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Am I being totally unreasonable??

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ciara xx Posts: 75
Hi everyone. I just wanted to get your thoughts on below. I've been with my finacé for 2 and a half years now. I have 2 best friends. One who he never got on with at all and because of this I barely be in contact with now cuz I'm sick of everytime I mention her name he slags her. I don't like one of his friends but I always make an effort. My other friend I have only been out once with and he got full drunk and made a big show. I have been out with his friends on numerous occasions. I wanted to go out with my friend and her BF on the 16th March. It started off by him saying as long as we can go for a few drinks with his friends on St. Patricks day. I said ok no problem if it was only for a few hours it would be fine as I've work the next day. Problem is now he's off the day after St. Patricks Day. I've been told he isn;t going out on 16th March now cuz he can't afford it. So I went mad saying I never get out with my friends and I'm hardly going out myself as it's all couples going out. He said fine he'll go but if he's left by myself or having a crap nite he's walking home. I always go out with his friends and always make an effort if I'm having a crap nite or not. In the finish, I told him to forget about it that I couldn't be bothered with the arguements. He informed last night that on St. Patricks Day he is going to the pub beside his friends house. Said I can go if I want he's not bothered. Problem is if I don't go on St. Patricks Day with him I won't get out cuz at all my friends are heading to Belfast. I said I wanted to go. We'd go down about 12 and leave about 9/10 cuz I've work in the morning. I'll have to drive to his house that morning and leave my car there and then get a taxi down to the bar as I can't take my car down as I'll need the car for work in the morning. the bar we are going to is in the middle of nowhere. At least 15 miles from his house and 7 miles from any town. I was told when it comes to 10 and I'm going home I've to get a taxi back to his house and lye there on my own and get up in the morning for work. He's staying in the bar until everyone goes home and staying in his friends house. I'm raging. Am I being totally unreasonable. What sort of H2B would send his finacé home in a taxi on her own 15 miles to stay in his house?? I'm so fed up in this relationship. everything is about his friends and what he wants to do. He wants to go to a pub on St. Patricks Day which is in the middle of nowhere. No music no nothing on in it. What sort of day will that be?? I'm probably going to have to stay sober now so I can drive up the road cuz I ain't getting a taxi 15 miles on my own. What do I do??
ciara xx Posts: 75
Oh and there has been another nite organised with his friends on 28th March. The same wkd of my best friends birthday. She invited us but he said no cuz he never gets to do anything with this friends O:| O:|
caitni2000 Posts: 434
Ciara, sounds like a real predicament! In one way it really reads like he hasn't grown up or moved on with your relationship. I think the first thing you need to do it calmly sit down and talk to him. When this news of his plans first comes out you're probably too angry to speak any sense. You are both in this relationship and you both need to learn to compromise and you need to tell him that. Maybe you should arrange nights out with just your own friends, that is healthy to have that independence in a relationship. Re. him not liking your friends, I'm exactly the same. I don't know what it is about Irish boys, but i find the boys the grow up around are their "friends" and anyone outside that click are just people you know. I find it very difficult that my H2B doesn't like any of my friends, male or female, but he does make the effort (and then moan about it after and I just tell him to shut up, i put up with his loser friends, he can put up with mine) Difference being I get on with most people, so it is harder for him as he's a bit shy. I guess thats just the way he is. But i think you need to sit down with your H2B and tell him you understand he doesn't like your BF's, but that they're an important part of your life and always will be. You don't expect him to see them all the time, but once in a while you need him to make the effort, for you. I think in any situation you need to sit down in a calm quiet moment and discuss how upset this is all making you because you want to share your life with him and be a couple, not two individuals in a relationship.
caitni2000 Posts: 434
Ciara, sounds like a real predicament! In one way it really reads like he hasn't grown up or moved on with your relationship. I think the first thing you need to do it calmly sit down and talk to him. When this news of his plans first comes out you're probably too angry to speak any sense. You are both in this relationship and you both need to learn to compromise and you need to tell him that. Maybe you should arrange nights out with just your own friends, that is healthy to have that independence in a relationship. Re. him not liking your friends, I'm exactly the same. I don't know what it is about Irish boys, but i find the boys the grow up around are their "friends" and anyone outside that click are just people you know. I find it very difficult that my H2B doesn't like any of my friends, male or female, but he does make the effort (and then moan about it after and I just tell him to shut up, i put up with his loser friends, he can put up with mine) Difference being I get on with most people, so it is harder for him as he's a bit shy. I guess thats just the way he is. But i think you need to sit down with your H2B and tell him you understand he doesn't like your BF's, but that they're an important part of your life and always will be. You don't expect him to see them all the time, but once in a while you need him to make the effort, for you. I think in any situation you need to sit down in a calm quiet moment and discuss how upset this is all making you because you want to share your life with him and be a couple, not two individuals in a relationship.
