Hi Sorry for the anon but I don't want to be recognised. I'm an old timer here and need some advice. I am married 5 years and discovered lately my dh had a one night stand a year before we got married. I am devastated and finding things very hard. We are trying to work things out but I am struggling. Everything I see or do seems to remind me of what happened, every program I watch, seeing couples together, little things all day long. I can't understand why he did and he can't answer only to say it was the biggest mistake he ever made and I do believe he is sorry. The hardest thing I am finding is thinking back to what I thought we had and now realising it was a lie and our relationship is not that special. Thinking of dh with someone else makes me feel ill. I feel my own confidence which was never that high is shattered. I have aged so much in the last few months.
Oh, honey, I feel for you. No words of wisdom from me but I think you should try to go for counseling as soon as you can - on your own perhaps first if you think that would be easier. I think it would help you get over the crisis.
I dunno, I'd try to keep it in perspective as a terrible mistake it sounds like he genuinely regrets - do you think your love for each other is bigger and more important than a horrible thing he did six years ago, before you were married? I think sometimes men do awfully dumb things just before they are ready to settle down - I've heard about a few things a little bit like this. I'm not trying to make excuses for him but I suspect that your relationship is so much more important and valuable than this horrible thing that he did.
But please try to get counselling as soon as you can - you need to look after yourself.
Dont have much advice either, but if it was me I would keep thinking it happened before ye got married and he's obviously really sorry about it. It must be really hard going through this but by him telling you shows it bothers him so much cuz he
i couldnt read and not reply, its never happened to me so i dont wanna say wat u should do. maybe dont make any decisions until you give it more time and go to your counselling? i can only imagine wat ur feeling... hope it works out for you xxx
Hugs for you
I was just wondering did he tell you or did you find out by chance? If he did tell you i would feel that he was obviously so ashamed of his behaviour and it must really have been something that he felt was always between you and he told you because he wants to have a totally honest relationship with you. I know its no comfort now but i think if you hang in there and go to counselling it may be an avenue to explore if and when you start to forgive him. If you found out by chance, i dont know, i dont think i could forgive him but its a very personnel choice. I hope he knows that its going to take a long time for you to get past this and that he really has a lot of hard work to do. I hope things work out for you and that this helps in some way.
Although even if you did find out only by chance it might equally be that he didn't want to hurt you by telling you about something that was a stupid one off that he felt truly sorry for and never intended to do again. I know quite a few people where this has happened before they got married. It's only my personal opinion but telling someone tends to only make the person telling feel better - not the other person. If it was something he genuinely feels sorry for and has learned from his experience that he could lose you there is no reason why you both can't work through it. My view is that once you stood up there in front of everyone and said this is the person that I want to spend my life with is when things really start to matter - from this day forward forsaking all others.
Hope it all works out for you
Aawwhh!!! I'm so sorry for you. Unfortunately l have no words of wisdom or advice for you.
Thank You everyone for your kind words. mrsdamcl no he didn't just tell me something happened to make me suspicious and when I asked he told me. He told me at the time he did try to tell me a couple of times and wasn't able and when time passed by he made the decision not to tell me. I think for him it was a bit of a relief to finally tell. This makes me very mad and also very confused. I don't think we would be where we are today if he told me and of course then wouldn't have my beautiful kids. On the other hand I am so annoyed that the decision was not mine at the time and now I have other people and things to consider.
I'm not sure why I posted really guess I was hoping someone would tell me it would be ok. Someone tell me they survived it. I haven't told anyone and don't want to tell anyone so posting here is kind of helping. We have talked until I am sick of talking, he has answered the millions of questions I have asked and basically took my lead in trying to deal with it. I want to and feel I have to give it my best shot to get through this for the kids and for the last 5 years and truth is I still love him. But I am terrified what we will be left with is a shadow of the relationship we had.
Jesus hun you poor thing...i hope things work out...i think forgiving is the easy part but fogetting is the hardest bit....my h2b had lied several times at the start of our relationshp...he had had a few snogs with his friends wife some yrs back and i always thought she was a bit flirty with him and asked did anything ever happen with them and he gave a very guilty no...so when i pushed him a few mths later he told me about it...i felt it happened before he met me but i felt he lied when asked...have forgiven the lie but find it hard to forget....is this person in your immediate group of friends?did he say how it happened or what were the circumstances??there is absolutely no excuse for infidelity but now that ye're married 5 yrs and its 6 yrs since it happened he has obviously pledged his heart to you...i'm wondering what brought it to the fore tho after 6 yrs....i think women in general would prefer to be told up front than to find out after the event cos its so much harder to forgive when found out....i reall dont know what i'm tryin to say to you only that you have to decide that if you forgive him can you be sure he'll never stray again and that it wont be brought up in every single arguement ye have in yrs to come??hope you have some peace of mind hun when you make your decision xxx