Image from Caitriona & Alan’s real wedding by Claire Durkin Photography
How many of you are, right now, agonising over the decision whether or not to have kids at your wedding? Rest assured, very few brides and grooms find this an easy decision – the rest of us are left to ponder, wonder and mull over this very tender topic.
We’re here to help you make this decision – there are a few things to consider, and things can get a bit emotional. So, sit back, relax, maybe even make a cuppa – here’s some good straight-up advice on how to deal, how to decide, and what to do afterwards.
Why is having or not having children at a wedding such a difficult decision?
To put it simply – because it’s a love thing. They’re your nieces, cousins, or godchildren. Or, they’re the offspring of your close friends. So when you’re thinking about not inviting them, you fear you may offend someone. You worry you may give an impression that you don’t trust the kid to behave – or the parents to keep an eye on him. You think you’re causing people inconvenience of arranging babysitting for the evening. Or, you may think if one of your closest friends finds out she can’t bring her daughter, she may say she’s not coming at all. All these – and many more – are very valid reasons, and if these are on your mind, they show one thing – you care.
You must understand that the reality looks a bit different. First, you are giving your guests weeks, if not months, of notice – so they have plenty of time to make babysitting arrangements. Second, this is your wedding, your only one – you shouldn’t spend it worrying about kids misbehaving. Third, not inviting kids to a wedding is no longer socially unacceptable – nowadays, it’s perfectly okay to have an adults-only celebration.
How about this – if you feel comfortable enough with someone to invite them to your wedding, you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable telling them their kids aren’t invited.
Image from Niamh & Peter’s real wedding by Circus Photography
Things to consider regarding children at weddings
Cost – This is a single most influential factor in deciding whether to invite kids or not. If you’re inviting your aunt and uncle, and they have two kids, suddenly two people become four.
What to do: Call your venue and ask about their policy on kids’ wedding meals. Are there free meals up to a certain age? Are there kids’ meals with smaller portions at a reduced price? What is the age cut-off where they start charging full price for the meal? If someone comes with a newborn baby, is there a charge if they have a snack?
Can you afford to feed the kids at the wedding – yes or no?
Safety – In the middle of a party, it may be hard to keep an eye on lively little ones, so it’s most important to consider whether the venue is appropriate for them.
Is the space safe for children? Are there lots of stairs to fall down, or ponds or swimming pools? Is there a quiet room where kids can get away from the noise? Does the venue’s location allow for strangers to wander in? Remember that the parents are there to enjoy the wedding too, and it’s a different environment than their own home.
Is the venue safe for children – yes or no?
Wedding Nanny – Would you consider hiring one?
Again, there’s the cost to consider – call a few wedding nannies and find out how much they charge. Does the venue have an appropriate room where the kids can be occupied and entertained, equipped with a DVD player and perhaps some soft toys, and where snacks could be served? Avoid asking a guest at your wedding, or the oldest child, to be the child-minder – it’s not polite to expect someone to look after the kids when they’ve come to enjoy your wedding. Also, the babysitter will probably require a meal too, especially if it’s a long shift.
Can you afford a wedding nanny and are there appropriate facilities – yes or no?
Goodie Bags – you may not have favours, but goodie bags are pretty much expected, with the added benefit of keeping the kids occupied if you include crayons, colouring books, small toys, puzzles etc.
Make a preliminary count of the kids who may attend. That’s how many goodie bags you’ll need. Five? No problem. Twenty seven? Aha. Then there are their ages to consider. A little girl may be happy to colour the hours away, but an 11-year-old boy probably won’t be interested in colouring.
Can you provide age-appropriate goodie bags for all the kids – yes or no?
If you’ve pondered these and decided that yes, indeed, all those things are indeed doable, and you want the little people to share your special day, it’s a no-brainer!
If, however you’ve found that you’ve answered ‘no’ to a few of those questions, you may decide not to proceed. What to do next?
How to say ‘no kids’ on wedding invitations
Make it clear on the invitations, save-the-dates, and on your wedding blog, website, Facebook etc, that your wedding is for adults only. This is perfectly acceptable and not in any way an offence to etiquette. Phrase it appropriately on the stationery, but everywhere else you can be more casual.
Some of the most often used invitation wording includes:
Adults-only celebration.
Adults only please.
Adult reception to follow at…
Adding this phrase on your invitations should be enough – but if you worry it isn’t, you can take it one step further and list the guests’ full names on the RSVP cards, with a space for a tick next to each name. This way, they’ll see exactly who’s invited and that there are no other options to tick.
Another suggestion is to use a phrase “We’ve reserved _ places for you at our wedding reception” – however, this does leave some room for interpretation.
Also, be sure to address the invitations to the parents as “Mr and Mrs So-and-So”, and not “Mr So-and-So and Family” – or they may think it means the entire family.
Image from Caitriona & Alan’s real wedding by Claire Durkin Photography
How to tell people it’s an adults-only wedding
Many couples – and indeed, wedding etiquette experts – advise that it’s best to personally tell all the invited parents that the wedding is an adults-only affair. They say that not only is it more polite, but also leaves absolutely no doubt in anyone’s mind, and no surprises when the invitations arrive.
We say – while it’s a good idea, many brides/grooms would find it terribly awkward, because it may feel like you’re calling people to tell them something they may not be happy to hear, along the lines of “your child is not welcome”. So how do you deal with this?
First of all, how many people are you calling? It’s okay to make, say, ten phone calls. Once it starts going into dozens, it’s too much. But it has to be all or none.
Secondly, there isn’t any rule anywhere that says it has to be you. So if you don’t want to, don’t do it. Ask your other half to make that call, or your mum.
Thirdly, whoever is making the call, make sure they give a clear reason for not having children. These can be: space restrictions, venue restrictions or unsafe venue for instance.
Fourthly, be prepared to be asked if other people’s kids are invited. The answer should always be ‘No’ unless of course they’re your own children or your nephews and nieces for instance, if you want those closest to you there. There is no polite way to get around asking some kids, but not others.
Child-free ceremonies vs receptions
It’s often suggested that one way to address the issue of not inviting children is to allow them to come to the ceremony, but not the reception. At first glance, it seems to be a reasonable option, to appease both the parents and to let the children witness the most important part of your special day. But, before you go ahead and tell everyone to bring the kiddies, consider a few practical issues.
If the parents are invited to both the ceremony and the reception, they’ll need to take the children home in between. If they live any distance away, this may take awhile, and they may miss the photos, the cocktails, or even the entire start of the reception. Or, they’ll need to arrange for someone to come and pick up the kids, which isn’t always easy. If they live far away from your wedding, this may be downright impossible.
The ceremony is the one part of your wedding where good behaviour really matters. Kids can get away with noise and general merriment at the reception far easier than at the ceremony. It can be quite taxing on the little ones to have to sit still for a lengthy period of time, and when they’re very young, they won’t understand what’s happening around them. And if they start crying, and their parents take them outside, they’ll miss your ‘I do’s’.
As you can see, there is much to consider where children are concerned – but do always keep in mind that it’s your wedding, and you should only do what you think is right, and what your other half agrees with!
Chat with other brides and grooms in the weddingsonline forums about this topic!
