What am I going to do?

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donthateme Posts: 2
Hi all. I am prepared for the barage of insults that are inevitably coming my way from this post. There is no way to dress this up. I have cheated on my husband. There I have said it. I can't give you a good enough reason why but I will try. I am 28 and married two years, my husband is 30. We have been together since I was 17 and he is my one and only partner, until recently. I have never been with any other man, kissed a few but nothing else. I was never the type of girl to let anything else happen unless I really had feelings for someone. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, he is my best friend, we talk all the time, hes great at home, he is caring and sensitive, has never even raised his voice to me. I can't fault him. But recently, well over the last few months, I feel that I missed out on a lot, I never felt like this before, infact I always felt that we were so lucky to find each other so young and still be together. Our sex life is good, I love making love with him, but I suppose I don't look at him and want to tear his clothes off anymore, but I do love being with him. Anyway, I met this guy through work, he is single, a little younger than me and we got on well. i never thought anything of it until he told me that he really fancied me and had done since the moment we met. I told him that I was flattered of course, but that obviously I was married so nothing could happen. He accepted this and things went back to normal, or seemed to. He phoned me one evening when my husband was away working and we chatted for a while, i don't know what came over me, I felt like a teenager, I should have just told him I was busy. About a week later We were away with work and he was there. We chatted and he said he was sorry if he had confused me and didn't want to come between me and hubby. i said he wouldn't, that I loved my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. And that was that. The next day we were leaving and he called to my room with some files i needed for the following day and before I knew it we were kissing and touching each other. i didn't sleep with him. I stopped it before it got that far. I've spoken to him since and told him it can never happen again. To be honest I think he feels guilty too. God, i really don't know what to do. This is so out of character for me, really it is. I'm overcome with guilt and sadness, I can't stop crying, I can't concentrate in work. I couldn't bear to hurt my husband, I love him with all my heart, but I'm not sure if I can live witht his guilt. Please girls, any advise is appreciated, I can't talk to anyone else about this.
redwifey Posts: 2932
I could not read this and not reply. I honestly don't think you would achieve anything by telling your husband. As you said yourself you love your husband and I am sure that this was just a stupid mistake that didn't mean anything to you. I think it was just a case of you were curious as to what it would be like to kiss someone else and I can totally understand this. I have been with my husband since I was quite young and have at times wondered what it would have been like to have been with someone before him. I cannot honestly say that if temptation had been put my way in the past that I would have looked the other way. I think it happens to the best of us. I know you feel guilty now but at the end of the day all you did was kiss this guy (I am not by any means belittling this as something insignificant) but as long as you can be sure that nothing else will happen with this guy & your husband would not find out, I would not burden your husband with this news. You probably just need to appreciate the relationship you have with your husband (most of us probably need to!) and move on from this. Everyone else will prob disagree with me but this is just my two cents worth RW
Missus Lippy Posts: 5879
I am not really sure why you put the post up, as in do you want advice as to whether to tell your husband? If so, no I don't think you should tell him. I think this other guy had a bit of an agenda anyway, he didn't want to come between you and your husband, you told him he could never do that, but he tried it on anyway. If you tell your husband, you risk losing everything for the sake of a grope. Ok, you did kiss the guy but you stopped it before it went any further, at least that is something.
NowGone Posts: 8042
I don't think anyone's going to hate you. For what it's worth, I I ever was going to do the dirt, what you've described is probably the way it would happen. Lots of people have these wobbles. When it boils down to it, you had a bit of a snog, a bit of a grope, and that was it. You didn't have sex, so don't be too hard on yourself. Furthermore, you are feeling really, really bad and guilty about it. Perhaps that's "punishment" enough. You now have two options. Tell him, and apologise, and take your chances; or Keep schtum, chalk it up to experience and never let it happen again. Spade a spade - you just snogged someone else. It's not great, but it's not a 6 year long affair. Personally, if it were me, I'd probably take option 2.
