The question of marriage - Page 2

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MissSunshine12 Posts: 273
i think what's meant to be is meant to be, either he will come begging you back or you will meet the person you are supposed to be married to. you are so right not to back down or honestly you will be a doormat for the rest of your days, he will always have the upper hand if you just let him away with this, be strong and know there is a plan for u and everything will work out x :-8
whoop whoop Posts: 1616
[quote="confusedhead":19xofcob]Thanks for all your replies. Unfortunately this is really important to me and is a deal breaker. I have showed my commitment by moving to him and away from friends and family. He says he wants to be with me forever, and I say well you know what I want. He says it is only a piece of paper and my response is, if it is only a piece of paper to him then what is the big deal. We have gone round and round in circles and can't come to any compromise which we are both finding very difficult. Before when the marriage subject came up we would talk about it and then just let it lie and everything would go back to normal. But this time I cannot do that, it is too important to me. And yes, I think it will be the deal breaker for us. If he says he loves me as much as he does then why not, we are everything but married at the moment now, so I have said there would be no difference to him but would make a huge difference to me. Unfortunately, I think I will be single very soon :([/quote:19xofcob] That's a really tough, and brave decision to reach, and my gut feeling is that it's absolutely the right thing to do. Sometimes it's a hard thing for us women to be true to our needs and stick to our guns because we are so wary of being 'too needy' or 'a nag' or 'high maintenance' or 'a psycho-b*tch' or all these other derogatory terms used for women who say what they want. But this is something that is really, really important to you, and if it's a need that he can't meet (for whatever reason that may be) then you may be right to move on.
pinkerbelle10 Posts: 705
Hi Confusedhead, I read this and just had to reply. I went through something practically identical to this a few years ago. My boyf used to give me the exact same excuse. In fact, we did eventually get engaged but he refused to go any further than that!!!!!! Tbh, this whole debacle was the best thing that ever happened to me. I, like you, realised that this just wasnt good enough for me and I made the decision that I would rather take my chances on my own than be with someone who wanted everything on their terms. My best advice to you, is to be true to yourself, dont listen to anyone else and follow your gut feeling. Try not to be scared of being single - I actually ended up having a fab new life with my friends etc while I was getting over this! And, even though I had decided that it was ok if I never met anyone, when I least expected it (cliche I know, but its true) I met my wonderful husband and I honestly have never been happier. So, do what you feel is best for you and remember that you are a wonderful person and your are going to be just fine. lots of :action31 to you.
Backbiter Posts: 25
[quote="sweetasacupcake":j527fk0a]i think what's meant to be is meant to be, either he will come[b:j527fk0a] begging you back[/b:j527fk0a] or you will meet the person[b:j527fk0a] you are supposed to be married to[/b:j527fk0a]. you are so [b:j527fk0a]right not to back down[/b:j527fk0a] or honestly [b:j527fk0a]you will be a doormat for the rest of your days[/b:j527fk0a], he will always have [b:j527fk0a]the upper hand[/b:j527fk0a] if you just [b:j527fk0a]let him away with this[/b:j527fk0a], be strong and know there is a plan for u and everything will work out x :-8[/quote:j527fk0a] I find this advice terribly sad. The language contained in it sounds like something a dog trainer or lion tamer would use - begging, back down, upper hand, let him away with it - definitely has a touch of the Caesar Millan's about it. :yelrotflmaosmilie: OP, you are seeking to link your life to your partner's life till death or divorce do you part. If that is the case, don't play games. You said [quote:j527fk0a]so I have said there would be no difference to him but would make a huge difference to me[/quote:j527fk0a] but you know in your heart that he was dissembling his true feelings about marriage because you were putting him between a rock and a hard place and that view on marriage is probably the easiest to defend in the short term. It gave him breathing space for a very short time. Consider giving him some more, that is if you really want him and not just the security that you obviously feel that marriage to him will bring you. Tell him that you are willing to hang in there for the next 1/3/6/12 months or whatever but after that you are walking but only if you really believe that you will. Think about what marriage (and not the wedding and all it represents to most people) means to you. Is it two people agreeing to share their lives together for good or ill or is it something that will show other people that somebody wants you and then fastens that person to you for the rest of your life even if the marriage breaks up. Think about why the actual ceremony of wedlock means so much to you that you are prepared to leave the man you supposedly love if he won't agree to it. Marriage doesn't guarantee you anything. In fact, staying together without a legal document shows exactly the same amount of love and commitment and maybe even more. My marriage broke up after 20 years. I have a sister who has been been with her partner for 33 years. They faced a huge amount of disapproval for years regarding their living together and disinclination to make things 'legal'. She really enjoyed their huge 25th anniversary party and a small part of her felt a bit smug because more than half of the original disapprovers of their relationship were separated or divorced at the party. There is life without marriage. I tell my daughter that she can have the reception but no wedding. So think about what you really want and what will make you truly happy and not how to bring your other half to heel.
