Ok so he is willing to marry? Or have I got that wrong? I think if will marry you that shows the commitment. But what I would say is based on the kids issue- it is so so so important. If you want kids you need to let him know that once you are married you want to try for kids, no ifs buts or maybes. He needs to be on board, a lot of mean don't realise the effect again has on women. What I mean is. You don't want to be arguing with him in a couple of years about having kids. You need to make sure he is on board now..
The saga still continues, he doesn't see the point in marriage and the day and is afraid of the commitment, he just wants to continue as is and doesn't see why we need it all.
He knows I want to have kids and knows that feeling is definitely getting stronger and he is okay with that but knows I don't want to have kids without marriage.
So, I am back to the possibility of walking away. I have already given up so much to be with him, I don't think I am being unreasonable to be asking for this but you swear I was asking him to cut off his arm with the reaction I get.
We have talked this through so many times and all we get is the pair of us walking around in circles and neither of us coming to any compromise so in my mind he is leaving me no choice but to walk away cos this is something I don't want to live without or feel that I should have to.
"There is life without marriage. I tell my daughter that she can have the reception but no wedding. " sorry WTF who are you to tell your daughter what she can or can't do?? I truely believe in marriage and the meaning of marriage, I think if it's something you really want don't compromise the resentment may turn your relationship sour if you stay with your boyfriend... good luck with your decision
No need to get your your knickers in a twist. I am entitled to my opinion and you to your's. As for
[quote:omnxshui] WTF who are you to tell your daughter what she can or can't do??[/quote:omnxshui]
That made me laugh. I am her mother and I tell what she can and can't do in most areas of her life because that is my job. Of course there will come a time when she won't listen to what I have to say which is why I've been laying the groundwork early on the subject of marriage just like I've laid the groundwork on her moral code, social skills, manners etc. What is the difference between telling her not to drink to excess/take drugs/sleep with Tom, Dick, Harry and Nora and telling her marriage is not the inevitable conclusion to a relationship?
Just because you truly believe in marriage and the meaning of marriage doesn't mean everyone else has to, which I realise isn't really a popular sentiment on a weddings board but at least it's an honest one.
[quote="MrsK2b2012":omnxshui]"There is life without marriage. I tell my daughter that she can have the reception but no wedding. " sorry WTF who are you to tell your daughter what she can or can't do?? I truely believe in marriage and the meaning of marriage, I think if it's something you really want don't compromise the resentment may turn your relationship sour if you stay with your boyfriend... good luck with your decision
I'm not going to get into an argument about your parenting skills, I have none but it's not your job to tell your daughter what to do or not to do your job is to advise, Big difference, god gave your daughter a brain let her use it!!
I'm not going to get into an argument about your parenting skills, I have none but it's not your job to tell your daughter what to do or not to do your job is to advise, Big difference, god gave your daughter a brain let her use it!![/quote:3bg721zg]
Maybe I will.... when she is old enough.
Just got married. Didn't think I would feel any different but I do. We're much closer, more secure or something. Didn't expect that at all, thought we were just as secure with each other as we could get, but there you go.
OP, unless your OH has strong feelings opposing the institution of marriage across the board, then the problem is he just doesn't want to marry you in particular, or has doubts about the relationship. I can honestly understand that from a guys point of view. At his age he has probably seen a lot of his friends relationships go to the wall. An unmarried guy with kids whose relationship with someone finishes up gets hit for child maintenance, a married guy with kids whose relationship with someone finishes up gets hit for child and spouse maintenance and probably looses his home as well. These considerations aren't an issue for him if he's 100% sure of his commitment to the relationship, but if he's only 90% sure then those considerations become a huge issue. Even as a woman with mostly female friends I know so many guys struggling on the breadline because of past failed relationships sucking them dry with maintenance payments, it's a miracle anyone gets married at all!
If he doesn't want to get married, then why do you want to push him into it? That is something that is only doomed to failure. You know where you stand - he has been very clear. Equally, you have been very clear from your side, you say it's a deal breaker. I completely agree that after moving from friends/family and making huge long term changes to your life, and spending years with someone it's natural that you expect a progression in the relationship. It's very sad, but I honestly wouldn't waste any more time on him. Agree to fundamentally disagree, and move on with your life. A friend of mine came to a similar head a few years back after 8 years in a relationship that was going nowhere. She made the break and hasn't looked back since.
[quote="confusedhead":3lsfe8sx]The saga still continues, he doesn't see the point in marriage and the day and is afraid of the commitment, he just wants to continue as is and doesn't see why we need it all.
Am thinking you are getting too tied up in the "romance" of marriage. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things that he is not into "marriage". He doesn't see the point of marriage - but will marry you because he knows its what you want. He will do this for [b:3lsfe8sx]you[/b:3lsfe8sx] to make [b:3lsfe8sx]you[/b:3lsfe8sx] happy The sacrament of marriage is more than a cermony or a legal piece of paper. Its about love, sacrifice and life time commitment. Is he not already giving you all these things ??
[b:3gr9rx22]You are worth more than thi[/b:3gr9rx22]s.You are being made cajole and hustle and comprimise so he will stand in front of friends and family who know you both and make a public declaration of his love,respect and commitment to you.Hello?? He is lucky to be getting the chance,you sound like a very understanding,genuine,considerate person.
I don't accept the fact that its a positive he will agree to marry you even though he does not want to,it is ungallant in the very least to make the offer with such terms and conditions.
Marriage will only be the first hurdle-having babies,how many,their religious upbringing,first holies,will he always spoil the occasion by making you "work for it".There is a way of doing things you dont want to do without making it begrugdingly obvious.
My advice for what its worth would be to move out.Tell him you need space to think about things,shift the power balance,you set [i:3gr9rx22]him[/i:3gr9rx22] thinking.Give him a few weeks,let him see what exactly he is missing by being so churlish,selfish and difficult.No you means no light on when he comes home in the evening,no warm body in the bed beside him at night,meals for one,double the chores,no face on the pillow beside him in the morning,no automatic plus one,no best friend.
And then get busy yourself,Im not saying it will be easy,its like a mini berevement.Renew old friendships,join a gym or a book club,increase the girly nights out,have friends around for drinks or dinner.The more people you surround yourself with that value you and appreciate you the more out of context is attitude and behaviour will look.Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”
i really really wish you all the best.xxx
hi confusedhead,im just wondering how you both are doing?I understand that you feel its the next step that you want to take in your realtionship but if your not taking it together,,what can you do?If it was the other way around and he wanted to have the marraige and the kids etc and you didnt and he decided to walk out on you would you decide to marry rather than lose him?If he decided to marry just because you want to maybe you've lost him already....