need to be prepared for that xx
), dh's reaction was shock, silence, followed by the timing isn't great. But we are both so happy, despite the sleepless nights etc. I am much happier being tired from minding baby than I was from being tired from drinking pints. There is more to life than pubs, money, cars and careers. Give your hubby more time to think about it. When our son was born, we felt like we were falling in love again. Kids bring so much love to everyone
Hope you guys work it out. Would it be any help if you spent some time around some neices/nephews and soaked all the goodstuff in for a while.
I'm telling you now, your hubby will be as proud as punch when he is pushing a buggy around and all his mates are complimenting your beautiful baby. By the way I am totally pro choice as well, but your hubby's reaction reads like blind panic to me, Oh no we are deviating from the plan!!!!!!!!
Breaking the rules makes life interesting, if we didn't do it we would be a boring lot. I work in a high powered/stressed profession where many women put off marriage and kids, or simply don't have the time for marriage and kids until later in life. I think there is a huge amount of disillusionment in my profession, where people give their heart and soul to work and realise in their late 30's what's it all about , oh sh1t I better start a family now. It can be added pressure to leave kids until later in life.
If the bottom line is you guys want kids together at some stage, does it really make such an impact on your lives if it is now or in 2 years time, come on, once you have committed to the idea of kids together, if they come a little earlier then be happy that you have been blessed with fertility. Think of it this way if you start 2 years earlier, you get the kids out of the house 2 years earlier, and you might have more time to spend with your grandkids in your twilight years.
My first pregnancy was a shock (so is second, but at least it was 1/2 planned