Do you ever watch Oprah? Might seem like an odd question, but she always encourages people to 'Live Your Best Life' - this means that you sit down and think hard about big decisions you make in your life and you ultimately choose the one that deep down in your heart is the right one. She maintains that if you do this (and sometimes it's very difficult to do this) life will always be easier as you won't live with doubts - which can cripple and hinder you.
Might sound like I'm trying to be a psychologist, but I'm not... I'm only trying to point out that I think you know what you should do. It won't be easy, but it'll mean that you are living your best life - for you.
11 years is a long time to spend with a man who hasn't made you happy in a long time. Please don't let it turn into another 11.
The very best of luck. Will be thinking of you and I hope you're ok.
Don't marry this man. You are just letting yourself in for a lifetime of pain. I know a couple of girls who were in a similar situation, both filed for divorce shortly after getting married. But it takes years for a divorce to come through, not to mention all the money it costs. You are trying to give yourself reasons for going ahead with the wedding - deposits paid, presents bought, hotel room deposits paid for, your parents see you walk up the aisle in two weeks - but every single one of those reasons revolves around other people. Not one of them takes YOU into consideration. There is only one person you must think about here and that is YOU. So what if breaking up with him hurts him? He has hurt you for 11 years. The hurt of a broken engagement will stay with him for a fraction of that, and he will move on, just as you will move on. I can assure you that your parents would be devastated if they knew what was going on and you married a moody alcoholic you don't really and truly love, just because you thought you might embarrass them. Embarrassment will be the [i:int8hxp2]very last[/i:int8hxp2] thing on thing mind. My advice to you would be speak to your best friend and have her with you when you speak to your parents. Not after the wedding, right now. And call the wedding off. I heard an awful story last night about someone who was in a similar situation to you and wanted to call the whole thing off just a few days before the wedding, but she didn't want to let everyone down...... They separated just weeks after the wedding, then hit the courts. She has been through a nightmare. Don't let it get any worse for yourself - you are in a position to control this situation. Take charge of your life, you only get to live it once. Be the happiest that you can - do not let this man bring you down. I wish you the very, very best of luck with it. Please tell us how you get on. And please, please don't marry him. He doesnt deserve you, and he definitely doesnt deserve to have your children. Chin up, be strong - you can leave him. Much easier to do it now. Think of yourself, blot everyone else out of your mind. You know that marrying him would be the wrong thing to do, and I'm sure you're only posting here to see people confirm a decision you have already made. Best of luck.
pet my heart goes out to you... I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who had a drink problem but who couldn't admit to it and I was miserable for a very long time... I was stressed and worried all the time and I dreaded weddings, christmas, paddy's day, family celebrations, weekends ... you name it any opportunity to drink was taken... I was constantly stressed and on edge and it took a lot for me to finally leave... he kept promising to stop, to change, etc but it never happened ...
long story short one morning after he had been out all night he was still half cut and he went mental at me shouting and screaming and I just knew I couldn't listen to it any more... the smell of drink and all the noise and the anger suddenly just made everything clear to me and I phoned my parents to collect me and left that day and never looked back, he came after me begging forgiveness, he even proposed but I was done with it... you can only take so much and then you snap it wears you down as I'm sure you know.
... if you postponed the wedding before for the same reasons and he hasn't learned anything from this and he hasn't gotten any help then maybe drink has too much of a grip on him.. he needs to go to aa or at least talk to someone who is in aa and get some advice ... you could go to al anon too.
pm me if you need to talk ...
I hope my post doesn't sound preachy... I know every situation is different ... my heart goes out to you
Great advice from all the girls here, I would also suggest going to your parents now, don't wait any longer, and tell them everything. I'm sure the very last thing on their minds will be what anyone says.
You do sound like you've already answered your own questions, but at the moment you're so stuck deep in the middle here that it's hard to see the real situation.
You know yourself that if after all this he still hasn't changed, then he's not about to anytime soon.
Best of luck to you, be strong and believe in yourself and know that you deserve so much better than this.
girls i really want to say thank you so so much for your advice and taking the time to give it. Everything that has been written makes perfect sense . it has really made me think that if people who dont know me think i deserve better and then my family and friends definitely will and more importantly i should. it is so strange how u can live nearly a lie and everybody can think everything is great.i think i have been convincing myself more than anyone else.
i will let ye know what happens. but really thank you so much . It is much appreciated
Best of luck with it..... I hope you're doing okay. With the love and support of your family and friends, you really will get through this. If you've had the strength to put up with that for years, you really have the strength to move on and create a very bright future for yourself. xx
I actually forgot this when writing my longer post, but in it I mentioned three girls who married guyus with similar problems and all separated shortly after...... Each of those relationships actually turned violent shortly after marriage, one on honeymoon.... You've done so well to face this before going through with a wedding.
I hope everything goes okay Milliemac. Unfortunately with someone with an addiction you can't really change them. They have to admit to and actually stop altogether. However it has to be their decision iykwim. Otherwise they will never really stick to it.
Once again, I hope you make the right decision for you and only you. Don't think how is it going to affect others only yourself and what will make you happy.
best of luck--thinking about you!! x
well done you are very brave ,and i hope and pray
everything works out for you ,as you truly deserve it