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He keeps spending savings for wedding!!!

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Schmetterling Posts: 8
Hi, I really need to get this off my chest and hope you don't mind me venting my frustrations here (even though I'm anonymous as people I know use this site regularly). A few weeks ago I found out that H2B had spent a decent amount of our savings for the wedding (he has access to the account where we're putting the savings) and as I'm sure you can imagine, I was not impressed, but we discussed it and I said I'd be in charge of all the savings from now on and that he was to give me the money and I'd put it into the bank. This evening he let slip that he was short of money and had taken 300 out of the wedding fund. I know 300 isn't that much, but it all adds up and I'm really, really upset. Most of the money in the wedding fund now is money I've put in as he's taken the rest out. I've also put a big deposit on my dress which isn't included in the wedding fund. He's a great guy - very caring and loves me to bits, but he's really terrible with money. I'm so worried about what's in store for my future with him now. I actually told him that I don't trust him anymore. I'm now having serious doubts about marrying him as I thought we had this sorted weeks ago and he went behind my back again and used more of the money. He said he really wants us to get married and that he's serious about us and I believe him, but a little bit of me wonders if he was really serious (never mind mature) he'd be saving. Sorry for the long post, but I'm really annoyed and need some advice as I can't talk to him about it anymore as we'll have a huge row and am embarrassed to say it to anyone I know. Thanks :thnk
burgundy4me Posts: 154
Historically women have taken the wage packet from men and given them back a little for themselves. I know my mother did it with my Dad and he was happy to let her. He was fond of a drink and I think left to his own devices he would have peed away every penny and we would have starved ! But this is 2008 and things are different now. Most of us women have our own money and our own independence. You need to not fight over this but be very very firm. Sit him down, tell him how much you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Get him to agree he wants to do the same. Then you need to tell him that you are now in charge of all money to do with the wedding and he's not to have access to it. He's welcome to check the balances any time he likes and you have to let him know and discuss with him each time you need to spend something. This is what it will take for you to marry him, he needs to know that and you need to mean it. He needs to know that it hurts you when he spends this money and it makes you question his commitment to you and your future together. Wishing you all the best :wv
Schmetterling Posts: 8
[quote="burgundy4me":h7uvt08v]Historically women have taken the wage packet from men and given them back a little for themselves. I know my mother did it with my Dad and he was happy to let her. He was fond of a drink and I think left to his own devices he would have peed away every penny and we would have starved ! But this is 2008 and things are different now. Most of us women have our own money and our own independence. You need to not fight over this but be very very firm. Sit him down, tell him how much you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Get him to agree he wants to do the same. Then you need to tell him that you are now in charge of all money to do with the wedding and he's not to have access to it. He's welcome to check the balances any time he likes and you have to let him know and discuss with him each time you need to spend something. This is what it will take for you to marry him, he needs to know that and you need to mean it. He needs to know that it hurts you when he spends this money and it makes you question his commitment to you and your future together. Wishing you all the best :wv[/quote:h7uvt08v] Thanks burgundy - great advice. He's gone to bed now (I'm sitting up fretting about how to handle this!) and I'll talk to him tomorrow after work and do as you say... :thnk
missi moo moo Posts: 1700
Whats he spending the money on? Why is he so short all the time? That would worry me, is he gambling or something? He's a big boy I'd be raging!
lovindis Posts: 642
Agree wit Missy moo, where is the money going?? Who needs 300 that badly mid week that isnt already budgeted for. Id be asking where the money is gone!
mrs bmw Posts: 6447
I took ownership for all the finances for the wedding, I made hubby put all his savings into my savings account and then I sent out the chqs for all the suppliers/ suits etc, I would never have taken moeny from it for everyday things unless I passed it with him, wedding money is off limits cos if you dip in once you will always do it.
