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sweet cheeks Posts: 1119
No way are you been unreasonable. He earns more money than you, you are struggling to pay all the bills - so as your future husband should pay as much as he can afford every week to help you. This what people either married or getting married do, they help & support eachother. If i needed my h2b to help me with something like a payment and he wouldnt help me now, I wouldn't be too pleased and it would make me think in 5 or 10 years time what would it be like if a bigger mortgage, children, car loans were in the equation.
I-dunno Posts: 20
[quote="nelly":3drxmoh6][quote="Shala":3drxmoh6][quote="nelly":3drxmoh6] Put your feet in his shoes and hear the words "gold-digga" loudly ring in your ears.... [/quote:3drxmoh6] Surely if she was a gold-digger, her h2b would have copped this within the 1st year of their relationship, not 7 years later! [size=59:3drxmoh6]Edited for spelling[/size:3drxmoh6][/quote:3drxmoh6] Maybe, maybe not the whole language of the post is fighting talk and quite demanding IMO. I mean "pinned him down"?? wtf maybe this guy was henpecked and the whole " I sacrificed so much for him" yet not recognising when he tried to do something her response was that she never asked him to is just stunning.[/quote:3drxmoh6] It's not demanding you have to remember we both agreed that we needed to talk and he had stuff to air and so did I. He's more demanding than I am I'm quite laid back and easy going but he wants things just so and is very verbal about it I've agreed to do things to please him and we've both agreed that if I do that and he does things for me there'll be no resentment, I'm doing my bit where that's concerned I'm just fed up waiting for him to do his so maybe that's why it sounds like "fighting talk". He's far from henpecked believe me. His throwing every little thing he's ever done for me back in my face is stunning. I don't do it to him, I don't expect it done to me. Goldyp I read your post and I can relate to you a lot too, hope it works out for you also :thnk
I-dunno Posts: 20
[quote="sweet cheeks":35deqls0]No way are you been unreasonable. He earns more money than you, you are struggling to pay all the bills - so as your future husband should pay as much as he can afford every week to help you. This what people either married or getting married do, they help & support eachother. If i needed my h2b to help me with something like a payment and he wouldnt help me now, I wouldn't be too pleased and it would make me think in 5 or 10 years time what would it be like if a bigger mortgage, children, car loans were in the equation.[/quote:35deqls0] Well you hit the nail on the head there Sweetcheeks, I AM worried about 5 or 10 years down the line when we're married I can't see him changing his attitude and what if I'm in a vulnerable situation i.e. have a baby need money and have to ask him, he controls the purse strings etc. It's not something I can see myself doing. As far as I'm concerned no matter what level both partners are on you pool all your resources together to get to where you need to be, you help each other out and you don't count the cost and that's that. I feel like telling him to go get himself a girl who earns the same money as him. He asked me how much I have each month and when I did the same to him he told me it was none of my business, I think that says it all really :-( It's more than the money too, it's how much he's prepared to put himself out for me. It's where I am on his list of priorities. I feel like he's protecting himself from me and that he doesn't thing the relationship will work out so if he only invests 50:50 then he can walk away whereas I was in it for the long haul and prepared to compromised myself for him to make it work.
blissful2b Posts: 1555
i think you went about it in the wrong way. for you to work out a budget and then sit him down and say hey do you mind paying 60% of all this.... oh course he'd blow a gasket!! perhaps you should have sat down and built the budget out together and let him realise how much disposable income you have. then he may 'offer' to pay the 60% that you want. some couples pay the 60/40 thing but alot keep it to 50/50 (especially when they don't have kids i take it from your post that the child is not his?would there be a possibility that he feels he'd be paying for a child thats not his? you mentioned he used to pay you a 'wage'...what does that mean exactly?were you working? or were you at home and he was giving you money? also if he books a holiday and pays for the flights and you don't have spending money then refuse the holiday and don't use your credit card if you're going to have difficulty paying it off. you're only getting yourself into financial difficulty.
I-dunno Posts: 20
[quote="appeltizer":2yzucodc]i think you went about it in the wrong way. for you to work out a budget and then sit him down and say hey do you mind paying 60% of all this.... oh course he'd blow a gasket!! perhaps you should have sat down and built the budget out together and let him realise how much disposable income you have. then he may 'offer' to pay the 60% that you want. some couples pay the 60/40 thing but alot keep it to 50/50 (especially when they don't have kids i take it from your post that the child is not his?would there be a possibility that he feels he'd be paying for a child thats not his? you mentioned he used to pay you a 'wage'...what does that mean exactly?were you working? or were you at home and he was giving you money? also if he books a holiday and pays for the flights and you don't have spending money then refuse the holiday and don't use your credit card if you're going to have difficulty paying it off. you're only getting yourself into financial difficulty.[/quote:2yzucodc] I don't think so, just to clarify he asked me to do up the budget and we'd sit down and talk about it so that's what I did. Why should I wait for him to offer? if I did that I'd be left waiting. I was upfront with him and told him from my point of view how I saw things he could have given me his and then we could have reached a compromise but he dug the heels in and refused to compromise and this was what we agreed to do from now on when we had our chat the previous night. No my child is not his and there's no chance of him feeling resentment since he has a child from a previous relationship that I help him with too. I say "wage" cos that's what he used to call it. Yes I work and have a full time wage, have got and am still trying to get as far as I can with that in order to help myself out
Gilla Posts: 70
I dunno, I just read through your post and tbh the girls had the same answers as me! I just hope ye sort it out coz imo I think 60:40 is quiet fair in your circumstances especially given the lenght of time you are with your partner! Best of luck with it!
sinion Posts: 6050
that would have alarm bells ringing for me. As far as I'm concerned once you decided to get married and become a partnership there should be no need for 50:50 or 60:40, it's all in together. I'd be worried too about years down the line having to ask him for money and him begrudging giving it to you. My husband and I share everything, I pay all the rent and he pays the bills and they we live off his money for the rest of the month. He makes more than me so it just makes sense. Neither of us would ever dream of holding back or expecting one or the other to suffer, it's us together in every way. Just to add we both have separate accounts so are still independent of eachother in that sense, but it's all shared.
Curly Miss Posts: 473
[quote="I-dunno":2t2odo8r] He asked me how much I have each month and when I did the same to him he told me it was none of my business, I think that says it all really :-( [/quote:2t2odo8r] Yes, I think it does. I would be the same as Sinion, we share everything, it's all "our" money rather than his or mine. It doesn't matter whether a couple split everything 50:50 or 90:10, what matters is that both partners contribute fairly and are happy. TBH, I think you might need another session with your relationship counsellor to sort out this issue. For instance, what happens after you're married if you go on maternity leave and have no money coming in?
sucabo Posts: 324
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I think it's a very serious issue. As Curly Miss said what happens if you get pregnant and are on maternity leave. Are you still expected to contribute 50:50 or can you be sure of his support. We have a joint account to pay for the mortgage, bills, shopping etc and we contribute to it in proportion to our wages every month. I only work part time and OH thankfully has a well paid job. I earn about 1/4 of his wages so he puts in 75% of our monthly budget and I put in the rest. It leaves us both with our own spending money but if either of us is stuck at any stage then we have no problem helping each other out. I do not see any problem with OH contributing more than me as he earns more than me.
blissful2b Posts: 1555
hmmm, it's clear he sees his money as his and is not willign to help you out. i guess you need to think about whether he's the type of guy you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child and any future children you may have. does he earn much more than you?