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Am I fooling myself???

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playbunny Posts: 50
hi girls & boys(if any of ye use this) I have a real big problem, I'm engaged for the last few four months to my boyfriend of five years after he had asked me on several occasions I said yes because he told me it was either now or never and I didn't want to loose him. I really like him alot & we get on great, but I've never really felt much attraction to him, I met him at a really hard time of my life, my close friend had passed away. to cut the story short my ex has been in my life the whole time at the start I cut him out of my life as he had hurt me, we never had a really solid realtionship,He hasn't gone out with anyone for the last two years apart from the odd one night stand, previous to this he went out with a girl for a year, not sure why the relationship finished.. now he wants me to get back with him or at least give him a chance this had been going on with the last two years and he still hasn't given up, I have often told him that I feel this is all wrong as I text him behind my H2b's back.. and I have met him on occasions maybe once every three months.. I have been with him before I got engaged.. he has told me he love's me. My H2b has asked me on loads of occasions whether he is still in contact & last week I told him that yes I had spoken to him and that basically I do still have a lot of feelings for him but that I have made my decision.. but now I don't know what to do!!! I feel like the most selfish B*tch in the world at the moment.. I don't want to hurt my h2b, but I can't seem to give up my ex at the same time..
sandy13 Posts: 939
hi hun, your in a bit of a delima arent you, but if this is how you feel about your x you need to tell your h2b or at least make a choice who u want to be with it isnt fair on him, but if your x has hurt you before how do you no he wont do it again and you could be giving up a good thing and end up with nither of them so you need to think strong about what your doing!!!!!! sandy
playbunny Posts: 50
Hi sandy13 it's worse than a dilemma I've been meaning to say something for months,as I knew he wanted to ask me to marry him and rather than let him down again I said yes, I love the stability of my realtionshiop now & the security of it, plus I get on with all his friends family.. and my family love him which makes all this a bit harder, my h2b has said to me as recent as last week I think the reason your not with your ex is because you don't trust him.. he knows how I feel and when I ask him what he wants to do he say's the ball is in my court... i'm not sure if any other girl is in this situation but do I marry him because I trust him and he'll give me a great life, he is like my best friend, but i'm not sure if there is the spark there like there is with my ex...
Mrs.slightly bonkers Posts: 3289
I dont think your ready for a relationship full stop. Stand back take some time for yourself. Someone is going to get hurt. I have a feeling it might be you. Ex is an ex for a reason.
lets go fly a kite Posts: 2388
I don't think you can marry him. In all probability, your feelings for him will only diminish over time.
Delish Posts: 4176
Don't marry someone because you are afraid to hurt their feelings by saying no. I think you need to take a break from both of these guys to sort your head out. Maybe neither of them are right for you. If you don't love your h2b, if instead he is a friend and was a crutch for you in bad times then these are not the right reasons to commit to him for life.
mrs blueeyes Posts: 992
Perhaps you need to give yourself time away from both these guys to suss things out. I also know from experience that far away hills are always greener. You could possibly be using your lack of interest in your current relationship as an excuse to think about your ex IYKWIM. Why did your H2B have to ask you several times?? He was probably right to put it to you as he did. That would have been a good opportunity to take a break before agreeing to marry him IMO. I know this is a personal question which you don't need to answer (you can think about it) but are you insecure as a person??? This might be the root of your problem if you are. If this is the case, some councelling could help.
livadia Posts: 351
[quote="Delish":2fzkjemw]Don't marry someone because you are afraid to hurt their feelings by saying no. I think you need to take a break from both of these guys to sort your head out. Maybe neither of them are right for you. If you don't love your h2b, if instead he is a friend and was a crutch for you in bad times then these are not the right reasons to commit to him for life.[/quote:2fzkjemw] Couldn't agree with you more, Delish. playbunny, put yourself in your fiance's shoes... Would you want him to marry YOU if he wasn't sure, or was just doing so in order not to hurt your feelings?
Appleman Posts: 150
Having had a similar problem a couple of years back and ending up with neither so I would agree with the person you said dont marry just cause you will hurt theue feeling. You need to take stock and think this through because it will eat away with you from the rest of your life. Remember For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.'
lovebug997 Posts: 4034
It really is a tough decision you have to make! Having been in the situation before, where I was engaged but knew in my heart and soul I didn't love him enough to marry him, I would recommend that you get out now! Yes it's going to be hard but in a years time you will look back and say thank god you did it! Sorr is 100% right when she says that the grass is always greener. When you've had some distance from an ex you tend to forget the bad stuff! It can become over romantisised! This is a trap I've fallen into a few times! Trust me it's not greener and won't take long for all the old arguements to resurface! Take some time out just for yourself! Get away for a few days and be totally honest with yourself as to why you may want this ex back?