Stepdad V Stepson (im in a warzone)!!!!!!!!!!

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Noname Anon Posts: 2
Hi girls, ive been married for 2 years and have a son from a previous relationship who is 9 years old. (6 when we met). My son is the apple of my eye. He is smart, funny and even at 9 everyone says is cute! I have a good relationship with his Dad too which is great so I know he has not been too affected by the breakup between his Dad and me, which happened when he was a baby. The problem is my dh isn't used to kids, there are none in his family and he's a lot stricter on my son than i or his father would be. I generally find my son is very good and I never need to give out to him but his stepdad finds fault with everything he does. Its kinda been there since we got married but has worsened lately. Its like his stepdad finds him annoying or in the way, not all the time but it definitely depends on my dh's mood. If he gets on well with him today tomoro he'll be really serious with him and if my son tries to have fun or mess with him he could go either way i.e. give out or play along. I feel really hurt on my son's behalf when he takes things out on my son. To add to matters we now have a baby on the way which my son is estatic about but I do worry what that will do to the family dynamic as well. I've tried talking to my dh but he has a terrible temper so it normally ends with him storming out so I find now that I keep my feelings to myself and try to be extra patient and attentive to my son. It hurts me when my dh gives out to him for no reason (just an hour ago, my son who is sick at the minute didnt like his lunch and got an earful from my dh about it) totally uncalled for. When i ignored my dh and made my son what he wanted, my dh left in a mood. My son normally eats anything put in front of him so i didn't see this as a big deal espec. when he's sick. To make things worse my son idolises my dh which i know is unusual in these circumstances i mean you hear stories so often of stepparents and stepchildren hating each other. But no matter what my dh says to my son it doesn't seem to bother my son but yet drives me silly. I'm sorry for rambling on, maybe i just need to vent a little but im seriously thinking of kicking my hubby out until he can show my son some respect!!! Dont get me wrong he doesn't go out of his way to be mean to my son he's just dismissive of him and not very interested in him. I do love him and when he is in a good mood he is lovely to my son, maybe it immaturity or maybe something else but its really getting to me and while im pregnant dont want this continuing or repeating with the new baby. Anyone any ideas?
JustBecause Posts: 3242
I think it is immaturity on your hubbys part. From my personal experience as a step child I would say that as his mum it is your place to side with your son when your hubby is at fault or over-reacting. Your Hubby is an adult while your son is only 9. It sounds like your son is alot more interested in being a family with your new husband and the new baby that your husband is. Even if your husband does have a temper he needs to be the grown up. Does your hubby know anyone in a sililar situation who could talk to him about it? Maybe you should try counselling before the new baby arrives because IMO this situation will only get worse, especially as your son approaches adolesence. But the birth of your baby might help your hubby to grown up and realise what being a father is about. Bext of luck.
micksmrs Posts: 931
You need to speak to your DH about what you have just put down for us. I know he might not like it and storm off but when he comes back and has calmed down try again to talk to him. He probably needs a bit of direction. It sounds like he wants to be authoritive with your soon as well as being his friend but just cant find a balance and when he has a good time with him one day feels your son needs to know that he is the adult and needs to be looked up to the next. I hope it gets sorted for you.
Noname Anon Posts: 2
Thanks for the replies girls, Justbecause i do think there is an element of immaturity and also my dh had a very difficult upbringing so i think this might be playing a part as well. Everything you said is bang on to point and I know councelling would be the right route but id doubt he'd do it. I know i have to be careful of hormones now myself with being pregnant so im going to wait until after the baby is born and see how things are then and ill just keep battling my son's corner until then. I do feel im going to explode some day. I think its partly my fault because i was too afraid to stand up to him in the beginning and now he thinks he gets away with it. Micksmrs i fully agree he needs to find the balance between being a dad and being his friend hopefully the new baby will help. Girls thanks again for the replies, it helps just being able to talk with someone O:o)
Backbiter Posts: 25
[quote="Noname Anon":2a4b02ko]To make things worse my son idolises my dh which i know is unusual in these circumstances i mean you hear stories so often of stepparents and stepchildren hating each other. But no matter what my dh says to my son it doesn't seem to bother my son[/quote:2a4b02ko] Maybe your son is scared of rocking the boat. Now that he is a bit older and has seen the way that your present family unit operates and has seen that you are incapable of/won't stand up to his stepfather he feels that maybe you would pick your dh over him if it came to it and therefore tries hard to show you (not his stepfather) that he is 'happy' with the status quo. [quote="Noname Anon":2a4b02ko]I think its partly my fault because i was too afraid to stand up to him in the beginning and now he thinks he gets away with it.[/quote:2a4b02ko] Why were you too afraid to stand up to him in the beginning? Because you didn't want to lose him or somehow that he made you afraid of what would happen if you did? You do realise that your son will probably end up copying either your behaviour in adult life or that of his stepfather as you are his biggest influences. Don't end up like me and on advising your child on how to handle a situation with friends here her say, "don't ask me to stand up for myself because I can't." I spent far too much of my life trying not to rock the boat and keep everybody happy. It doesn't work and is a very hard habit to break. It might be scary to stand up to him the first time but it will get easier and soon enough he will realise that he can't behave how he wants if he wants to keep your family together. Don't wait till after you deliver your baby - it will get harder to do it then as you will inevitably feel more vulnerable on all counts and will start telling yourself to wait till the new baby is 3 months, then 6 months and then 12 months old. Bite the bullet and do it now and start regaining your peace of mind and personal happiness.
