My mum dying, father already dead resent DH with 2 parents

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radiogaga Posts: 16
this is probably a strange post but my Mum has incurable cancer and seems to be starting to fade. My father passed away a good few years ago. both my DH's parents are alive and well and appear to be in good health. I have been thinking recently that I resent the fact that in a few months time I will be an orphan and DH's will have two parents alive. I love my IL's and get on really well with them and my DH is gutted about my mother but I just don't want to lose her and I am dreading when she is no longer around. I feel bad for resenting DH as it is not his fault and I haven't told him how I feel as I don't know how he would react but he has been great to me since we found out the news about my Mum. Has anyone gone through this? How do you cope with all of the emotions. We have a young baby and it is hard not getting upset all of the time. RG
grace79 Posts: 97
Radiogaga, i m not in the same boat as you, but i couldn't not reply. My dad has secondary cancer and even tho my mother is still alive i can kind of understand where ure comin from. My partners parents are both alive. We have a little girl and when i think of all the tings my dad wont be around for but his dad will, i feel a pang of anger. This may sound a bit hateful but i dont mean to be. Don't alienate ur DH cos you will need him in the next few weeks and months. I totally feel for you and you are in my thoughts.
MrsMcM Posts: 311
I dont have any words of advice but wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you.
lovebug997 Posts: 4034
My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and it absolutely broke my heart! H2b and I were only about 5 months together at the time and he was fantastic. He still has both his parents and like you I felt strange about it! His dad is one of the most miserable gits on the planet and will probably outlive us all! It just felt so unfair! Was all brought up again a few weeks ago when dd was born! She's the first grandchild on my side and I know that my dad would have absolutely doted on her and been so proud! H2b's dad is on dialysis every day in the same hospital where I had dd and he never once even put his head around the curtain to see her! Made me very angry to be honest! I didn't say anything to h2b though as I don't want him to feel even worse about it! I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Just be sure to make the most of every day with your mam and share the things you want to with her! My dad was killed in an accident and I never got the chance!
littlemisshopeful Posts: 6101
I would say that your feelings are completely normal and reasonable. It is all part of the journey with your mother as well and your difficulty at facing the future without your parents. I think that in a difficult time like that, it is best to search for the positive...i.e. your H2B is so supportive of you and let him know that you appreciate his support and his parents support. Another positive is that you get on great with his parents and that doesn't always happen. Take comfort in that. They will never replace your parents of course and they will never become your parents in the future, but it sounds like they could be future pillars of support for you. I would just gently let your H2B know that he is very lucky to have two parents, while your dad has gone and your mum is very ill. If he is very supportive, like you say, you can gently let him know that you resent or are a little jealous of his good fortune, but that you don't mean to feel that way. Keep thanking him for his love and support. I think you might feel better after talking to him about it. You just need to figure out how and the right words etc. I am sure that he will be very understanding and will comfort you regarding your feeling and what you are going through. Will be thinking of you. Take care.
BusyDee Posts: 8527
Sorry to hear about your mum. I completly understand what you mean. Both my parents are dead (mum died of cancer when I was 21 and dad died of a heart attack when I was 25) and H2b's parents are young enough and in great health. But sometimes I do resent it (maybe resent isnt the right word) but not only him but of friends aswell. Sometimes it makes me mad when their giving out about them or something and I cant help but think if I even had an hour with them again what I would do or say. Sometimes even on here I get mad when people post about there parents etc or get jealous when they talk about going dress shopping with their mothers. But then just as quick I have to snap out of it for my own sanity. You will go through a range of emotions - sadness, anger, etc. I handled my own parents deaths very well - I just had to accept it and move on otherwise I'd always be miserable. My aunt can hardly mention my dads (her brother) name without choking up - I'm so glad I'm not like that coz honest to god I'd be an emotional wreck - I suppose you could say I'm very strong although I have to say lately I find myself getting very emotional when I think about them. I think its because there is alot happening in my life that I would love for them to have been alive to witness - moving into our new house, making wedding plans etc. I dont really know what else to say to you only your not alone - I was actually thinking would it be a good idea if Admin set up a bereavement section, where people could talk about loved ones and offer support to others? Just a thought, anyway try and be strong and be there for your mum in this difficult time - one of my biggest regrets I wasnt really around for my mum.
Silent Bride Posts: 565
This a hard one and on one will say to you what you want to hear. But part of me can understand where you are coming from. My dad died a few years ago before my DD was born. My partners dad is alive but older than my dad wld have been and doesnt have the energy (understandably) for my DD even though she is mad about him, as he is about her. I think if my partners dad had the energy for my DD I would find it hard to see, knowing how good my own dad wld have been with her. Also as my partners dad doesn't have the energy for my DD, it kills me knowing what she is missing out on cause my dad wld have been fantastic with her, he had this energy that kids just were drawn too and he was great with them. In saying that it works both ways as my mum is still with us but my partners mum has passed away so I would imagine that is hard for him also. As your hubbys has both his parents (and long may this be) its going to be very hard for him to understand what you are feeling, no one knows the feeling of a loss of a parent unless you have been there, and I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. But you can't hold this against your hubby. Just treasure this time with your mum and spend as much time with her as possible and try to not let this affect your relationship with your hubby. :wv
scoby1978 Posts: 175
I feel so sad for you :action32 From your post you seem like you are torturing yourself. And if you are the type of person who takes everything in board, it is very hard to change that. I can understand that because you have gone through a personal loss before that you are dreading going through it again. I think the use of the word Orphan is very strong but at the same time it really descibes how alone you are feeling. But you are not alone. Your DH is beside you every step of the way. Your child will get you through the tough times ahead. I know that it is going to be hard for you. Remember to use all of the support available to you. It [u:2gn9h6hs]will[/u:2gn9h6hs] help you. I too have lost my Dad and my mother is not in very good health and know the way that you are feeling. i have to keep reminding myself that unfortunately, DH will have to feel the terrible grief that I had to go through and I can only hope that I can be as suppportive to him as he has been to me.
lovindis Posts: 642
I dont have any experience in it thank god but just want to say how sorry i feel for you. You poor thing i couldnt even imagine life without my parents so it must be so hard on you. If i knew you id hug you but an electronic one will have to do instead! :xox Be strong :wv
Bunnybaby Posts: 2701
radiogaga i too have lost both my parents my dad when i was sick and my mam couple of years ago when i was mum was the hardest because when i was growing up she was both a mother and father to me, she too had cancer but like that we knew she hadnt long left and in a way it helped us to come to terms with the fact that we were losing her, although it was still a shock because she died very quickly in the end and also like other posters who are in the same position said you wud see mother and daughters out for dress shopping and daughters taking their mothers advice on the simplest of things and my god i would give both my legs to have that back again really i would and yes when ya read other wollies giving out bout their mams ya think god their soo selfish or there soo lucky to even be in that position that they can give out about them.... dont resent ur husband either its not his fault that his parents are alive and you will need all his love and support when the time comes but you have to live in the time thats here now not whats to h2b dosent even think at the time of my mams anniversary that i might be a bit quiet or down until i tell him but then he realsises and is more understanding but i met my h2b after my mams death so because he has both parents he dosent realise how it affects you but if I can give you one piece of advice from what you have wrote i think you are trying to grieve or trying to understand what your going to be like when she does pass away and you cant do that she is STILL with you, and you must treasure her now that you have her with you whenever you want to see her, kiss her, hug her, hold her hand, do all these things now and have such nice memories to look back on so that when you are couple of weeks, months, years down the line you can think back to those times best of luck with everthing my thoughts re with you and your mam