I understand your just venting your frustration. and it must drive you mad for him to get so upset everytime you have a disagreement, but he is who he is. Im sure he's not doing it deliberately, he cant help it.
As you say you have recognised the problem and know what you have to do to improve it so best of luck
Hi PinkSphinks, we have a similar problem, which was especially difficult in our first year together, but the opposite way around. I would get upset and he would get annoyed/angry. I would feel insecure that things were more serious than they were and it led to me being more upset than I needed to be.
He now knows what a softie I am and how I take things to heart so he always cuddles me or something after he vents just so I know that its not a big deal, just an argument that happens in all healthy relationships. I in turn have tried to be less sensitive and be more rational, still working on that though
eventually just went to sleep so he could calm down whether he wanted to or not.
The next morning with alot of carefully chosen words we finally got to the bottom of something we hadn't realised ..... we argue very differently... He HAS TO WIN the argument... I want to SORT OUT the problem. If he's wrong he feels like he has lost, while if I'm wrong, I am pretty happy to go along with whatever we decided as no biggie I was Wrong.
He couldn't believe me that that is how I see it. Eventually, I described it as Haggeling... I say something is worth so much ... the seller says no, it's worth so much and eventually we meet somewhere in the middle where both are happy... deal done no one loses in a sale.
If something can't be agreed on we agree to differ ... no deal. At this point you have to buy a different product or service that you need... hopefully without it costing you so much.
The reason he couldn't believe me was that forever, for him, an argument was always about winning...and lately he was "always loosing" (his words) and thus began resenting me if he felt I won an argument, and here was I in my oblivion thinking things were sorted, but instead left him feeling pretty crap.
It's early days yet but seems to have really perked him up. Sorry very long winded.
Another thing to discuss how did, and do, both your parents argue? and your brothers and sisters... and how did you argue with them ... how did you both feel you argued when you were young? You would be surprised at the answers.
Best of luck and enjoy. It's kinda refreshing to know we still have alot to learn with each other.
We've been together 7 years now and living together all that time, have kids and all ... getting married next year, but don't argue more than adverage....
I, like you, see an argument as just a small disagreement, something that has cropped up and needs to be sorted. Last Friday night we had an unmerciful fight him shouting me crying and begging him just to calm down ...
I think what you are saying is a relevent issue in most relationships. I feel faulty communication is at the heart of most arguments and the reason for most relationship problems.
The book The Five Love Languages, has really helped me understand the people I love and myself (so much so I wrote a review about it in the last magazine!). Basically it says that everyone has one of five love languages (which are words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service and quality time) and when our partner doesn't show us our love language we begin to think they don't love us- when really they could be showing their love in another way, or visa versa.
In arguments basically the book says you have the opposite effect. So if your love language is words of affirmation and your partners is quality time and he says something off handedly mean in the heat of the moment, it will be a huge deal to you, but not to him. Where as if you were to say something mean to him it would not be as hurtful as you ignoring him.
The book might be very helpful to you. best of luck.
If your partner has insecurity issues that he is busy working through, you need to help him out too, he can't do it alone. You're in this with him and need to be as supportive as possible. Crticising him will only make things worse. My DH and I never argue but for a while during the summer he was passing remarks about things I said I would do but never, ever did (including cleaning my clothes up off the bedroom floor!). Then I was diagnosed with depression and have been taking meds and working through things with a therapist (my depression has nothing to do with DH or my marriage, though infertility was one of the things that triggered it). He then stepped back immediately and has been very supportive, very helpful. It's essential for both of us and our relationship that he helps me to get better. I would now never leave a garment on the bedroom floor! There really should be no room for anger, criticism or tears in a relationship. Sit down and ask him how he's doing and what it is that you can do to help him improve. Your fella is obviously going through his own thing at the moment and maybe he's finding it harder than you realise. You'll work through it fine, you just need to put a plan in place. best of luck to you both.
I dont think you're being a cranky B with him.
Obviously you love him and want to help him with his esteem issues but i can understand how frustrating it must be for you to not be able to vent without a huge issue being made of it. He always plays victim so that makes you the villain which isnt fair.
Hope it gets better for you.