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Confused09 Posts: 10
Sorry, I had to go anon on this - really didn't want what I'm going to tell you to be associated with my usual name. Anyway, H2B and I are due to get married next year. I was very excited about it when we first got engaged as I had never met anyone like him before (I've been around the block and all my other boyfriends used to either cheat on me or put me down in some way). Anyway, in short, this guy is a really sweet guy who loves me to bits..... My problem is that I'm not sure anymore. I guess I have the usual wedding jitters and worry about this being 'it' for the rest of my life and although I'm 31 and want to have kids soon enough I also want to do more travelling (I feel that I [b:34t14is9]need[/b:34t14is9] to do it to get it out of my system) but he thinks we can have kids and worry about travelling later. This is a big problem for me that I'm worried we'll get married and I'll look back on my life and think "what if?" Another problem (and this is really the thing that spurred me on to change my username) is that he seems to be addicted to porn. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with him looking at it, but it always seems to be (along with other times I'm sure) when I've just left the house for an hour or so (for work reasons). Today I'm at home and have been working on his pc cause mine is on the blink and when saving docs I came across stuff that he had looked at on Sat after I had left the house about 20 mins and he knew I'd be back in an hour or two. I'm just worried that he enjoys doing this more than being with me (even though we do have sex - just not as often as I'd like) and that he'll be thinking of these women while he's with me. I just don't want to spend my life wondering every time I leave the house if he's "at it". (Sorry for the gorey details girls, I just need help here). I do love him and he's the best thing that's ever happened with me, but I am just having some sort of mental block at the thought of marrying him next year and feel that I need to talk to someone about it (even though I'd be ashamed to say this to anyone I actually know). Please help if you can and sorry for the long post.
s wife Posts: 1445
i can relate to you about the travelling issue as thats how i felt you realy should sit down and talk to h2b i now it sounds like a cliche but you realy should talk ,i did and now everything's out in the open we are taking each phase in our life one at a time and not planning anything as such as for the porn tell him how you feel if he dosnt know how you feel he cant answer your fears and questions sorry im not very good at giving advice hope it all work's out :wv
Confused09 Posts: 10
Thanks manda - we have tried talking about the travelling thing and he just thinks I'm analysing things too much and should wait and see what happens - I'm just worried though that we'll end up getting stuck in a rut. I told him what I saw on his pc and he said we can talk about it tonight, but to be honest I don't want to - this isn't the first time this has happened (one time I came home to catch him in the act - another time when I wasn't supposed to be gone for long) and I just wonder if he doesn't find me that attractive if he needs to go on the net and look at this stuff as soon as I leave... Just don't know what to do... :o(
Lizzie02 Posts: 2624
Hi Confused09, I had a similar experience a few years back (but it was before we got engaged) and I did a bit of travelling without my htb as it is just not his thing. I did 2 blocks of travelling (1 month and 2 months to another destination in different years). I know it wasn't the whole 12 months backpacking experience, but it was a compromise that I reached and it helped 'get it out of my system' also. It was without doubt the best decision I ever made. We get married next year and I can safely say I am happy now with impending marriage and settling down as I feel I have also satisfied this longing inside me. Sit down and talk about it, and see how you can both reach a compromise on this and the best way forward. It caused terrible tension in our relationship until it was resolved. About the porn issue - sorry can't help you there but I would definitely think sitting down and discussing these things is the best way forward. HTH, Liz.
wollie01 Posts: 248
you really need to sit down & tell him everything youre thinking. Its the only way to solve the issues. Best of luck :action32
SteveMcQueen Posts: 466
I don't see his logic in having kids first and then travelling? How would that work? Think you should travel before you have kids as it's very difficult afterwards.
Wispa Posts: 397
I know a few people who went travelling when their kids were in their teens/grown up. Just cos your gettin married dosen't mean you have to stay at home the whole time, or start havin kids straight away!
Psycho Sue Posts: 1875
Hey confused, I think the girls are right here, that you should sit down and talk to you H2b about both issues! Firstly, the key to a good relationship is communication. I have had trouble with this in the past and have learned the hard way. Travelling - Regardless of your age, if you feel that the travelling is what you want to do before you settle down and have kids, then talk to him. Tell him that this is the plan, and I know you have mentioned that you discussed this in the past, but really make him listen!!! He needs to understand that its not quite as easy to travel once you have kids, although you can still do it! Tell him honestly, where you want to go and what you want to do, and see if you could get him interested in it. Porn - When I moved in with my hubby first, things were kinda like this! Men are menmy dear, and the only thing that has changed, is that I have realised that ALL men look at porn when you aren't around. He may just have a very high sex drive. Ask him if he wants you to watch it with him (even if you aren't into it) he'll realise that he doesn't need to hide it from you, and probably be more open about it. All fella's w*nk, just some are better covering it up than others. The fact that he does this is not any reflection on you or not finding you attractive... its just a male thing I think..... Talk to him about both, but try not to worry about the porn thing........ HTH sue
Confused09 Posts: 10
Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the great advice. I tried to talk to him last night about the porn thing (bringing up the travelling thing too would have been too much for one night) and we didn't seem to get anywhere as he got very defensive and it basically turned into a row and then I said that I didn't know if I wanted to get married anymore!! I'm not naive and I know all men look at it - it was just the timing that was the issue for me on this one - maybe I'm naive about that! I guess I've also got a bit of work to do on my own self-confidence as if I was happy with myself I probably wouldn't mind him looking at it as much (to me, when he looks at it, he compares them to me - I'm probably wrong, but it's the way I feel). He did send me a text this morning though saying that he was sorry about last night and that he wants nothing more in the world than to marry me. I guess I just need to calm myself down... As for the travelling with kids thing - it's a bit of a bone of contention in our relationship and something which will need to be worked out - I'm just not ready for another long conversation, heated debate or argument just yet. I'm kind of hoping that we can make our honeymoon into a long-ish trip and then maybe my thirst for travel will be satisfied. Lizzie - I wish I could do what you did, but with the wedding coming up next year there's no chance of me heading off on my own. Travelling will have to be done after it (and hopefully before the kids - what are men like - he just doesn't seem to realise that lugging a couple of tots and all that comes with them from country to country wouldn't be easy!). Sue - great advice also - thanks. Helped me to see that I need to cop on!
Lady C Posts: 11
why not take an extended honeymoon? That's what we are planning, once I get my bonus we are packing in the jobs and heading to South America. Obviously packing in the job may not suit you so instead take extra leave from work.