think its over, anyone been through this? - Page 2

Speaking as a man- you say you are giving him space- good idea but you end your comment by saying about the house 'I don't want to lose it'- this is fair enough. A break up is bad enough- adding house hunting to the equasion makes it even worse. But the house comment has my mind twitching Please don't think I am criticising you- but I wonder if the house is a factor in all this- I know of a couple who took on too big of a mortgage in an area he did not really want to be in- he reluctantly agreed but quietly resented the overtime he was then obliged to work constantly on a mortgage he thought too big and hated the loss of free time the extra work meant. It does not look like a relationship that will last- especially as she has now decided to give up work. We've all had relationships that did not work out- those times were tough but we managed- albeit with difficulty. In your case- you need to ask the hard questions about if the house is a factor in all this- what if you moved to somewhere with easier repayments? Closer to work (if hours of commuting is involved). Perhaps even the genuine offer to do something would help- as a man I would want my wife-to-be to think of me as the individual she wants to spent her life with- not primarily as someone who is handy for footing the bill. Please, I say again I mean no criticisism but no one can tell from the information that you provided what can help save your relationship- or if indeed it's a relationship that's not meant to be- and if that's the case it may be neither of your fault- it could be something that's ran its course. If so then you should as adults be able to work out a reasonable arrangement, In my opinion, if I was to inititiate the break up- then I should be the one that should leave the house. The financial implications are a worry- these can be sorted out but seeking a reconcilation on the basis of his income is not the way to go- (and I am not suggesting this is the case) To put it simply, can you both forget about the house, think about what you mean to one another. If feelings are gone and there is no possibility of resurrecting them- then you will have plenty of support here in the difficult days and choices ahead. My best regards to you in these difficult times Martin martin@wedding-dvd.ie

Andi.c, I'm so sorry to hear what happened, I'm sure it is a terrible shock to the system especially when you didn't see it coming, I myself was in this situation before where I was going out with my fiance 9 years and only 7 months to go to our wedding and out of the blue he finishes it, we had a house and a daughter together, it was devastating, I had to move out of the house with our daughter and he continued to live in the house, he pushed after a year to sell and well he got the bigger percentage of the profit (long story). I couldn't comprehend what had happened and was trying to think of had I done something etc and blaming myself but in time I came to terms with it and slowly built my confidence back up. It turns out he got cold feet and wanted the best of both worlds, for me & my daughter to move back in with my mam, him to move in with his friends and maybe we could start dating again, eh no, I had enough power by then to say no, I did not want to be treated like this, I deserved better, who was to say it wouldn't happen again and from the outcome of my life, I couldn't be happier and in fact, thanked him (which he as not happy at all with!!), as you can see from my ticker, I have someone now who I could never have dreamed of. Now its my ex who ponders what did he do? You are doing the right thing by giving him space but you do need to try and talk to him, find out why, what are his reasons, is it financial pressure, just wants to be one of the lads again? You might be able to work through this. Keep the chin up, it will be hard, I'm not going to lie to you about that but in time if you can't work it out, trust me, things will get better even if it doesn't look like that now.

AndiC, I'm so sorry to hear your news. It must be such a shock and a blow to you. All I can say is that you need to talk to him about his reasons for ending the relationship. If, as wedding-dvd said, it's because of financial/employment strain surrounding your house, this IS surmountable, it's a tangible problem that can be remedied, with work and time. However, if it's a more basic case of just not wanting to go ahead with it, you deserve to know why he feels this way and he should know how you feel about this. If the relationship is not going to work, you can be thankful that the break up is now, when you both have your lives ahead of you and you can rebuild your confidence and meet new people. For a couple to divorce in their 50's would be far tougher to deal with - quite like bereavement, I've heard, and from what you've said, you haven't any children, which is one less thing to worry about. I know it's not much comfort now, and it will be a tough time, but it could be a lot worse. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I really really believe that every cloud has a silver lining. I've never been in a situation like this, so anything I say is from the heart rather than the head. I just hope you can maintain your dignity throughout this, and that, whatever the outcome, you'll be a stronger and wiser woman. Best of Luck.

AndiC, so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. I hope you don't take offense, but how did you learn your h2b wanted to end your relationship? Your first post made it sound like you were just "informed" and that the two of you didn't talk or haven't talked about it in depth. I agree with architec. Before you both throw in the towel, you need to get to the bottom of why your h2b wants to go separate ways. There may be a way out of this, but if not, at least you will know why. I've seen your posts on your pup, Cooper. He's such a doll! Hope he and your friends/family will provide you with much love as you find your way through this. If you need more support, don't hesitate to post here. Lots of people are feeling for you. Take care. Livadia

Hi Andi C - can't really add to any of the good advice already said, but wanted to echo it and reiterate that if you need some annoymous chat/views/support then we are all here for you. I hope you get some more answers so you can plan your future, with or without him.

oh you poor thing - a friend of mine is going through something similiar - together 9 years and on new years day he told her he didnt love her anymore - no reason just didnt!! she was in bits but is keeping her chin up and trying to re-evaluate her future without him in it!

