We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

I-dunno Posts: 20
nelly Posts: 1875
Sorry but i think you have no right to ask him to help pay off your credit card As far as money - it should be 50:50 at least until you are living together proper or engaged a while and that is ONLY my opinion. Put your feet in his shoes and hear the words "gold-digga" loudly ring in your ears.... In fairness it seems you are trying to push him into something he does not want to do - so he asked you to marry you - whats the rush with the "big talks" for a while? edited for clarity...
shobie Posts: 1437
Grrr, had a big long reply writtne and then lost it. Baically no you arent being unreasonable imo, he is, once you make the committment to get engaged, live together and get married then the whole 50/50 thing becomes obsolete. In an ideal world maybe but the reality is he earns more than you, you are trying to pay off your debt which is the sensible thing to do and he should support that. Did he contribute when he was staying with you a few nights a week??? Did you ask him to?? I dunno, sounds like maybe he hasnt worked through all his issues. But he is being unfair and throwing the gifts he has given you in your face is ridiculous and immature, sounds like he has deeper reasons.
shala Posts: 1733
If he earns much more than you, then he should pay a little bit more. In a committed relationship, I don't think money should be an issue at all (Unless someone is a shopaholic or gambler). My h2b pays the mortgage and I pay all the bills and get the food in. It works out that he pays more - but he earns more too. He looks after his own credit card and I look after mine. At then end of the day, you should be working together. After years of living together, surely all those money issues such as who pays what should be ironed out by now. Sounds like your h2b is using this as an excuse TBH.
shala Posts: 1733
[quote="nelly":lzidoyte] Put your feet in his shoes and hear the words "gold-digga" loudly ring in your ears.... [/quote:lzidoyte] Surely if she was a gold-digger, her h2b would have copped this within the 1st year of their relationship, not 7 years later! [size=59:lzidoyte]Edited for spelling[/size:lzidoyte]
shortyk Posts: 96
Myself and my H2B don't split things 50:50. Its never been heard of throughout our relationship. If i need extra cash for anything, he has always been the 1st to give it to me with no strings attached, but it also works both ways. Our relationship has always been about working together, and as time has gone by and we've moved in together, we have started to pool both of our wages together and work with our money together. I don't think you're being unfair to ask him to contribute seeing as he earning a higher wage. You have helped him out in the past and i presume you are going to continue doing so, so why shouldn't he help you out now. As you said, you were only looking for help for a couple of months until you got yourself sorted out.
nelly Posts: 1875
[quote="Shala":3fiqfx2a][quote="nelly":3fiqfx2a] Put your feet in his shoes and hear the words "gold-digga" loudly ring in your ears.... [/quote:3fiqfx2a] Surely if she was a gold-digger, her h2b would have copped this within the 1st year of their relationship, not 7 years later! [size=59:3fiqfx2a]Edited for spelling[/size:3fiqfx2a][/quote:3fiqfx2a] Maybe, maybe not the whole language of the post is fighting talk and quite demanding IMO. I mean "pinned him down"?? wtf maybe this guy was henpecked and the whole " I sacrificed so much for him" yet not recognising when he tried to do something her response was that she never asked him to is just stunning.
goldyp Posts: 26
I am in exactly the same position as you will see from my posts regarding money issues. I have a serious problem with 50:50 and I dont think its unreasonable to expect the person with the higher income to pay more. I have made some headway regarding paying for holidays and nights out ie. I just have to pay about 25% but I just earn about enough to live on with very little disposable income. Just thought Id reply to let you know you’re not alone and Im sorry I cant give advice as I cant even manage to sort myself out but Im getting really resentful and I am fast coming to the conclusion that I cannot live my life like this. I just think some men are more money motivated and nothing will change them. I hope it works out for you.
I-dunno Posts: 20
Maybe your right Nelly, like I said I don't know who's right or wrong here and I don't want to give a biased view so I'll be honest about it but one thing I do know is I'm not a gold digger, his support means a lot to me and i've never asked him for anything ever, he is very generous and has paid for holidays/ helped me with my daughter and done other really generous things but I never asked him for that, I only ever wanted help on a very basic level like the 60:40 arrangement and even then I only want that til I get on my feet because then at least i'd be able to get myself out of a hole and be somewhat on even footing with him. And for the record anything he had given me, he always throws back in my face and it really hurts and makes me feel bad cos I accept it at the time with the good will that it's given to me. We were living together for 6 years and we split everything 50:50 then but it was a problem for me because he would pay me a "wage" and I felt like we were housemates rather than partners. When we got back together I was determined that we'd have a joint account that we both put money to and have equal access to and that I wouldn't find myself having to supplement whatever money was there because I couldn't ask him for more which was what happened before. The fact of the matter is we are in two very different situations I owe 4 grand on my credit card and admittedly it's a mixture of being careless with it but it's also for paying for spending money for holidays he's taken me on, paying for flights for us cos I feel bad that I can't match him like that and for the last year since I've been living on my own, I've been paying off the minimum and using it again for food cos my wages have run out. My mother is getting her redundancy soon and has told me she'll help me by paying half which is a huge relief for me but I still need to get rid of the other 2 grand and am struggling with it why shouldn't I ask my partner, the person I am willing to spend the rest of my life with, to help me? Is it that wrong? He's willing to do the grand gestures and I don't ask for those but the thing I do ask for he has a problem with, I can't understand it at all. Also he has savings that he reckons is for our house deposit but I want to be able to contribute to that as well and given his record, the last thing I want is to give up my rented house and go and live with him only to hear "Well its my house cos I put up the deposit" I would not put that past him for a second and almost expect that's what'll happen. I don't have any intention of "pushing him into something he doesn't want to do" but I've waited long enough and sacrificed my own situation for a whole year so he could get himself sorted all that time he helped me with other stuff but he never once asked me how I was coping with the bills. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking him to contribute to the food I made him, heating etc for when he was staying with me, it just wouldn't have entered my head. Like I said he is very good in a lot of ways and he has changed other aspects of his personality to suit me but I've done that too and sacrificed a lot in the process so I just don't know what to do any more all I want him to do is meet me half way, this means a lot to me but yet he's not willing to budge and see my side at all when this is what he wants me to do regarding the things that matter to him.
nelly Posts: 1875
[quote="goldyp":1xctczg0]II have a serious problem with 50:50 and I dont think its unreasonable to expect the person with the higher income to pay more.[/quote:1xctczg0] In this case i don't think money is 100% the issue... OP can clarify....