she Posts: 3298
please dont tell your husband......his world will fall apart and yours to...i no your feeling guilty at the moment but in time im sure it will pass...ok you shouldnt have dont it but its over now... dont go near this guy again..cherish what you have, your very lucky to have such a wonderful man.....
donthateme Posts: 2
Thank you girls for your replies. They are appreciated. My gut feeling is not to say anything to my husband, I know it would kill him and I am not prepared to hurt him. The one thing thats going around in my mind though is that saying..once a cheat..always a cheat. Before this I would have been very confident if not definite that I would never had cheated on him, now after this, I'm so scared it will happen again, even though I don't want it to. But to be honest at the time I kissed this other guy, all thoughts of this went out the window, thats what scares me the most. It wasn't until after it happened that I fell apart. When we were kissing if I am totally felt great, so exciting. Im not sure if this has happenend to anyone else, or even if you would be prepared to admit it, but I really want to know that this huge guilt will eventually go, I don't want my husband to find me crying and blurt it out. I'm so scared that I'll let it happen again, if its happenened once already.
milis Posts: 7998
You decide whether this happens again, not some silly saying. If you choose to do it again, don't blame anyone or thing but yourself. from your first post, it looks like you made a mistake, you're sorry, you now feel guilty. telling your husband will just leave him feeling crap too, and you are risking a lifetime apart to ease a guilty conscience. My advice: forget it and move on.
livadia Posts: 351
[quote:3skolbla]...but I really want to know that this huge guilt will eventually go, I don't want my husband to find me crying and blurt it out. I'm so scared that I'll let it happen again, if its happenened once already. ...I've spoken to him since and told him it can never happen again. To be honest I think he feels guilty too. [/quote:3skolbla] Do you really want to put yourself and your OH through this kind of thing again? You've touched the hot stove, so to speak, got a really nasty burn -- have you not learned your lesson the hard way? If/when you are ever tempted, think about the terrible guilt and burden you're forcing upon yourself and your relationship with a wonderful man who has done absolutely nothing to deserve your infidelity. That grief alone should make you think twice about ever being so foolish again. Also, who cares if your "suitor" might feel a bit guilty? Not your problem and not something that excuses either of your behaviors. He had no business pursuing you in the first place, and if he feels like crap, too bad. For god's sake, don't fall into to the trap of comforting *him.* You might give some serious thought to changing jobs or employers. Distancing yourself from the person/situation that brought this all on in the first place may make it easier for you to move on, not to mention remove the source of the temptation. Another job might also be a wise precaution also as to not damage your professional reputation. Who knows how discreet your "paramour" might turn out to be, especially if you make it clear you're not interested in continuing your liasion? The last thing you need is to have the office grapevine going wild with gossip about some sort of affair. Finally, I agree with most of the other posters. Don't tell your husband. Instead, realize what a foolish mistake you made and vow to never put yourself in this position, again - full stop. Livadia
Gonetopasturesgreener Posts: 3556
You made a mistake, and you're just going to have to live with that. But you stopped it before it went too far - something alot of people would have trouble doing. Now forget it. Don't tell your husband. And any time you think of it again think of how close you could've come to loosing all you have. I can imagine you're upset and confused...but with this one you've got to just get your head around it and move on.
blinginhappy Posts: 1356
I think if your gut instinct is telling you not to tell him, then go with that cause 99% of the time your gut aint' wrong! That said, and I know I'm going to get slated for this, if I were you I would tell him becuase a. I couldn't live with that hanging over me b. I can't keep secrets from him to save my life whether good or bad secrets and c. If he did it I would prefer him to come tell him so we could work through it and put it behind us rather than finding out further down the line. I really think I'd question the foundation of our relationship if he'd kept something like this from me. I've re read your post and with H2B sitting here beside me both of us think you did nothing to initiate this, in fact you did everything to stop it developing. Yer man was/is the problem. Whatever you choose, I hope things work out for you , best of luck :wv