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The question of marriage

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confusedhead Posts: 9
Hi, I am with my boyfriend 5 1/2 years and living together nearly 2 years, both of us are in our 30's. I am ready for the next stage of marriage and kids and he is just not sure. He wants me in his live forever and loves me and can't see his life without me, but the whole prospect of marriage and the day scares him. I told him I would compromise on the day. He comes from a happy family, so there is no issues there. He just thinks the forever thing is a bit much and what is all the fuss about. This has really come to a head between us and he knows I am unhappy at the moment and eating away at me. I can't see a future for us without marriage and he doesn't understand why we can't just continue as we are. This is eating away at me and I know I couldn't just leave it. So I am thinking of moving out and see what happens next. Me moving out would give us both an opportunity to really think about things and see if we really are meant to be together. What you think?
jayallen Posts: 10
Most men seem to be afraid of commitment, so I can understand where he is coming from. However, if he just wants things to stay as they are, but forsees the two of you together forever anyway, what difference is a piece of paper stating that? Any American guides on dating etc. would say that you have given him everything he wants by moving in with him, staying with him for so long without the commitment of marriage so he sees no reason to commit any further. I would advise not moving out - it's a bit of a statement, in terms of being an ultimatum and could cause a major rift between you, when you would both be better off talking about this further in a non-angry way. If marriage really is that important to you, and your boyfriend will never, ever marry, you might have to consider moving to a man who will commit...I guess what I'm saying is that you have to see where your boundaries are with this. Whether marriage is more important than having your boyfriend, or if you would prefer to keep him in your life without marriage.
GreenerPastures Posts: 7284
I don't buy it... What he is saying doesn't make sense. If he can genuinely picture himself with you forever then why does this bit of paper scare him so much. Why can't he make it legit?? I would seriously rethink his commitment to you. Not [i:4ip5la6f]all[/i:4ip5la6f] men are scared of commitment. I don't know any that are. They are only scared when they know the women isn't the right one for them or they're too immature. Personally I know more women actually that are scared to commit than men. I can think of three that are still dragging their feet eventhough they have been 'engaged' for years. Be fair to yourself. Getting married shouldn't feel like a battle of wills. If he can't give you what you deserve than leave. I know if it were me I tend to be practical and think of other things I want. Like do you still want children with him if you aren't married. Do you still want to share assets?
confusedhead Posts: 9
Thanks for your replies. That is my problem, I think my clock is beginning to tick away and I don't want to have children with him outside of marriage. He says to me, it is only a piece of paper, but it is a piece of paper that would make me happy, make it all more official and show his commitment to me (even though he has never given me any reason to doubt his commitment). I say back to him, it is only a piece of paper, you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me, so why not! It goes round in circles!
Maggs065 Posts: 47
He's a commitment phobe in my opinion. I went out with one of those for 7 years - eventually I got sense. We built a house together etc., but he would never entertain the idea of marriage or kids. I thought I could change his mind. Eventually I left him - I'm now happily married to a most wonderful man who proposed to me after 3 months! Don't be fobbed off - otherwise this will eat away at you for years. Speaking from experience I would give him an ultimatum. I wish I had done that earlier in my relationship and not wasted 7 years of my life with someone (let's be honest) who probably didn't love me enough to get married. Good luck with everything - I feel for you.
happieout Posts: 3111
it's not a piece of paper. It's a serious commitment - one he's not prepared to make. Of course I would question his level of commitment. I presume you moved in together with a view to getting married eventually. I wouldn't see the point in hanging round if he is not prepared to get married and that's what you really want. He's had long enough to think about it - you're together over 5 years after all. I don't see what his problem is! i'D have a good chat about it and tell him how strongly you feel. Don't let him fob you off by trying to cheapen marriage.
happyfamily Posts: 3323
To be honest i wouldn't have a massive problem if my OH didn't want to get married but agreed to being my legal partner, next of kin etc. I would have an issue if he had a problem with "forever" though or wasn't sure about having kids in the next few years. I wouldn't move out as an ultimatum type thing or as a tactic to scare him into proposing. If you are unhappy with your current relationship the you should think about breaking up but only if you're willing to accept that that might mean its over for good.
anoncb Posts: 379
[quote="happyfamily":dn7q0exb]To be honest i wouldn't have a massive problem if my OH didn't want to get married but agreed to being my legal partner, next of kin etc. I would have an issue if he had a problem with "forever" though or wasn't sure about having kids in the next few years. I wouldn't move out as an ultimatum type thing or as a tactic to scare him into proposing. If you are unhappy with your current relationship the you should think about breaking up but only if you're willing to accept that that might mean its over for good.[/quote:dn7q0exb] Best advice on this thread.
Kittyboo Posts: 1591
Moving out is sending a very strong statement to your partner....so I don't think that is the answer. It may be the "wake up call" that he needs but then again how would you feel if you moved out and you's never got back together????? Your putting your partner in a very awkward position by doing this. Putting pressure on your partner to get married is only going to push him away. The flip side to all this is that maybe your partner is thinking of marriage etc but wants the proposal to be a surprise and isn't willing to let you know. If you love him and he loves you.....what more do you both need????
confusedhead Posts: 9
Thanks for all your replies. Unfortunately this is really important to me and is a deal breaker. I have showed my commitment by moving to him and away from friends and family. He says he wants to be with me forever, and I say well you know what I want. He says it is only a piece of paper and my response is, if it is only a piece of paper to him then what is the big deal. We have gone round and round in circles and can't come to any compromise which we are both finding very difficult. Before when the marriage subject came up we would talk about it and then just let it lie and everything would go back to normal. But this time I cannot do that, it is too important to me. And yes, I think it will be the deal breaker for us. If he says he loves me as much as he does then why not, we are everything but married at the moment now, so I have said there would be no difference to him but would make a huge difference to me. Unfortunately, I think I will be single very soon :(