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having 2nd thoughts about wedding

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secondthoughts Posts: 4
Im looking for serious advice.im due to get married next February but am having second thoughts on wheter im making the right decision. I have been with my now fiancé for nearly 8 years. I think I’ve realized that I love him but im not in love with him. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything and he is the best in the world to me.s*x for me is like a chore-I never want to do it and sometimes even think of someone else when we are doing it. I’ve been feeling like this for about a year now – but to make matters worse I have recently become very attracted to someone else and am constantly thinking about him 24/7. We have been flirting for about 3 months now and while it has been nice, he is married!! Its beginning to drive me crazy that I cant have him as we both are attached and neither of us could ever make a move on each other.(sounds so childish I know) I don’t know what to do..i don’t want to make the wrong decision,do I go ahead with the marriage and run the risk that I will end a few months later, do I look for a break with each other ?i feel like i cant say it to my fiance incase i hurt his feelings . I haven’t told this to anyone as im afraid they will judge me on this.. Please give me some advice.thanks
moonbeam Posts: 58
Is it not better to hurt his feelings now then be married for afew months & then end it??? I was going out with some1 for 5 years & i knew we should have broke up alot earlier but we had got into a routine but then he decided he couldn't do it any longer & we split!!! I know its about 5 years later now & i'm with a wonderfull man & getting married in 2010 & i can honestly say i've never been happier but it hurt like hell at the time but that gets easier!!! I not saying u's should split like we did because every1 is different but i do think you need to speak to ur H2B about how ur feeling & see if you can work it out. :thnk Best of luck
Mrs.G Posts: 1828
tbh... you really need to deal with these feelings. You can't possibly sweep them under the carpet. Being that attracted to someone else & thinking about them 24/7 is v. serious. Does H2B have any idea there is problems?
dellol Posts: 315
Unfortunately, from what you've said, as bad as it is, there is no questioning the fact that you can't marry this man. If things were the other way around we would be calling him all names. I know you don't want to hurt him, but you cannot go through with the wedding the way you are feeling. You need to end it now and move on and also let him move on...... Yes, it will be very hard for both of you and you will end up carrying the guilt and being the 'bad' one for those around you, but it has to be done. Good luck to both of you with your decision. btw this married man...... you really need to stay away from him and be alone for a while. You never know, you may find you miss your fiance more than you ever dreamt..... Lorna
secondthoughts Posts: 4
thank you for advice so far.keep it coming.im so afraid im going to make the wrong choice.and i guess im afriad im going to be left on the shelf aswell..
gerbil Posts: 3528
[quote="secondthoughts":1rtsz6v2]thank you for advice so far.keep it coming.im so afraid im going to make the wrong choice.and i[b:1rtsz6v2] guess im afriad im going to be left on the shelf aswell[/b:1rtsz6v2]..[/quote:1rtsz6v2] TBH this is going to sound very harsh but I think this is a very selfish attitude. You don't have the right to ruin his life becuase you're afraid of "being left on the shelf" - let the poor guy go, and find someone who loves him and won't cheat on him. Free yourself to go find someone you can actually love and respect, and not cheat on. but don't ruin someone's life. And that includes your married friend's wife.
HappyGal Posts: 261
hey there,,, i dont know if you should call it off. ... before you do you need to seriously think about it... have you just had these feelings of not fancying him since u've been flirting with this new guy??? everyone gets attracted to someone else or finds some else nice looking or whatever it dosen't make you a bad person. to me it sounds like you are panicking and maybe you feel a bit trapped. the whole s*x thing ? i dont know but sometimes for me, if im tired or feeling totallly SHI*E in myself i dont want to do it.. if I dont feel sexy i think im not in the mood and then question the relationship ... maybe you are thinking too much about it and making it difficult for yourself.. first and foremost i think you need to talk to your fiancee and tell him how you are feeling. maybe you just need to rekindle what attracted you to him in the first place do you not think?? instead of thinking of the negatives about him think of his positives.... :thnk
steinbeck Posts: 22
second thoughts, I really feel for you at the moment, your head must be all over the place. Although i will say that I think throwing away a relationship after 8 years might not be the answer. Maybe you and your H2B got into a bit of a rut in the last year. I do think you need to speak to him and tell him your feelings. See can you both find out what happened in the last year that made things change.. it could just be the hum drum of life and you need to get the spark back again. As for this other man, stay well away, it will lead to no good and its just a case of the grass is greener. Concentrate on your relationship with H2B and forget about him. Give it time, maybe the wedding is freaking you out. If so post pone it and find out what it is you truely want.
joer Posts: 1617
hey there, sorry to hear that you're feeling this way - firstly, stay away from your friend as I dont believe that anygood could come from it at all, you should try and spend quality time with your h2b as another poster said, rekindle what you had once before, a day or two together doing something different, even talking about different things instead of weddings, work, housework etc should help... maybe a nice dinner, massage or even a kiss and cuddle...we all get stuck in a rut sometimes but you need to be able to talk things through and come out the otherside] hope this helps x
Mrs plaza Posts: 3031
Could it be you are missing the "chase" and not really unhappy with your h2b. This other man is not the one , you have built him up in your head by thinking of him 24/7 . You will have to sit down with your h2b and explain your fears over the wedding. Be honest with him and take it slowly, postpone it if ness. but don't string him alone. All the best