confusedhead Posts: 9
Hi, Thanks for your time to reply, I still really don't know what to do. He has agreed to the wedding and I have agreed to a small ceremony with just us and family, I was even coming around to his way of thinking of just the two of us going away, as that is what he said he wanted. So I was like okay, we need to be happy and have smiles and he was like I am doing this for you, it is not really what I want, I think we are grand without it and he is not ready for it and doesn't see the point of it. He is 42, I think after 5 1/2 years of a relationship and it doesn't feel right, that there is obviously some else wrong in out relationship. He says he doesn't want me to leave and would be miserable without me. So I don't know what to do, he says he wants me forever and wants me to be the mother of his children, but why do we need marriage. This conversation has gone around in circles and call be old fashioned I would like to be married to have kids. I feel like I have done all the compromising and changes and that the resentment has already started, cos I don't see him making any changes.
scrunch Posts: 450
I don't understand the problem if you say he has agreed to the wedding !? Maybe I am misunderstanding it, but if he has agreed to the thing he most was agaisnt what is the issue ? You say you have agreed to the small ceremony .. well sorry I have to say this... Which is more important being married to the man you love and want to create life with and stay with forever OR a wedding ?! Don't mean to sound flippant but I am genuinely confused ... Just wanted to add Backbiter, I think your post is one of the most intelligent, well informed and balanced posts I have ever read on this website.
mrswifey2012 Posts: 2042
I think the issue is he is only saying he'll get married to please you, not because he genuinely wants to do it, am I right? And you feel that it couldn't be the relationship you thought it was if he doesn't really want to marry you, yeah?
katonah Posts: 29
can i just say that if it was me i would be feeling the same-how many guys do you think i know or have heard of that spent years going out with a girl and didn,t like the idea of marraige-then broke up or whatever and met the girl that they "wanted to marry"and all of a sudden weren,t afraid to commit and ended up married within 6-12 months-because if a guy doesnt want to marry you esp after 5 years then he is just not that into you-read the book called "he is just not that into you" and im telling you that will def make you wake up-im sorry if i sound rude or blunt because i know this is your feelings that are at stake at the back of this but honestly ask any guy-that can be 100% honest and they will tell you-"if i am really in to you i will want to marry you" my neighbour spent 35 years goin out with this man that" loved her but didnt want to marry her"then she got really sick and he never bothered with her again and got a new younger girlfriend-she wasted her life never got to have children-i hope you will be ok its so hard to leave a relationship even tho we know we deserve better and sorry again if my response is harsh-but do get that book and just read it you will know then take care O:o)
wibbleywobbley Posts: 56
I went through something similar to this I had a house with my ex and was going out with him for nearly 7 years anytime I mentioned anything about marriage or kids he just changed the subject... I could have lived without getting married but I think kids is a different thing all together if one person wants them and the other doesn't there is nothing you can do to change their mind... I had to make the hard decision to leave him while it was hard at the time it was the best decision I ever made... Looking back now I think he only bought a house with me to get on the property market and really didn't care about that after we split he had met another girl within no time and was married in no time... I can say I am much happier now and I am now married to a great man... Sometime you know in your heart that things aren't right but it does take a while to admit it. I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make and remember if you do leave him it will be hard but time is a great healer and you will move on and become a stronger person... good luck
confusedhead Posts: 9
Thanks for all your replies. I still have no idea what to do. A few weeks ago I was so angry and hurt, I was ready to walk. Now I am still angry and hurt but not as much, and I really don't know what to do. I know what I should do, my head is telling me that but my heart is saying something else. I have tried to leave things rest for a while but he knows I am not the same as I was and it is there but he won't bring it up, there is no surprise there!! I have heard all those stories of the long relationship and then the breaking up and then the meeting and marriage of someone new. Of course you never thought it would be you who would be at the receiving end of it, but such is life. So I have some big decisions to make but am finding them tough cos I still love him, it would be easier if I didn't, hency it makes it harder to leave. It was nearly better when I was angry, but anger doesn't last forever, so back to the big decision for me!