Schmetterling Posts: 8
Hi girls, thanks for all the advice... Just to fill you in on what's happened today... I couldn't really sleep last night because of all the worrying about where his money has gone and how we're going to pay for this wedding (we really don't have that much left now!) so I was talking to him this morning and told him that I thought we should cancel the wedding. He got a bit upset and said surely I meant 'postpone' and I said yeah, that's what I meant, but the more and more I thought about it the more I thought we'd be better off just cancelling it altogether. We really can't afford to get married and at the moment I can't see the wood for the trees and can't see how we'll ever be able to. I've lost a lot of trust in him now - not because he used the money, but because he didn't tell me and tried to hide it from me. Anyway, I knew that by the time we'd get to talk tonight it'd be late and we'd only end up having a fight then so I sent him an e-mail outlining why I'm so worried and that I'd appreciate him telling me where all the money had gone. Next thing I get a text from him saying that he didn't know how to phrase his reply as he was afraid it'd end up finishing us for good as he doesn't know why I am going on about it again today as he promised last night he'd save and he's really insulted I'm bringing it up again!!! What the f?!! The way I feel at the moment I couldn't actually care if we did finish up. I'm so annoyed and sick of feeling like I'm going out with a child. Sorry for the rant, am just very p'd off!!! O:| O:| O:|
Bunnybaby Posts: 2701
my god you poor thing, obviously you are both going to ahve to just sit down tonite and your going to have to tell him how you feel and hear what he has to say and work from there on this,,,,you have to do what is best for you no matter how hard this is...imo he obviously dosent think what he is doing is such a bad thing and he obviously dosent know how much you need in order for this wedding to go ahead maybe you should tell him figures of what you have and actually what you need and it might maybe bring it home to him a little bit i hope for your sake it goes well :xox
FoxyLockz Posts: 2448
[quote="Schmetterling":3hxwf2y7]Hi girls, thanks for all the advice... Just to fill you in on what's happened today... I couldn't really sleep last night because of all the worrying about where his money has gone and how we're going to pay for this wedding (we really don't have that much left now!) so I was talking to him this morning and told him that I thought we should cancel the wedding. He got a bit upset and said surely I meant 'postpone' and I said yeah, that's what I meant, but the more and more I thought about it the more I thought we'd be better off just cancelling it altogether. We really can't afford to get married and at the moment I can't see the wood for the trees and can't see how we'll ever be able to. I've lost a lot of trust in him now - not because he used the money, but because he didn't tell me and tried to hide it from me. Anyway, I knew that by the time we'd get to talk tonight it'd be late and we'd only end up having a fight then so I sent him an e-mail outlining why I'm so worried and that I'd appreciate him telling me where all the money had gone. Next thing I get a text from him saying that he didn't know how to phrase his reply as he was afraid it'd end up finishing us for good as he doesn't know why I am going on about it again today as he promised last night he'd save and he's really insulted I'm bringing it up again!!! What the f?!! The way I feel at the moment I couldn't actually care if we did finish up. I'm so annoyed and sick of feeling like I'm going out with a child. Sorry for the rant, am just very p'd off!!! O:| O:| O:|[/quote:3hxwf2y7] Hi Schmetterling He needs to be man enough to tell you what he is spending the money on. You have every right to know it's your money too for something you both want. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this but he needs to fess up to it. If there is 1 thing i've learned it's you need to be able to trust each other, without that the relationship is in trouble and if you have no feelings about cancelling the wedding then there is something really wrong. I know you don't want another row but you can't tip toe around these big issues...i'm not being patronising when i say that honestly....but i don't think he doesn't understand the seriousness of it....and he really needs a shock to the system to make him reaise that what he is doing is not right. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he would want to know!.
Ca cest moi Posts: 7855
[quote="twinkelle":yuiyimtv] Hi Schmetterling He needs to be man enough to tell you what he is spending the money on. You have every right to know it's your money too for something you both want. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this but he needs to fess up to it. If there is 1 thing i've learned it's you need to be able to trust each other, without that the relationship is in trouble and if you have no feelings about cancelling the wedding then there is something really wrong. I know you don't want another row but you can't tip toe around these big issues...i'm not being patronising when i say that honestly....but i don't think he doesn't understand the seriousness of it....and he really needs a shock to the system to make him reaise that what he is doing is not right. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he would want to know!.[/quote:yuiyimtv] I totally agree with Schmetterling on this, he needs to stand up and be counted. Not only does he need to be responsible from here on in but he needs to account for where the money he spent has gone. From your response it looks like he is trying to pin some of the blame for his actions on you and is trying to divert the conversation away from where the money has gone by telling you your are over-reacting/his feelings are hurt. Find out what is going on as in my honest opinion only when the issue is confronted will the situation change. Good luck with it and my heart goes out to you as if it were me I would be very hurt also.