What do I do?? upset.

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

MrsWhippy09 Posts: 2346
I'll try make a long story short.. Basically, 8 years ago my Dad had an affair and left home, destroying our family and causing the most horrible pain and hurt I have ever felt , of which I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was so out of the blue and totally out of character for my Dad who was very popular with everyone and a great and very loving family man. He thought the world of us all and would do anything for my Mam. Anyway, after a year of living away from us, he came home to give the marriage another go, but then my Mam found out he was still carrying on so she told him to leave for good. It nearly destroyed my Mam to be humiliated for a second time and I will never ever forget the heartbreak he caused us all..... Anyway, seven years later and I have only started to re-build my relationship with my Dad. Yesterday, we found out that something similar has happened to a family member who we have not been in contact with in years and it has brought back a lot of memories and feelings. My mam dropped into conversation yesterday, purely by accident, that she was told (by a very close family member, who had been told by a very good friend) last year ,that there was talk about my Dad "carrying on" a long long time before he left home 8 years ago. Needless to say, I am just so upset and hurt. My mam has told me she swore to herself she would never tell me and my brother this as it would just break us but the words came out before she even realised iykwim. My mam is kicking herself now for saying it but I'm not angry at her at all, in fact, I'm glad I can now see him for who he really is. I'm so disgusted and so annoyed with my Dad but also with myself for being so gullable to think that he truly was sorry for what he did. God knows what he got up to years ago and we never had a clue! I feel like I never really knew him iykwim. So my problem is, who is going to walk me down the aisle? I only asked him last year when I felt he was genuinely sorry for what he did but now I don't know what to do. He has absolutely no respect for marriage and I just feel it would be so hypocritical of him to give me away, not to mention embarassing knowing that my guests know what he did on my Mam. My brother and uncle have always offered to give me away given how I feel but I am the only girl in my family and this is the only chance my Dad will get to give someone away. Do I rob him of his chance to walk his only daughter down the aisle and hurt him deeply or do I stand up for my own principles? My mam has told me to think about it. She has said that now is not the time to make a decision as I am angry and I understand what she means, but at the same time... He is very manipulative and I can see him twisting things if i confront him. My head is wrecked. I cried my heart out last night over the whole thing and h2b is furious and "done" with my Dad. H2b said that he'll support me whatever but he thinks that enough is enough and that my Dad doesn't even deserve an invite for all the sh1te he put us all through. Any advice girls would be great. Sorry for such a long post, so much for making a long story short. :o0 If you got this far, you deserve a medal! Thanks. MrsWhippy09
curliwurli Posts: 3369
i dunno really, it depends on whether you think he has been a good dad to you despite everything that he had done. my mum had an affair and my parents divorced but i never stopped thinking of her as my mum or thought that i wouldn't want her at my wedding but that is just me, you need to decide for yourself really.
LadyBug Posts: 545
Sorry to hear what you're going through. I wouldnt just ask your dad cos you think this is what is 'expected' of you. Do what feels right in your heart. For me it was no question and i had my mam give me away. Good luck with whatever you decide x
hagfromhell Posts: 2146
My reply is not going to be much good to help you as I don't really know what to say. I am sorry you are in such a dilemma, anyghing to do with family trouble cuts to the bone for all involved. Now - you say you were trying to rebuild your relationship with you Dad. How was this going for you? I know you have heard stories (which may or may not be true) but is there any way that you could keep trying to mend the hurt between yourself and your dad. Sometimes a person can be a bad husband but a good father. Was this the case with him? Maybe you should consider going to counselling because there is a lot of hurt in you, and that is understandable. If you don't want your father to give you away, you can always ask your mother. This is a decision only you can make because this could cause an awful lot more hurt, so think long and hard about it. I know my reply is of no use whatsoever, but I can feel how upset you are and I just wanted to send you my best wishes :xxx
MiLu Posts: 133
I am having the exact same problem. You're lucky it happened 8 years ago my parents are only in the middle of their split and everyone inbits about it. They are currently living in the same house. Anyway I've decided that he was a good Dad to me and I never wanted for anything so I will have him walk me up the aisle. The top table is a problem for me as well, and no decision has been made yet about that.
pinkrose Posts: 9
Would you ask your Mum to walk you down the aisle?
Little Duck Posts: 21
Would you ask your Mam to walk you down the aisle instead? Just an idea.
gottabfp Posts: 5641
realsorry to hear about your deliemma. horrible situation to be in. what about your mother giving you away? from reading your post i presume no other man came in to take your fathers plae , therefore your mom was both mother and father. id explain to your dad in a nice way, that marraige means the world to you and you want someone to give you away that feels the same way about marraige as you do. sorry just my two pence worth
skittles Posts: 1312
sorry to hear this hun,xx i think your mam is right, it is not the right time to make a decision because you are so upset. however, you obviously wanted your dad to walk you down the aisle or you wouldnt have asked him in the first place. i understand you are angry with him for all he has done to your mam, but the one thing i honestly believe is that what happened between your mam and dad was their was their relationship and no-one elses. your relationship with him is as father and daughter,if you love him as your dad then he should walk with you. does your mam think he should do it?
MrsWhippy09 Posts: 2346
Thanks girls for al the replies. :xxx It's great to get a neutral opinion iykwim. I hadn't even really thought of my Mam giving me away! My dad was a very good father when we were growing up, we never wanted for anything and he was very loving. It's not that I don't consider him my Dad anymore, it's just I feel I don't really know him anymore after what my Mam told me yesterday iykwim. The rebuilding was going ok I suppose, considering. He started contacting me in December 07, after a couple of months of not hearing from him, to only land a bombshell that his girlfriend had had a baby 4 weeks prior!! :ooh I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! Let alone live with her and have a baby with her. I had seen him that July and he never said a word about a girlfriend who was pregnant. He had actually been trying to worm his way back to mam that month!! >:o( He only told me about the baby and I was expected not to tell anyone as he said he would tell my Mam and brother in his own time. He said he didn't want to hurt them but he didn't care about hurting me by telling me the news.. More than 6 months later, he had still not told them and I felt so guilty for keeping this secret from my Mam and brother. It all got to me one day and I just broke down and told my Mam. I had been trying so hard to tell her for ages. She was more angry at him for putting me in that position. I just can't stand liars and he has become such a horrible liar. :o( He always puts me in the middle of everything. I suppose I should be standing up to him more about it but the thing is, I still see him as the authoritarian and I can't bring myself to stand up to him. Designerwine, you're right. I need to go to councelling and have the number of one but never got the courage to pick up the phone to make an appointment with her. Maybe I should go to clear my head before the wedding. It'll be stressful enough closer to the wedding without that hanging over my head. It'll probably help me make the decision with a clear head. Skittles - My mam said she wants me to do whatever will make me happy and if I want him to walk me down the aisle than, she'll be there for me. I don't know what I'd do without her tbh. :lvs I'm so proud of her for being such a strong person after everything. MiLu - PM me any time you want. I know exactly what you're going through and its very hard so look after yourself. When it happened my Mam and Dad, I was running around looking after everyone but myself and I made myself very sick with stress and exhaustion. Best of luck. :xxx Thanks so much girls. You've all been such a help. :xox :xox