Agree with all the posts here. Myself and my hubby know exactly what one another, earn, save, spend etc. We split cost of mortgage, bills, car, groceries etc. We treat each other as often as we like, meals out, weekends away etc.
Hope it all works out for you!
Editied just to add that if my husband earned a lot more money than me then yes, i would expect him to contribute a little more and vica versa
[quote="goldyp":1c0whk74]Princess, apart from all the issues lately, it has been really good. It was one of those perfect relationships and everything that any girl would ever wish for, he just totally swept me off my feet. He is actually a good guy, hes caring and affectionate and I love being with him and we just have such a laugh. For a long time I was ecstatic in my relationship. That’s why there are things which are happening which are totally out of character from the person I thought I knew and I am totally taken by surprise by this money issue. I think we are just so different – different backgrounds, hes got an amazing career, I just have a job. I just wonder sometimes if he was on best behaviour for a long time to make sure he “got” me and now Im just seeing what he’s really like, I cant figure it out. A male friend of mine thinks that hes just relaxing now that he thinks we’re together forever and he can do what he wants but Im not taking this behaviour.
Hes definitely not living beyond his means. He just thinks everything is cheap cos he can afford to have a wardrobe of labels. Hes not openly flashy, he just knows what he likes and can get it.[/quote:1c0whk74]
Goldy, this appears to be more than a money issue. It seems, as other posters have said, that he isn't showing you much respect. So what if you don't have a high flying career, your money is as good as his. Your future husband shouldn't be making you feel bad about yourself, he should be the one person who makes you feel cherished and good about yourself.
You really need to have a long chat with him and let him know how you feel. Hope you manage to sort it out.
lets go fly a kite
If you're planning to share a life, and there is a large disparity in your earnings, you should share finances.
We have our finances more or less completely separate because we earn similar amounts but if there was a gap, the only way to function would be pooling our finances.
I think the suggestion to do things on your budget is a good one but it's not fair that he's able to save / spend much more than you if you're planning to marry. In short, I'd give him a good kick in the gut.
If you are marrying this guy then you are quite entitled to know what he earns and vice versa. The thing that worries me about this is what happens when children come along (if ye want), will he expect you to be paying your way then? I think you both need to sit down and discuss everything and also his change in attitude in general.
A lot of good advice given here. A friend of mine met a guy a few years ago who was the perfect man for the first 6 months of their relationship then he turned into a sly, conniving, sneak who totally chipped away at her confidence. She stayed with him for nearly 2 years until she found out he was cheating on her. The thing was though,during those 2 years she had clung on to the fact that he was so great and amazing in the beginning and that was the guy she was in love with. It meant that she always over looked or covered up the disrespectful way he treated her.
I'm not say u're H2B is like this but it just reminds me of that particular relationship. Don't cling on to the way he treated u in the beginning, its the way he treats u now that is important.
Thanks everyone for all the good advice, it has been really helpful and Ive made notes of things to say – things that wouldn’t have occurred to me before. So looks like a big “chat” is on the cards for either tonight or tomorrow night. I just want to get this sorted. Feeling really cr*p at the moment and don’t know how this is going to end. As lots of you girlies have said it looks like there are other issues and Im really getting the sense now that that is the case. I cant put my finger on it but his behaviour is strange and last night we had another stupid argument about how last week when he owed me money for a bill and I didn’t give him his change (I think it was €3!) until two days later (silly me but I wouldn’t think that’s a big deal) - that it’s the principal of the thing and people should pay up what they owe…. how he is a man of his word and he would question my character!! as this is a character flaw. Now amongst my family and friends no one acts like that and if you don’t have the change you give it when you have it as no one is going to run away without paying up. We wouldn’t treat each other so formally. I must say Im totally flabbergasted. I told him that I find his behaviour very strange that all of a sudden he is treating me like this and he said this is how adults behave. I think Im losing my grip on whats right, whats wrong, whats acceptable behaviour and whats totally psycho. What is this all about, am I wrong here, does anyone see this as very weird behaviour on his part (or even mine?). Im going mental with conversations going round and round in my head.
I don't think your H2B has a grasp on reality. This is NOT how adults behave to their intended brides. This is NOT how people in a relationship deal with finances. I find it strange that he is banging on about being 'a man of honour' - his honour isn't in question here...I think you need to discuss this immediately - this is very odd, in particular some of his statements, so much so that I'm beginning to suspect that someone has said something to him about his money or your motives, perhaps in all innocence, or possibly you may have inadvertently done something that has called the whole finances issue into question. Tread carefully, ask him direct questions that he cannot get out of answering honestly, and listen to him - we don't know what has caused this upheaval in his personality, so he may have a very good (albeit misunderstood) reason for acting in such a strange manner.
I could be totally off the mark here, but it sounds to me like he is a successful buisnessman who has started to treat your relationship as he would a buisness. He has made his investment in 'treating' you - and now that you are in 'partnership'- he is expecting a return.
I think it was the comment about "that is how adults behave" that makes me think this. It's how adults behave if they are buisness partners. It's not how life partners behave. He may not even be aware that he's thinking like this. It does sound like there is more to it though - and you do need to find out why his attidude has changed so much.
that isn't how adults behave, it may be how he behaves, not most normal adults,
I mean I understand that couples may have different attitudes to money, but to look for 3 euro change is a bit much, myself and my OH earn roughly the same amount, well he is on a bit more but not not a huge amount, and it has taken us time to adjust our finances. for example, I have a big student loan im paying off, I am also not the best with money and dont have savings, he has savings and is quite good with money,
basically he pays the mortgage and I pay my loan and any bills that come up, he buys furniture and stuff for the house, and something that used to annoy me was that I often have to borrow money from him, like 100 euro here and there, and he does expect it back, not in any rush, when i can afford it, and I used to think that wasnt fair as he was on a bit more than me and he had savings, but he is saving for a garage and nice things for the house and he buys everything we need for the house, all i get are groceries, bills,bin etc, so I am getting the good deal,
okay i really rambled off there, basically what I think is, while couples may have different opinions to money, what he is doing is not normal, and isnt something you should have to put up with, paople cant just change like that, he is showing no respect for you whatsoever, you need to make a stand which i think you are going to do anyway, and sorry i know i mentioned it already but looking for 3 euro change, seems a bit tight, i can understand a 20 maybe but a few euro, come on!
[quote="goldyp":2yjtd0er]I must say Im totally flabbergasted. I told him that I find his behaviour very strange that all of a sudden he is treating me like this and [b:2yjtd0er]he said this is how adults behave[/b:2yjtd0er]. I think Im losing my grip on whats right, whats wrong, whats acceptable behaviour and whats totally psycho. What is this all about, am I wrong here, does anyone see this as very weird behaviour on his part (or even mine?). Im going mental with conversations going round and round in my head.[/quote:2yjtd0er]
You're not in the wrong pet at all. I mean looking for €3 change is just taking the biscuit. He is being totally unreasonable and the way he speaks to you is quite patronising. He speaks to you like he is speaking to child which is not acceptable. He should be treating you as his equal in your relationship, and not an inferior being, regardless of finances etc. Don't let him walk all over you. You need to have a chat with him before his behaviour spirals out of control and to save your own sanity.