Im so sorry space is deff the thing maybe after a few months he will realise what is right.

[quote="wedding-dvd":3oh3pz7q]Speaking as a man- you say you are giving him space- good idea but you end your comment by saying about the house 'I don't want to lose it'- this is fair enough. A break up is bad enough- adding house hunting to the equasion makes it even worse. But the house comment has my mind twitching Please don't think I am criticising you- but I wonder if the house is a factor in all this- I know of a couple who took on too big of a mortgage in an area he did not really want to be in- he reluctantly agreed but quietly resented the overtime he was then obliged to work constantly on a mortgage he thought too big and hated the loss of free time the extra work meant. It does not look like a relationship that will last- especially as she has now decided to give up work. We've all had relationships that did not work out- those times were tough but we managed- albeit with difficulty. In your case- you need to ask the hard questions about if the house is a factor in all this- what if you moved to somewhere with easier repayments? Closer to work (if hours of commuting is involved). Perhaps even the genuine offer to do something would help- as a man I would want my wife-to-be to think of me as the individual she wants to spent her life with- not primarily as someone who is handy for footing the bill. Please, I say again I mean no criticisism but no one can tell from the information that you provided what can help save your relationship- or if indeed it's a relationship that's not meant to be- and if that's the case it may be neither of your fault- it could be something that's ran its course. If so then you should as adults be able to work out a reasonable arrangement, In my opinion, if I was to inititiate the break up- then I should be the one that should leave the house. The financial implications are a worry- these can be sorted out but seeking a reconcilation on the basis of his income is not the way to go- (and I am not suggesting this is the case) To put it simply, can you both forget about the house, think about what you mean to one another. If feelings are gone and there is no possibility of resurrecting them- then you will have plenty of support here in the difficult days and choices ahead. My best regards to you in these difficult times Martin martin@wedding-dvd.ie[/quote:3oh3pz7q] I had similar thoughts - Andi, if you want this to work you need to talk to him. And before you do that you have to decide on your priorities. If your house is more important to you than your man - so be it. You must then try to find a way to hang on to it. (There is a legend about a castle in the midlands, that Cromwell captured the owner outside the gates and sent a message to his wife that she must surrender it or her husband would hang in the morning. Her reply: a husband is easily obtained, a castle is much more difficult, hang away!) However, if your fiance is the most important to you, then you have to be willing to let the house go. For what is worth, my DH and I are living in rented accomodation just now and it is great, we are very happy. With house prices being the way they are right now, we could never afford to buy anywhere in our ideal location that exactly suits our needs, without sacrificing too much of our freedom. We hope that we will one day buy a place of our own but if it doesn't happen it won't be a tragedy and we will always have each other. We used to live in what we thought was our ideal home, a big detached house. It suited my DH down to the ground, he loved it. But I could never seem to settle in that area, never warmed to the house and was really just not happy while we lived there. So we moved to the rented flat we live in now and though my DH misses having the space, he has no regrets!

Hi Andi, I've been through something similar, my h2b and I have a child and are together nearly 7 years but 2 years ago he told me he wasn't happy anymore and wanted to end it, I was heartbroken to say the least, couldn't eat or sleep. I gave him some space, he still seen our daughter but we didn't talk to each other. After nearly 2 weeks we got talking, turned out he didn't want to finish it, he was under alot of finical strain and felt that because we were both working so much we neglected our relationship and he was feeling like I didn't care about it anymore. I couldn't believe it, we had a really big open talk and it did our relationship the world of good, we're stronger than ever now, so I think like the other posters have said that you should have a talk with him to see if it can be sorted out. C if there is anything that yous could both do to improve your relationship. I hope everything works out chick xx

Hi thanks for all the replies. It is def over. he says his feelings wont change and he knows even with space they wont. we hope to remain friends but how easy that will be is another thing. the reason i said i wanted to keep the house is that i know its over, and selling the house wont change anything between us in the relationship. so at all costs if i can afford to keep the house i will as i will find it hard to get another mortgage by myself and the way prices are at the mo we would be lucky to make any profit. would prob owe the bank money. im not doing too bad. Some days are hard when i start thinking of stuff. thanks again for the advice and it was ncie to see diff peoples views on it.