myself Posts: 192
Sounds to me that you would rather let a 9 year old deal with your husband's temper then deal with it yourself? Honestly I find that atrocious behaviour on your part. Your husband is behaving like this because you have enabled it. As a mother myself if I saw anyone's behaviour to my daughter, including her father, being overly strict, mean or otherwise not correct - i would have their balls, regardless of the outcome for me. Grow up and start standing up for your 9 year old chld. That is your resonsibility to do. And do it now, not when the baby is born and you have no time for him.
mammyslittlerogue Posts: 2184
My mam met my stepdad when i was 10 and they married when i was 16, im not too xclose with my dad but alwaysgot onwith him and saw him every weekend. When my mam met my stepdad she took things slow (wel laround me anyway) and then when he was moving in she asked me if i minded but i didnt coz he was brilliant, treated me like his own and to this day still does, even though they have 2 other children, if he is asked my stepdad will say he has 2 daughters and a son... i would go to him before my dad with a problem and would tell him more too but just becaise i didnt see my dad asmuch over the years nad lived with my stepdad. Had he ever been mean to me or been like your DH my mam wouldnt have put up with it and he'd have had his marchin orders, at the end of the day ur son was there before your DH and ur DH needs to understand this is fr life not just for the time being
lux Posts: 6270
I wonder why you let an adult bully a child? I mean, if you were posting about a teacher treating your son this way I think ALL the responses would be, go to the source of the problem and sort it out. I can only go on the info given in your post, one phrase that sticks out is that your husband is not used to children. Well, that's beside the point TBH. Children are part of the equation in your relationship and marriage. Is that the excuse he uses when confronted about his behaviour, that he's not used to children? Or is that your rationalisation of his behaviour? I ask because what's he going to be like when the baby comes and you're both awake because the baby has colic? Is he going to shout at it to go to sleep? What about when you've a toddler who breaks something he likes because they are into everything crawling around? Will he yell at it to sort it out? Have you ASKED him why he acts like this? Have you discussed what his role will be when the new baby comes? Or are you crossing your fingers and hoping for the best? Either way, you need to sort out this behaviour now or you're looking at a very vulnerable child who won't know what he's done wrong.
bellybabe Posts: 153
I'm not condoning what your DH is doing, but as a stepparent myself, I know I was probably harsher on my stepson than I should have been, in the early stages of my relationship with his dad. I knew there was a child before we got involved so I should have realised what I was getting into, but having a constant reminder of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and subsequently moving into the house they had bought together, did have an effect on me so I suppose on some level, I was taking out my frustration that I didn't have my lovely boyfriend all to myself on his child. Maybe your DH is uncomfortable that you still have so much contact - and friendly at that; my stepson's mother is a wagon! - with your son's father, but isn't able to verbalise it. As I said, my stepson's mother is not a very nice person and drags my fiancé through the mill, and he is constantly there reminding me of this awful person I'm going to have to put up with for the rest of my life (well, until my stepson is 18 anyway ;o) ) - I know it's not his fault, he didn't ask for his parents to split up or for either of them to have new relationships. My fiancé has taken me aside a few times and spoken to me straight out about my behaviour, and it was things I hadn't even noticed. It was only when it was laid out to me that I realised. Now, I have a fantastic relationship with my stepson - he's all hugs and "I love you" and last week, he told me he wouldn't want his dad to marry anyone else. :-8 You need to speak to your DH, but understand that he might be feeling insecure about things too, he's not just being a meanie!