The way our relationship works is that we both get paid into the same account - we have another joint account that all our bills/mortgages come out of - on pay day we have a standing order to transfer money from joint pay account into joint bill account. Anything left in the pay account then is used for shopping and living. If I have something on and need the money in that account I use it and the same works for my H2B. So our money is really our money and if we have a cash flow problem it's our problem.
IMO for a relationship to work long term with no resentment over money then money needs to be pooled. Otherwise it is like the other person is always helping out the person on less money - and it shouldn't be like that.
Maybe he just reacted so badly because he wasn't expecting the 60:40 thing in the budget. Sit down with him again and work from the perspective of this is everything we have to pay out each month - then show how if you pay 50:50 how little money you have left. If he still kicks up a fuss then he is being unreasonable because there is no way you should see someone you love left with very little money while you have a surplus.
You really need to sit down and speak with him, explain to him that he cannot be throwing back presents in your face - it's just not fair. And that if you's are going to move forward together you's need to work together - working separately with money just doesn't work long term (IMO).
BTW I earn the higher wage in our household.
[quote="Shala":24gz9wmk]If he earns much more than you, then he should pay a little bit more. In a committed relationship, I don't think money should be an issue at all (Unless someone is a shopaholic or gambler).
My h2b pays the mortgage and I pay all the bills and get the food in. It works out that he pays more - but he earns more too. He looks after his own credit card and I look after mine. At then end of the day, you should be working together. After years of living together, surely all those money issues such as who pays what should be ironed out by now.
[b:24gz9wmk]Sounds like your h2b is using this as an excuse TBH[/b:24gz9wmk].[/quote:24gz9wmk]
Exactly, I think he's likes having his cake and eating it!!!!!
He said last night that he believes most couples do the 50:50 thing that one of his friends who has a house and a baby with his girlfriend do it but they earn around the same money, a quick check around my friends told me that they don't do 50:50, whatever they have is both of theirs, so I know I'm not going mad. I'm only sorry that I didn't ask if his mother & father did 50:50 and how he survived out of that
He's so bloody pigheaded, I haven't heard a thing from him yet and I really don't want to get into the whole having no contact for days cos either one of us won't give in. It's just that I'm so annoyed with him and the fact that he believes 100% that he's in the right and there's not an inch of space for the compromise I need from him. You're right, he does see his money as his own, he goes on about how hard he works and he does work long hours and weird shifts but I don't sit on my arse all day I work too, (I work part-time but have a full time wage) and look after my child and just cos it's not fulltime hours and manual graft like him he thinks little of me for it.
I reckon that if I had a baby he wouldn't see that as hard work and would expect me to go out and work on my maternity leave, he wouldn't support me. I'm so afraid of a future with him when he won't listen & try to understand me. These are the things I wanted ironed out from the start but we kept putting it off.
I really don't know what to do, I've given his ring back so I can assume the engagement is off. Although I only did it cos he was cribbing about the money he spent on it and he really shouldn't do that, I'm fed up of him throwing every single little thing he does in my face, he brings up everything he has done for me from the first time we got together, it's unbelieveable.
Sorry I'm still venting!
Edited to add: He earns a good 3 times more than me, not sure of the exact figure but by his own admission he's on a good wage and fair play he works hard but so do I and he's still prepared to let me struggle
Thanks girls for all your replies, it means a lot
Hi, I couldnt read this and not put my penny in. I think he sounds mean. My fiance and I are together 3 years and I have a child by a previous marriage. When we started living together 2.5 years ago I earned 4 times what he did and what we did was to arrange a standing order for approx 2/3 of each salary to go into a joint account for rent (which is now mortgage as we bought a house last year). This meant we each paid the same PROPORTION as each other and each had personal spending money. However I gave up work recently to go back to College in Sept full time for year and hes now the main provider and provides for my child and I. No questions asked, and its 'all the money in a pot' really. When I come out of college with a higher qualification I'll probably have the higher salary by a long shot but if I dont, I dont think there would be a problem so long as we could pay our way. Maybe I'm very lucky but I dont think your fella appreciates how difficult it is being a single parent and being difficult about money is stress you dont need. Best of luck.
I feel sorry for you, its an awful situation to be in. My own experience is that from the time we first got together, he never had any problem putting his hand in his pocket. He was and still is very generous thankfully, not just with me but buys rounds of drinks when we're out etc.
YOur guy doesn't sound like he is 100% invested in your relationship. Saying he loves you and asking you to marry him is in the end just words if he doesn't back it up by showing and making you his priority. Saying you HAVE to go 50;50 doesn't say commitment to me or that he is making you his priority. I would get out and stay out I'm afraid. You should be cherished by your DH, that your happiness is the most important thing. And if he's prepared to make you unhappy, by insisting on this, then he's not the right one for you IMO.
Sorry chick, hope you can work it all out.
Mrs Mia Wallace
Just wanted to say I felt very weary reading your post. Should a relationship be this difficult? IMO a relationship of this length should be about sharing your lives together and that includes everything. Money, love, happiness, sadness, experiences, growth. I'm with H2B nearly ten years and for all this time I have been the higher wage earner but it wouldn't even occur to me not to share everything with him. Whats mine is his and vice versa. We both make huge contributions to the relationship which cannot be measured and the thoughts of squabbling over money makes me feel ill. From what I have seen from friends relationships etc when you start arguing over who's paying for what it's usually a sign that one person is feeling 'short-changed' somewhere else in the relationship. I hope you both can come to some sort of unity on this as at the moment you seem to be worlds apart.
Best of luck with it all!