It’s the funniest thing, if you think about it. A wedding is technically for the family – or rather, to bring two families together. Your parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles are usually the first people to make it onto the guest list, followed by friends. And yet… family can also be the biggest source of wedding planning stress and problems. In fact, many brides at one point or another will just want to drop everything and run away to elope. Why is that? And how do you deal with family without going crazy?
Humour will save you
Nope, there’s absolutely nothing funny about people piling on the pressure with things that aren’t your problem.
Examples: if you invite this person, I won’t come. You booked your wedding too close to mine, how very dare you. What do you mean kids aren’t invited, when we have three and nobody to babysit them.
And on and on, like that.
People are asking you to do things which, in one way or another, will require changing your wedding. Sometimes, it’ll even cost you more money. This isn’t ok. It’s your wedding.
We know this is hard, but to deal with family you must be firm. To the person who’s not coming, say ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but I won’t be picking between the two of you. I’ll send you an invitation and it’s up to you whether you attend or not. I want you to be there.’
Weddings booked too close… what do they expect you to do, reschedule? Come on. They’re only saying this because they’re afraid of comparisons between the two weddings. Smile and say ‘I’m sorry, but that’s the date that worked best for me and my fiancé. I promise I’ll cancel Ed Sheeran’s performance I booked for mine, mmkay?’
People with kids – they’re getting minimum 6 weeks notice about the wedding, that’s enough time to arrange for someone to watch them. Say, ‘I’m sorry, we’ve decided to have an adults-only wedding, and we’re not sure the venue is kid-friendly. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them!’
Once you give your firm answer, go home, pour a glass of wine, and have a freestyle ‘what are people like’ rant. Then put on a good comedy and unwind.
Photo from Niamh & Jason’s real wedding by Emma Russell Photography
Get them to give you the answer
This piece of wisdom works for every person who faces complaints. Hey, it even works at work, so if you want to use it go right ahead! Bosses, parents, teachers and brides all have to put up with complaints of one kind or another. When you’re planning a wedding and have to deal with family, it’s bloomin’ infuriating – why do they do it, when all they have to do is show up and enjoy themselves?
The answer – if you come to me with a complaint, come with a solution.
That’s it, that’s the answer. Whatever complaint people throw at you, ask them ‘how do you suggest I fix this?’ To be sure, you’ll get some ridiculous suggestions – feel free to say no! Say no until they tell you something reasonable you can actually work with. Until then, no – it’s your day, and you have the final say.
Be more assertive
Ok, not all of us were born assertive, or direct, or unafraid to defend our opinions. Plus, there’s the family thing – we care about them, so we’re more willing to bend to what they’re asking for. It’s natural and normal, but it also leads to problems when parents get a little bit too involved in the wedding and start driving you crazy.
To be more assertive simply means to stick to your original opinions and not budge. That’s all. You don’t have to argue or explain yourself. Just stick to your original plans. If you’re sure what you’re doing is right, simply keep saying ‘no, this is what we’ve decided.’ Give it long enough, and they’ll stop asking.
Once your wedding day is a blissful memory, you’ll be glad you stuck to your guns.
Photo from Georgina and Joshua’s real wedding by Yes I Du Wedding Agency Dubrovnik
Ask in advance
Many potential wedding problems can be solved if only you asked people in advance. Example – divorced parents who are uneasy around each other (especially if they have new spouses). Solution – don’t automatically put them at separate tables, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Ask them – ‘mam, dad, how would you feel most comfortable at the wedding? Would you like to sit at tables close by, or far away?’ Done – get them to tell you, no crossing fingers required. At the ceremony, sit the parent you’re closer to in the first row at one end, and the other parent in the second row at the other end.
Example – parents offer to pay an attractive amount of cash towards the wedding. Of course you want to say yes… but you worry they’re going to treat your acceptance as permission to meddle in the planning. So ask in advance – ‘if I accept this gift, does this mean you’ll want to be involved in the planning, or are we free to go ahead however we like?’ You’ll know how to proceed depending on the answer.
Example – chief bridesmaid (or any other bridesmaid) suddenly loses interest in the wedding. She stops replying to emails, doesn’t get involved in discussions anymore, and doesn’t come to get togethers. Don’t sit around wondering what’s going on, or waiting for it to sort itself out – ask as soon as you notice something is off! Say ‘hey, I noticed you’re not yourself lately, everything alright? Is helping me with the wedding too much on top of everything else you’ve got on? Wanna talk?’ You’ll most likely find it’s just a temporary blip.
Photo by McCoy Made Photography via Rustic Wedding Chic
The future in-laws
Everything we’ve said above applies not just to yours, but to both families. It’s true, sometimes the in-laws-to-be also try to get the couple to change their minds or plans. That’s new drama you shouldn’t be dealing with, so a bit of clever diplomacy is key. First, remember – you don’t want things to get off to a bad start before you’re even married. It would affect things between you and your other half the way dealing with your own family doesn’t. It’s worth keeping things tactful for the sake of peace. And second – if they simply won’t let go of a matter you don’t want to change, or can’t change, arguing won’t help. Instead, get them involved in a different area where you’ll actually welcome their help and opinions. This could be anything – maybe making a layer for the cake, or taking care of the guest-list for their side of the family?
In-laws are sometimes unreasonable simply because they wish they had more involvement in the wedding. It’s worth remembering the wedding is a big important occasion to them too, and they likely don’t want to be sidelined. On your wedding day, remember to say a few warm words about them publicly, perhaps in your speech. They’ll really appreciate it.
When things get tough and emotional and you wish you’d just eloped, remember this – weddings are such weird things. They’re one of life’s best celebrations, but with the biggest emotional baggage. If you tell yourself ahead of time ‘I expect someone in mine or my other half’s family to put some pressure on us sooner or later’, then you won’t be surprised when it happens. Weddings make people act strange in ways you’ve never seen before, and afterwards, everything usually goes back to normal. It may be a bit stressful on the lead up but just remember why you’re doing all of this in the first place – it’s about you and your soon to be hubby or wife!
Main photo via weddingsonline