blissful2b Posts: 1555
i'm gonna take a different angle sorry!!! just because he doesn't get on with one of your friends doesn't mean you have to stop seeing them. thats your decision! you guys aren't joined at the hip. you can go out and meet your friends on your own. you don't need him there (even if it is all just couples) you'll be chatting away to your friends and he'll be left on his tod. as for him staying on in the pub? whats the problem? he doesn't have work the next day so of course he won't want to leave at 9 or 10. thats early! things will only be getting going at that stage. what we're doing for paddy's day is going out with his friends, but i'm leaving around 9 like yourself and he'll make his own way home. it sounds like you are very clingy (sorry!) to him.
Forgottenpassword Posts: 1078
I agree with blissful. It sounds as if you are depending on him to be part of every single social thing you do. Have you really only seen one of your friends once in the 2.5 years you have been with him. When you say you got drunk and made a show - in who's eyes was it a "show" To be honest though as well the idea of spending from midday until closing in a pub on St. Patricks day does not make any sense either, that is a stupid amount of drinking time, or even if you are not drinking it is a horrible amount of time to be cooped up in one place!! If you don't like his friends why do you pretend to? He makes no pretence about liking your friends so what do you gain by your pretence? If I were you I would make my own plans for the day on St Patricks day, and then call in to him and his mates for a few hours in the evening - otherwise you will be bored silly, and it is a waste of a day off!! FP
jellywellies Posts: 2268
Morning - I can see both points. It's unfair of him to just do what he wants to do with his mates and not yours - as in the end of the day when you's get married both sets of mates will always be there. Also I wouldnt stop seeing my mates because he doesn't like them - tough t*tty!! Men come and go but friends are always there no matter what. Let him go and do his own thing on St Pats night and you try and go and do your own (with mates who aren't going to Bfast!) He has to learn that he can't have it his own way all the time and that relationships take give and take - at the moment hes only taking. Oh and I'd be raging about getting a taxi by MYSELF and staying ALONE in another persons house!!!
ciara xx Posts: 75
I'm not depending on him to be part of everything I do. I have seen my friends - I've called up to their house and went for walks but when it comes to us going out and everyone is going out as couples I always have to say no cuz he doesn't like my friends or know their partners well. When we started going out with each other I had to make an effort to get to know his friends and their partners and I'm the quiet, reserved one of the relationship. As for him making a show the only time we went out - well he was full drunk and started telling everyone he used to be in the IRA thinking it was a joke and all her friends are of the opposite religion. He told him he didn't like them to their face and nearly started a fight with one of them cuz they walked out in front of me. So yes it is making a show. In relation to liking his friends, I wouldn't be so rude to be ignorant to his friends as unlike him I do care what people think of me.
Forgottenpassword Posts: 1078
How do you think this is going to change when you are married? Can you live like this forever? FP
ciara xx Posts: 75
I know that. This is what is hurting me the most. I do love him and we used to love going out with each other but since we got engaged he has changed. Everything is about him. If I wanted to call into a shop for 2 minutes on the way home to look at a top or something he'll be raging. Tell me he's only waiting 5 mins on me but yet he's happy enough to sit in a bar all night even if we agreed we have to be somewhere at a certain time. I buy all the food pay for the car everything. He spends his money on cigarettes and going out. He is only working 3 days now so I feel sorry for him and buy everything and I wouldn't even get a thank you for it and he'll spend his money on whatever he wants. If he wants to go out he'll go out. I'll be sitting in cuz I've spent my money on petrol bills food and paying for repairs to the car which he does not contribute to. The last time we had a row which was his fault (he admitted 2 days later) he made me feel so bad that I went and booked us a night away in a hotel- paid for his drink and food all night O:| That is how much I love (loved) him. mI would have done anything to kepp our relationship. I'm sick of everything being his way so much so I want to call everything off. Problem is when he walks into our house everyone loves him and couldn't imagine him like this :o(